“Our souls crave intimacy”—Erwin Raphael McManus
Intimacy: Intimacy is the experience of emotional closeness. It occurs when two people are able to be emotionally open with one another, and reveal their true feelings, thoughts, fears, and desires. This can only occur when both people are able to genuinely trust one another, and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable. -Google
The noun intimacy comes from the Latin word intimare, which means “impress,” or “make familiar,” which comes from the Latin intimus, meaning “inmost.” Intimacy is a close connection. There is another kind of intimacy — physical intimacy, which comes from having a sexual relationship, which, one hopes, fosters the other kind of intimacy as well. – Vocabulary.com
Intimacy in your Domination and submission marriage
I see within the community the word intimacy thrown around quite frequently. I did add intimacy to our list of necessary foundations in a D/s-M dynamic. It is a must to achieve a true D/s-M marriage. True intimacy is the ability to share who you really are with another person. This implies the other person is also able to share who they really are with you, their authentic and true self. You achieve knowing your authentic self by having genuine experiences and achieving that feeling of being “alive”. You probably experienced true intimacy early in your marriage and after many years of miscommunication and poor behaviors, it has caused your intimacy to weaken and even go away. Many couples/individuals over time lose knowing their real selves and often couples/individuals don’t come to know their true selves until they start this wonderful journey, D/s-M . Overall, if you can’t be honest and true with another person then you can not offer them true intimacy. I explain to every submissive in this community that with submission, finding it and becoming it, that you will become stronger and NOT what society deems a submissive woman to be, weak. When you first decide to be a submissive, you should work on yourself, finding that real-self and making it the best you can. That is truly hard work. You gain strength within yourself and your marriage. If you can testify to that please leave a comment on that post with your example of how you became stronger because of your D/s-M or submission.
I have to talk a bit about False Intimacy. An individual can not share something they don’t have ahold of, such as their true-self. Sharing or acting from those things from our pasts or present wounds, this is our false-self. This false intimacy is more like identifying with someone and NOT fostering or giving true intimacy. This false intimacy will last only a short period of time between people and that relationship can be quickly abandoned. In other words, there is no real loyalty between the individuals, no true intimacy. Thus my warning, if your marriage is already lost and intimacy is gone, this journey can bring you to the end of your relationship just as easy as it can heighten & deepen your marriages. Warning: D/s-M is not a bandage for something already broken.
Building Intimacy in your D/s-M
Don’t make it about doing the deed, all the time. YES, I SAID THAT OUT LOUD….. LOL! Well, I guess I mean don’t make every exchange between the two of you about getting down to the dirty…SEX…… LOL! You need to build emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. Try somebody exploration that does not end in sex. This builds physical intimacy.
Quality Time, You and your Sir should start scheduling or keep your “date night”. It is so important to never cancel, both of you make each other the most important relationship you have. Keeping your word and committing to quality time will build your intimacy. Your Dominant should always be giving you something to look forward to. Dinner out or dinner in… But NO KIDS, NO FAMILY, just the two of you.
Affirmation, words that are complimentary and words of appreciation. Being positive and giving positive feedback about things your partner is doing or has done in the past.
Gifts, big or small, they are a must and that’s not only for the Dominant to give to submissives. You ladies need to make sure that you also give those things to him that he would like to have… Do these regularly.
Acts of Service, you don’t have to be a service submissive to do nice things for your Dominant. In downtime ask him what he would like you to do. Do some practical tasks for your partner those things you can do and without being asked to do them. You know your Dominant think about what may surprise him.
Look into their eyes, put down the phone, i-pad, or computer screen. When he speaks to you look into his eyes. It is harder than you think, but with your DOM do not multitask as he is speaking. Your entire attention is his. This feeds your Dominant.
Listen, Listen, Listen Actively.
Read to him, this will feed him in multiple ways. Read at night a few paragraphs of your erotic book. Highlight things when you’re not together that you can go back and make sure he hears what it is you like or want to try.
