Phases of Dominance & Submission| FSOG Lifestyle | My Reality

Phases of Dominance & Submission, path of discovery, FSOG Lifestyle

 Phases of Dominance & Submission



Whew!….. Formal Acceptance is done. Subs think the work is done, HA! HA! …

husDoms… the work/play has just begun.


Phase: a distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something’s development.


**This is the knowledge I have gained from my journey into D/s and helping all the other wonderful women & men in their journeys.

This by no means is not a “check the box type list” or “have to do it this way”.

Just a small glimpse into what I have experienced to make a successful transition from Vanilla to D/s .

You as a submissive take from it what you can and make it yours.

If you have anything to add please comment. We all learn from one another.

~Yours in Submission~

*Phase 1 is made up of 3 stages.

Phase 1/ 1-12 mo.


1-6 Months/ Guidance

The sub guides the D/s… You’re NOT the captain… but the first mate/copilot.

Defining your D/s… Definitions, Titles, Limits (hard & soft), Rules & Rituals: Keep it SIMPLE!

Learning the difference between play and a scene.

Finding things to keep the mindset, both Dom & sub

Practicing Downtime….

Sexy Communication…..

Work on Foundations:  Communication & Honesty, Trust & Respect.

Start working on your Instruments… Your Bodies.

Nipple Play… So important you learn about your nipples..appreciate what they can do for you before and during your scenes.

Begin Scenes: Spanking, Body Exploration, Mirror & Chair Scene.

Start as Bedroom submissive and it will move out of bedroom naturally.

Start Inspections & positions.

Learn S.O.A.P.

Learn to kneel.

Start your D/s Toy Box… Make sure to have the TOP TEN TOYS/TOOLS.

Purchase leather cuffs.

Discuss collars and differences between Day Collars & Training Collars.

You are both now Registered on & 

Discuss Punishments. Physical Punishments I do not recommend at this stage.

Doms get to know their subs tolerances. (before physical punishments)

Gain your Dom’s Commitment.



6-9 Months/ Partial Training Wheels ( This term is just used as an “expression” not meant in any kind of disrespect. )


Sub is still guiding. Dom is engaging.

Keep feeding his Dom by being submissive.

Your Dom is thinking of ideas to keep atmosphere.

Dom is freely asking for your input yet giving you a hard time if you do…LOL!

You both understand how the Power Exchange works.

Others notice You have that something, A secret. You and your Sir get noticed… Putting off Pheromones…

Scenes are still rough but you are practicing regularity. (A blindfold/mask can hide a lot.)

Discovering new toys. Buying some naughty accessories.

Hotel getaways… Find some kinky friends to chat with.

Sub is learning how to work her body for her Sir. (Practice Blooming Scene.)

Learn to have a Squirting Orgasm.

Training begins: Oral, Anal and positions.

Oral: Learn what your Sir wants in a Blow-Job… You will be surprised..You don’t know until he instructs you… One on One… LIGHTS ON!

Anal: Lots of us have little experience on this end..LOL! Learn what anal plug works, how to use an anal to have anal sex so it pleases your Sir.

Positions:  Basic Positions … learn one at a time… 9 all together.

We all do Bratty sub….. You want to run…. Please slow down….. Make conscious steps…

You will hit “The Plateau” or the wall… but this happens and the other side is where all the growth happens.

Practice Punishments… They change from phase to phase.


9-12 Months/ Celebration: Congrats! 1st Phase over


Yeah, You have made it First Year Down…. Your D/s Anniversary is here!

Make sure to celebrate it BIG!

Reminder : Drinking and D/s does NOT mix…. For many reasons!


This is where Your Sir takes the reigns…

This is where as subs we have to LET GO! Subs that like control will have trouble here.


Subs have to work on their submission in this stage. Let your husDom feed from your submission. Stroke him mentally and physically… :0)

Dom’s should be comfortable using tools/toys.

Subs Learning to SUBMIT here. We asked him for his Domination and he will be leading now.

Keep Mindfulness both sides D & s .

Get Inspired by those images, videos and books.

Dom’s engaged in his role & making atmosphere on his own.

Start tasting different dynamics with-in D/s. ( Lil’s, Sado/masochist, Pets, Slave, swing, Poly… just to name a few.)

Let each other know what turns you on… The things you kept deep inside.

Add role play to play times & scenes.

Downtime happening automatically … Do your Annual Review. Look over rules ect… make changes where needed.

Make goals you both want to reach.

Keep sharpening your skills.

Healthy is SEXY…



Phase 2 / 12-24 mo.

Listening & Hearing …………………Communication! 




Dom starts leading….. W/O your help.

Letting him lead, letting go of the control.  Subs LET GO!

Sub is working on her submission.

