D/s- Married Couples | Interacting as Dominant and Submissive

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive

You start your journey and you read books and find those examples of how you want your D/s or submission to look like. You become a sponge ..a submission sponge. You learn the definitions and you find your foundations. You also have begun your scenes and have achieved higher highs. The downtimes become more and more amazing… You have succeeded in your journey thus far. Your husband has accepted his role as your Dominant. You have accepted your role as his submissive. You’re working as a team. Your bedroom is your playroom.

You want more …You want this illusive 24/7…. everyone talks about it and they want it..most say they have it. If you’re married and in D/s… you will interact  24/7. What it comes down to is your husband wants to have you/employ you as his submissive and you live together.  You get through the bedroom and want it all the time in your marriage…in your everyday. You give and get your titles… check that off your list. You find ways to inspire and thank one another daily for giving each other such a special gift. This lifestyle is a gift… He is giving you a fictional fairytale life that has only been known in books up until now….. You live it.. FSOG is your lifestyle. D/s-Married Couples is the dynamic you have. OK… Where now? You have done your first phase with flying colors. Your husDOM has his training wheels off and is successfully making that atmosphere. It’s been work .. Hard work. You have Ebbs & Flo’s . You understand that you can revert vanilla but have the tools to regain your submission and move forward never letting the stream completely dry up.

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

*I am still learning in my journey… Your D/s still needs your guidance. Either of you stop doing your homework and finding those ways to be better in what you’re doing you will quickly revert back to those vanilla days. You have to do the downtime and the other rituals like scheduling scenes etc… or you will revert and lose everything you worked so hard for in the first place. You have to still guide a bit and learn more about you and your submission. You want this outside the bedroom and have to understand all of the dynamics outside of the bedroom. You need something to draw from. You both have to agree there’s more work to be done on both sides, as a submissive and a Dominant. Re-new your commitment and get back to your studies ladies. You have been doing the communication… but have you been interacting as a submissive and Dominant? What should the perimeters be to this interaction? Again, you learn the basics and make it your own reality. How do you interact daily within the D/s-M? How is it set up so that he has positive control and not negative control within the dynamic? How do you feed one another throughout the interactions? Not just in misunderstandings but in everyday interactions.

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

You need Daily Interactions examples….I need examples… so I thought starting a new line of posts showing some of these examples would be good for more seasoned subs as well as new ones.

Ring the BELL… Schools back in session.. Fall Down the rabbit-hole with me once again…

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

Example 1: Burnt Submissive

It was a warm windy spring day… Pollen was in the air and winter was finally lifting. Sir and I were to go on a walk together. Some exercise and some communication ( downtime ) … two birds with one stone.

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

I was getting ready and I heard Sir getting himself ready for a walk. He told me to make sure you put your sunscreen on. The sun is hot and I don’t want your skin to be irritated for our next scene tomorrow.

Well, I finished getting ready and we started to walk and got just out of the driveway and onto our path when he asks me about my sunscreen. I told him … I had not applied it and quickly went into the hundred reasons I had forgotten.. dogs got out and I had to put them back in and well it’s so far to go back now.

Let’s just keep walking. I could see the disappointment on his face. We had a couple of sentences back and forth ..me defending my position and him doing the same. Until we both were arguing. He then turned and walked back to the house not speaking to me.  Then, me showing him and going on my walk anyway without him… “I’ll show him”… I knew he wanted to go on a walk bad…… I got back and he wasn’t speaking to me… I was burnt! I didn’t understand how bad…

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

all images from google

I replayed the whole interaction in my mind over and over… Why didn’t he just make me go back in and put the sunscreen on? Take control..damn it! He is the Dominant, right? Then I’d ask myself,  why didn’t I just go back as he instructed in the beginning? I knew it was important to him… Then I would think he went stomping back in like a child and I was the one acting as the adult… NOT!  Why didn’t I submit and respect what I knew he wanted and the walk would have gone on as planned and the day perfect.

Things went wrong…  We were both wrong… Our D/s interaction went very vanilla!

What should have happened… Let’s examine how many times this could have been turned around…

First, I should have submitted… I did not put on the sunscreen… I should have submitted went back and put it on when he asked.

Second, When we argued..control was lost on both sides and angry words were said. Keep control of the situation and keeping the Dominant’s emotions at bay. The Dominant should keep from reacting to my reactions. I should stay respectful and quiet myself.

Third, the Dominant needs to take control of the situation… Insisting that I go put the sunscreen on or there would be consequences instead of stomping off angrily.

There are three instances where it could have been changed. One thing to remember is to give yourself a break… It takes practice to remember to take steps like these. Live and Learn…

We sat and discussed things later that night. Where things went wrong. How do we make it right…

Oh… yeah… The next day, scene day I was so burnt I couldn’t do the scene Sir wanted to do.. So I let him down again… Every action has consequences..good or bad… On both sides.

Example 2: Disappointment and Vanilla

sub: I need to really learn how to focus and pay attention to my sir when he is talking with me. I have a
bad habit called iPhone syndrome. When my Sir is talking with me I have a habit of half-listening
and half watching or scrolling through my phone. I have good intentions on wanting to know all
about my sir’s work or whatever is on his mind, however, my phone and social networking have other
ideas.

Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

The other night sir and I were headed out to dinner and we were talking about his work I was
listening and answering, then it happened my phone buzzed in a text message in the middle of my Sir
talking to me and I looked down at it and glanced at the number. I did not recognize the number so
my mind went to try to locate it, at the same time my Sir asked me a question. It was like crickets in
the car. Sir looked over at me and said “ You did not hear a word I said ” I apologized and said        I’m sorry please tell me again” Sir proceeded to tell me “no, it’s not important enough for you to listen the first time” OUCH. I asked again and he still said “no”. The car was quiet and I asked him if he was going to ignore me the rest of the night. Sir said “I just want to be a priority”, OUCH again! I said I was sorry again and Sir was quiet I asked if he was mad at me his words were this “I am not mad I am disappointed” I then went to straight Vanilla…. I said “ then let’s just go home if you’re not going to talk to me the rest of the night” Sir said nothing. It was a long silent ride to our destination and just making small talk was hard. We both shut down and went vanilla. The wall begins to build…

subMrs.com, Interacting as Dominant and Submissive,D/s- Married Couples

I then proceeded to ask him how do we fix this? I said I would not take my phone with me whenever we leave the house and he just rolled his eyes and made a comment “that will never happen”.

So we continue communicating like a vanilla couple. I just sat there quiet hoping it would just fix itself.   We will have a good conversation during our next downtime on how not to let the vanilla escalate.

What could we have done differently as a Dom/sub to correct it before it got out of hand??

First, phones an issue you should discuss within your dynamic. The Phone could be considered a respect issue with Dominants. Sit in DOWNTIME and make sure what the expectation is for phone usage. The usual etiquette is as follows during dining: Turn off your smartphone off and don’t use it at all because that implies you are more interested in your device than in the people around you. If you cannot miss a call, you must inform your host in advance, and you must take this call in another room. – Gentleman’s Gazette

Second, the Dominant needs to take control of the situation and take emotions out of it. Taking the phone or asking sub to turn it off. We as subs need to realize when we are out with our Sirs they are our direct reason for being there.. our attention belongs to them. Getting that mindset is so important. Your Sir takes you out then you are out together..with him and he deserves your complete attention. Live & Learn together.

Third, the communication was there and that was good but the emotional reactions were unneeded. Action and reaction… try to stop reacting to what your partner is saying. This only builds bigger walls and bigger punishments!

~

It seems the same thing in both situations … Dominants need to take control of the situation, taking the emotional element out on both sides.  Submissive’s needs to accept the correction ..no excuses. Quit reacting to your partner’s actions or words. After something comes up then it needs to be discussed in downtime right away!

So communication goes a long way with D/s- Married Couples but learning to interact as a submissive and Dominant is something that is equally important. 

Dominants: www.husDOM.com

Seasoned Subs… 2+ yr.

Domination and submission

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Responses

  1. Lk This was a subtastic post and words of wisdom. I think we all need to really listen more to our Dom’s and give them 110% of our submission, not just when it suits us. If we as sub’s do not agree or see what we did differently than our Dom’s than we should discuss it in downtime as you stated not in the heat of the moment. Our Dom’s should also remember to stay in control by taking the lead in a calm manner and make sure we follow through with what he directs us to do at that very moment there is a issue. This will happen to us all during our journey’s and it’s up to us as sub’s to change our ways and give our Dom’s the respect that is due to them.

  2. LK, I have been wanting and waiting for a post of this topic. Sir and I tend to have this issue more often than not. Needing my sir to take control of the conversation and I needing to not get defensive. we need to remember we are in D/s mode and not vanilla. Once again thank you for your words and guidance on how to defuse a vanilla situation before it can started.

    Hugs
    Sweetness

  3. Great post LK and great examples.. I’ve been in similar situations and have always been quick to put the wall up.. As we’ve journeyed further into D/s-M, our communication has improved but we are still learning. The vanilla tries to poke it’s head in, but we are getting better at keeping it from fully entering in our relationship. Sometimes it takes us both reviewing our roles in downtime to help with that.

    Thanks for the post and the reminders!

    ❤️SSB

  4. Sir has recently been home on medical leave. Similar small but significant interactions have happened to us lately, so the timing for this post has been marvelous. Sir has had more time to work on his D/s and I have been overwhelmed with regular extras on my plate. I have resisted giving him more of my time and attention since he is home to demand more. It has been something new for us to work through, (mostly me work through

  5. an other awesome post LK, many things in your post makes sense even if I am bedroom submissive, the way I see it, we choose this dynamic and if we had those types of interactions I will have a hard time being submissive later that day (bedroom) because the issue isn’t resolved…

  6. My Little Kaninchen,

    You have written a very important and comprehensive post regarding the everyday interactions between a Dominant and submissive and have done an outstanding job articulating some of the common issues that arise.

    You are a very wise, and sexy, rabbit…

    With love,

    Mr Fox

  7. Wow, I could have written those two scenarios myself. The phone is definitely an issue for us. As you know we are still newish in our journey so we end up reverting back to Vanilla way too easily and we both end up disappointed and feeling like something is missing. Thanks so much for writing this. It definitely made me think.

  8. We’re still at early stages but after reading this I went to my husband and said that I know I have a tendancy to do this – and its completely ok for him to tell me to put it away/ remind me it shouldnt be out.

    I’m at the having read a lot stage while he’s still liking the idea but not really clear what to do – maybe me giving him “permissions” over smaller things will hopefully mean he realises he can take control?

    1. Please keep reading… We all started the same way. You have it right..give him those small moments and he will build on them.
      Sit in downtime and tell him exactly what you said here. It will really build him up.. build his DOM… Welcum to the site.

      LK

  9. Thanks LK – I think I need to find ways to build up his DOM and his confidence without trying to take control!

  10. This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight! Thank you LK for sharing so many parts of your journey. It is invaluable to help keep us mindful of our words, and deeds. We all have times when things do not go our way or go right, dealing with them in these contexts of being mindful of the D/s is very critical to keep from going down the vanilla road; and if we have gone down it we have to turn around and run back.