Space, do your own thing apart. I would say that letting your partner do his hobby or activity alone, let him be himself outside of your marriage. Do this approximately once a week. (Couples that are on the daily 9-5 schedules.) You finding your own thing to do away from him will give an “absence makes the heart grow fonder feeling” when you come back together.
Touching, hold hands, touch or rub his back now and again. Ask him to touch you. Tell and show him how you desire to be touched. Sit in his lap……
LET GO! Sometimes, in society, we seem to get all caught up in what we look like as a couple to the outside world. Let go of that and find what feels good to you and your Dominant. Nothing looks better on a couple than a healthy happy horny dynamic. When you can do that you can get to know you and your husDOM in a more intimate way.
Sharing Intimacy with others. At some point in D/s-M, you will be approached or feel at a crossroads with thinking about sharing intimacy with another person or couple. It’s a normal thing to think about but, this is a road that you DO NOT have to take ever if you do not want to. It’s NOT the ‘next step’, if someone tells you that or insists it is, it should raise a red flag. You never have to take that step, unless you BOTH decide to take that detour or step in your journey. Sharing, meaning touching, playing, and being more familiar with someone other than your Sir and even him with another. In fact, sharing does NOT have anything to do with D/s-M, Dominance and submission in any manner, it is strictly the kink or BDSM of the dynamic, an activity that you may choose to partake in within your D/s-M.
Intimacy is not a physical act or a tangible item such as the act of sex or a penis or a vagina. Intimacy is something much more special shared between individuals. In essence, you and your Sir are giving a piece of something special away, you will not be able to take it back or replace it. A crucial thing to remember is that intimacy is something that can be damaged or even destroyed. You must be absolutely positive that if you decide to share your intimacy you will both be alright with how you both feel afterward. When any of us are considering sharing intimacy there is the reality that neither person can know absolute how each partner will feel after the fact. What could you lose if one of you feels differently than you may have thought prior to the act? You both need to be secure enough in your marriage and secure enough in yourselves to know that sharing, even such thing as a simple touch would not undermine your entire marriage. Some couples can “swing” regularly and share intimacy and most can not.
Unfortunately, I have not experienced a married couple doing so for longer than a couple of years without them separating or even a divorce prevailing. I spoke about False Intimacy above and this seems to be the case most times. When you are having false intimacy you are identifying with this person or persons and developing a relationship with them. A relationship where one or more of you could be shut out of. Always, find out one another’s genuine motivation for wanting that experience and talk, talk, and talk about it before acting on it. This becomes a very real risk vs reward consideration to contemplate.
I want to close up with a “Garden of Eden” metaphor your marriage is a “garden”, you and your Sir a “tree” You both make up this tree, intertwined, making your branches full and strong. Your marriage has the right foundations and your D/s-M has developed and enriched both of you until your tree grows “fruit”. This fruit is precious not to be eaten except by the people who have worked hard over the years nurturing and helping it grow, you, and your husDOM. Will you both be alright with letting someone touch and eat this fruit? Your fruit can sit and only be eaten by the two of you year after year, or you can share that fruit (intimacy) with others. Do you keep away the “serpent” or do you invite him in?
Can you both handle the serpent?
With our communities, we promote a monogamous married Domination and submission relationship but we also believe you can have some experiences that can enrich your marriages and not harm it. These experiences are controlled by the Dominant and not encouraged to be repeated, but you can have them if you’re both prepared and full of fruit. If you repeat these experiences you both take the chance of forming relationships, with the other parties. Meaning relationships with your partner maybe even replacing you. Weed your garden, don’t grow weeds!
Going back to the beginning of the post, our community and our gatherings can give you those genuine and true experiences and help you feel alive, thus finding you and your true self so that you can have TRUE INTIMACY with your husband and most importantly yourself.
Next Warren D/s-M Gathering New Orleans (NOLA) October 2017, cum join us… See the blog post!!