You may be listening but NOT hearing….  Downtime!


Doms make her feel safe within this her your commitment…

Protocols… High & low … Define for your dynamics.

Scenes are more successful for both of you. Include more of the slices of Pizza (dynamics) that you tasted and liked.

Learn the differences in the anal, vaginal & clitoral orgasms… Try to achieve all at the same time… See the fireworks…

Mind reading… physic ability…Not in use in D/s…. All out in the open. No more shyness or holding back. Your husDom knows you as his wife but is still learning to know you as his sub.

Communicate your feelings… Doms want your attention, say so… No Assuming…. anymore. Doms state your feelings or what you want to happen so that there is no misconceptions about any situations. Subs ask for what you want, it’s ok. Doms want to know so they don’t have to guess.

Stagnant issues. Both work on keeping things fresh… Schedule D/s time & hotel stays. Meet other kinky couples.

Keep the D/s flowing. Do not do anything that will damn-up your D/s.

Keeping the sub engaged giving us something to look forward to. We are still wanting to run ahead…. find those things that will ground us yet make us happy.

Keeping Dom engaged and getting ideas. Doms PUSH your subs limits… Take a good look at those HARD limits…

Celebrate Your D/s regularly.

Doms…. Little gifts and surprises … Feed us… We as subs will feed you 10 fold…



Phase 3 / 2 + yrs. 



Today, this is where we are. I find us going over things in all the above stages. Always keeping with the foundations.

At this point we are adding the “EXPERIENCES” that we all have on our “BUCKET LISTS” .

Taking a look at the hard and soft limits and finding ourselves and new higher heights to climb.

Plans are more complex. Trust is what got us here. Trust in one another.. We only do this as a team.

We have to make some decisions about how far are we willing to take this journey.

I ache for the DARKNESS... She calls to me daily… I want to swing from that chandelier.

My Sir is still holding me tight and making sure each step is taken only when we are both ready.

I will add to this list as we go… We will keep forging ahead, clearing the way for others to travel. I believe in Domination and submission.


 This is my reality.  










****This is not an exact science and true for each couple… This is what I have found to be average in most cases.



Phases of Dominance & Submission

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  1. Lk This is great and thank you for sharing it with us. It is written in simple understanding detail and we all have to remember what you write is from your experience and a map to show us how we can achieve a strong foundation in a D/s lifestyle. But we also have understand that each couples dynamics are different and to take what you having experienced and learn’t and make it fit our own dynamics. I also want to say that a formal acceptance has nothing to do with leadership. It has to do with the person that wants this lifestyle to ask their partner/spouse to join and accept it openly or not accept it. It starts the foundation off on the right path knowing that you have accepted or not accept the responsibility of your role or not.


  2. Thank you LK for this guide on how to start our D/s lifestyle off on the correct path. I will be referring to it often.


      1. Yes thank you very much for this post. Very much a newbie here and it was nice to kind of see how this type of relationship plays out. I know it is not an exact road map but definitly helps you to see you really can’t and shouldn’t rush this. Patience is something I am working on 🙂 when your new with lots of information and ideas it can be hard to wait, lol.

        1. hislove… Welcum to the world of D/s-M… Welcum to my Warren. We all learn a little from each other here. Enjoy… Patience is a virtue… for anyone here.
          We all want to run! When we should walk. Hope this helps… I am available by PM or .


  3. I love this post… as sir and I come up on our 1 year anniversary I can say that the first phase has been pretty accurate… I look forward to what phase 2 brings for us!! Thank you for always sharing what works for some of it, if not most of it helps us!!

    Hugs Lady!!

  4. You’re so welcum…. You are both such a blessing to us… We have both made BESTies while mentoring 2 fabulous people. You and Mr. B mean so much to us… Congrats almost 1 YR… It has flown by…


    LK & Mr. Fox

  5. Thank you LK! I wish I had this post when I first brought the D/s dynamic up to Sir. It is wonderfully well written and so very helpful! As always, thank you for all you do.

    1. LB you really warm my heart with your kind words.. I would repeat these steps over and over so many times so I decided to try to put them together in one place. It’s just the tip of the iceberg and every couple is differ so I wrote what I found to be successful on the post.. Thanks for your subport!
      Chat Soon!


  6. Awesome post, LK…this is a great example/outline of what we subs can expect or follow.

    Even though we are 9 months out from our formal acceptance, we feel like we are still in the 1-6 month phase. Which goes to show that everyone’s journey is different some even move at a snails pace.

    Thank you for sharing, it is neat to see what we have to look forward to.

    1. Welcum…. Everyone goes at differ speeds and stalls.. Key is keep looking forward.. Keep fighting for what you want your marriage or your D/s to be.


  7. LK – Once again you post a blog topic exactly when I need to read it! It’s uncanny! This is wonderful, and another blog for Sir and I to discuss in our downtime. Thank you! Have you thought about writing a book…

  8. Thank you for this LK. It helped us immensely.

  9. Thank you for all of the time you put into your posts LK. They are so helpful!

  10. Thank you LK for your informative post and sharing your journey with so many of us. I consider Sir and I to have been in a D/s relationship for just over 2 years, but looking at your post on phases there are things we were doing over 3 years ago and things we are only just discovering. I guess there are sub-phases that after each growth we go back and revisit at a much deeper level. SOAP has been a great example of a phase one tool that is helping us now, helping me to hone my submissive skills and mindset. Just another gem to add to my ‘submissive tool box’.

  11. Thank you for this post- I had to reread it- the first time I read it , I was focusing on what didn’t apply to me instead of what I could use and learn from. My Sir asked me so I have not been the guide- he has always been the one in control. He has always (and still does) listen to my views and ideas. As we continue on this wonderful journey- I learn so much from you and the others who are already several steps ahead, and hope I am an encouragement to those who are looking at my journey to see what they can learn from me. Thank you so much for sharing yourself and your journey with us.

  12. Great post LK. We are another one of the couples that don’t fit the model perfectly. And that’s ok! We all move at our own paces in our dynamics. Having younger kids in the picture makes it harder to move as fast as we would like. It works for us and that’s all that matters. It is still a great post for us to refer back to. Thanks for all your help.

  13. Just like everyone else, LK, I appreciate you taking the time to compose and post this info for us. It makes a lot of our chat conversations clearer!

  14. LK, thanks for this wonderful post and is very helpful. While I know everyone has their own path I have to admit this made me a bit sad as we have been struggling with this dynamic for almost 4 yrs and are still in the 1st phase for a whole host of reasons. This guide will help us navigate the waters…thanks again

  15. Thank you so much for sharing, to all on this site. Still so new, I am feeling positive and excited to continue. I realise now that this journey has barely begun.

  16. The last 12 hours have been so profound for me, and this site and this post in particular have been a catalyst for that. I feel I need to share as a way to give back and thank all the wonderful ladies here who helped me to get this amazing place.

    Two years ago my husband and I started on this path after reading FSOG together at his suggestion. We have shared and grown and learned together, first at my encouragement and then together. We have expanded our physical repertoire immensely, and had some amazing emotional moments. But the last couple of months have been rough. Our family has had a very busy fall, so I blamed that, but was starting to wonder if this idea was just burning out for me. A few weeks ago we signed a contract (his suggestion), hoping that might get things back on track, but instead it made it worse. I felt like he was way beyond where I could or wanted to go, and that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this.

    My husband found HusDom and then suggested I read here. The site was a good fit as it is where we are – married, kids, committed – but honestly I struggled. I didn’t feel like these ladies – punishment made me angry and resentful. I didn’t feel proud or privileged, just pissed off. I trusted him with the bedroom management, but didn’t feel that he did a good job of managing the house outside of that, and didn’t understand how we could possibly balance me being submissive and managing all the stuff our family has going on. I could refer to him as Sir, but it was awkward and forced – and even that pissed me off sometimes.

    I read this post a couple of days ago and something registered with me that I couldn’t quite grasp – last night I came back to it. I realized that all this time WE have been training HIM to be a Dom. He’s there now, and it’s my turn. I needed to let go, and submit. And I did. With my whole body and soul. Completely unplanned and unexpected, and the most powerful experience I have ever had. I am still a little in shock I think. When Sir left this morning I felt like he took a piece of me with him, and I’ll be yearning all day to have him back with me, so I can be whole again. While I am almost bursting with love and joy today, I know that it will be even more complete when I am back in his arms.

    This morning I was reminded of something a friend said when we were in our early 20’s and I was still dating, looking for the right one. She said “When it’s right, you’ll know, and if you don’t know, it isn’t right.” I now know I can be a submissive, and more than can, that it’s what I want and need. I thought I had been there before – maybe I wanted to be or was trying to be – but I wasn’t, and I didn’t know that until now.

    So thank you to everyone who has contributed to this site – all the posts I read these last couple of weeks to get here. And for everyone who is still looking, I will reiterate what is said many times here but in different ways – be patient, it will be worth it. Give yourself time and grace, believe in yourself. It took us two years to get to the 9-12 month mark, but it is more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

    1. Vixen,

      Welcum to my Warren… You have warmed my heart. You have found your submission, congrats! Thank you for your kind words. Yes the second phase is about becoming your submissive. Working on you… Remembering that he has just gotten those truing wheels off and now you have to learn to submit… Kinda like the first phase was figuring out what D/s means… then your Sir becomes what you wanted then you have to submit..and you’re there! Can’t wait to chat with you. Thank You so much again …. HUGS! LK

  17. This is such a wonderful post. Thank you for writing it, LK! My husband and I are just beginning our journey into D/s, and I feel like reading this post has been a “lightbulb” moment for me. This is about learning together, and I love that. Thanks again, LK.

    1. Thank you so much secret-sub…. I love to hear when someone “gets-it” The light bulb moments… I love helping others in their journeys. LK

  18. Thank you so much for this post! It breaks everything down in chewable pieces. There is so much to learn and it’s so exciting that I find myself wanting it ALL and RIGHT NOW. This post really puts into perspective how important each step is to a lasting dynamic. Thanks again LK!

  19. I want to simply Echo what others have said when I express my gratitude for this post. I would say the biggest thing it helped me with is to realize that I do need to help my Husband to learn, as he knew nothing about this before I told him about it. I feel much better knowing that it’s “normal” to be the one doing much of the training of my Master at first. Also, I’m curious if there is a good reference for learning the 9 basic positions? He wants me to focus on those as one of my first lessons. Thank you LK and everyone else too!

    1. I have a post on the 9 positions.. Search it on the blog in the search bar… submissive positions… Let me know if you can’t find it.. HUGS!


  20. Thank you LK for posting this! I love it and I have found it so helpful. I sent it to my HusDom also. He isn’t on yet, but I just brought it up to him and showed him the site yesterday so I’m hoping he follows through and makes some good connections for support & guidance.

    1. Hu littlenaviah, Thanks for commenting! I am going to review and update this post a bit because now I am in my 4th year and looking back I can see things with even more clarity. The phases are important… Never stop peddling, even after training wheels come the best advice I can give.. HUGS! LK

  21. I just found this post and it is exactly what I have been looking for. My husband and I are very new and this has been very eye opening. I think I expected him to just read my mind and figure things out. It never occurred to me to help guide him through the early stages (I thought that would be like me controlling him). It’s like an “Ah ha” moment, Thank you LK!

  22. Thanks so much for this post!! My husDom and I have been dabbling in the d/s lifestyle for a while but we resently found your site and are so excited. We feel like this is what we have needed. It is amazing the things I have learned in the last few days. I feel like I now understand my place and the need to guide him as well. Again thanks so much!!!

    1. So happy that my post could help you. Purge, wipe the slate clean and do your formal acceptance and become D/s-M with your Sir!
      Welcum to the site! LK

  23. How often do you gals do downtime? Can you do too much? Is there such a thing as overkill? I ask bc right now we have a chat about every evening during our smoke break on the back porch after Babe has went Ninite. Of course, it’s me bringing up topics bc we are in the first stage (even though I introduced him a year ago lol)

    1. Hello Dbbg, I just had a live chat about the subject 2 nights ago. You can still see it up and posted a couple more days. Also see my post regarding Downtime. 2X’s a Month at least and yes you can over do it just like anything else. This time should be kept as a special time. Its not only about the communication its about setting the mindsets and getting to know what your sub and what his DOM feels like.
      Thank you for commenting! LK

  24. I’m thankful to read this post, thank you very much, miss LK. I’m still new to the scene and starting out slowly with my son, I can at least expect a little how this life would pace out for me 🙂

    1. LittleKitty, Thank you for commenting to this post. As I have gone through my own journey this post was created. As I look at it I have a few updates to add since I am over 5 years into my journey now… HUGS! LK

  25. This post has helped give me such a peace of mind. I am a runner in everything I do. I find something I like and dive in. I have not had the patiences I should with my Sir who is just as new as I am but doesn’t have the time to read like me. It was driving me crazy that I felt like all ideas were mine but now I realize that it’s okay if they. (He has plenty of his own ideas I was being too demanding) And I mean this was my idea this was something I told him I wanted. So it’s unfair of me to rush him into something he isn’t ready for. In time he will find his Dom with the guidance of my submission 🙂 With a little logic we know that everyone goes at their own pace but it makes it easier to accept when you see it in black and white.

  26. We’ve reached the 6 month mark in our Journey. Today marks the beginning of the second half of our first year as a D/s-M couple. I find myself wanting to ‘check those boxes’ and keep track of our progress like a project with a deadline. This helped remind me that I don’t want a deadline, I don’t want an end. Our Journey is meant to be organic, a living, breathing, beautiful thing that we nurture and feed together. Thank you for reminding me that I asked for the power exchange, I asked him to be my guide, my teacher, my husDom. I asked for higher standards and expectations. Now I need to follow when He leads. Let go and feed the subMrs he is helping to grow within me so she can feed the Dom he has become.

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