What is it he wants & Can you give it to him?
Domination and submission Marriage: Respect
Understanding what makes a husDOM™, your Dominant tick… It’s not about what he wants being right or wrong. It’s about …. How do you as a wife, subMrs™, & his submissive sub-port him and more importantly show him respect? His wants are evolving as your relationship has changed into a Domination and submission marriage dynamic. All Dominants want it and at this point, they may even demand it. How do you give it to him? Can you achieve what brings him pleasure?
Is it a Dominant’s desire? Or a domineering man’s orders?
Domineering as an ADJECTIVE: ( A word that describes, identifies, or further defines a noun or a pronoun.) To assert one’s will over another in a cruel and arrogant way OR to tyrannize over. A domineering man is just that a man that asserts his will cruel ways… just a cruel man.
Dominant as a noun: (A Person, Place, or Thing.)
Dominant is defined as a person who exhibits power and control in a positive manner.
Let’s talk a bit before we get to sub-business….. Stop, drop, get your BIG girl Panties on…LOL!
First let’s quickly talk to the submissive’s that say you have to get respect, to give it… Now if your Sir and you have a good solid foundation already, you are already showing him respect regularly.. so you are NOT feeling the victim, then this doesn’t apply but if you and your Sir have issues with trust or respect then you may find you frequently become the victim and him the aggressor. I am sorry to tell you that it does NOT work that way (you have to get respect, to give it….). If you play the “victim” role, which is the part where you always feel wronged or dis-respected. Your partner becomes the aggressor and is the one always doing you wrong and you don’t understand why they do this to you. Step back look at the big picture. How do you suppose you’re going to change the cycle you’re both in? Do you think magically that the respect you think you’re “owed” is going to suddenly appear? If you don’t change your way of thinking… it’s going to destroy you and your relationship every chance it gets. You’ll build a wall so high you will never see past it again. STOP being the victim… Mirror or look at yourself, what are you’re seeing? The finger you see in the mirror who is it pointing to? Change your ways, make a change in you, and start showing him respect first, and watch how quick it makes changes in the respect you get back. Your Sir will begin using that aggression in a good way… Dominating you in the most enjoyable ways.
A husDOM feels respected by his subMrs. when he feels he’s achieved several things.***Keep in mind, most men/Dominants are fixers..logical, and very literal.
First thing… Money issue! The relationship killer!!!! The hardest one to do… But money is the necessary evil…….
Your Means: Your Sir wants you to be happy with your financials. He wants to feel good about providing for you, his submissive, and his family. First, ask yourself are you happy with where you are in life? Do you need to make changes? Money issues do they control you or him? How do we as a team control these financial issues and in the process make my D/s thrive and in turn make us both happy? Basically, “an end to the means issues” Are you living within your means and put an end to that answer being, NO!
Trying to find happiness in what you have and working within those boundaries takes a certain maturity. If you want more, know you have to work harder to get it. Show your Sir you will work to achieve happiness for both of you.
In a D/s lifestyle, in general, you’re in a place where your stage of financials may be softening for the first time in your life. Or, you also may be in a place of redefining yourself and finding a new path or career… thus facing some of the biggest stretches in your monies that you have ever taken on. So take this time to consider how you can help your Sir to achieve you both living within your financial means or relieve any financial stress’ your under. Handling financial stresses… That could be a post in its self but if you work together to solve these stresses and the timing is right then you can elevate these stress if not dash it all together. Small things add up so be responsible in the tinniest ways and it will please your Sir. Sit down think about it… kids may be getting old enough to take care of themselves so it opens your time. Is getting a job an option? Maybe it’s time to go back to school so you can achieve the career you put on hold when you were younger. Have you found a passion that could be a decent second income? If you already work, is there anything you can do that can help like cutting coupons or packing your lunch? Maybe putting together a new budget together. A new rule may be in order… The “Need or Want Rule”, Ask yourself every purchase is this a NEED or a WANT? If it’s a Need you get it. If it’s a WANT then you save up and buy it cash. Ask the kiddos if they can help by cutting back on something. Putting these things into practice may help you and your Sir start living within your means. Doing this communicates to your Dominant that you respect him and the house he is providing for.
Knowing He is Desired: He needs to know you covet him. Reassurance in words is a good thing. You tell him you want him to be your Dominant but your actions are twice as important. Welcuming his Dominance in the bedroom is key. There is a lot of days when you want to say no to sex or not feel like sex..yes even as a submissive there are times you don’t feel at optimum sexual submission. You have to never say no, he has to know you desire him at any time, this pleases him. You let him take you when he feels a need or want. Doing this speaks of your respect for him.
Physically do something with him. Dominants like to know that you like what he does, his hobbies. Find a way to do something with him physically outside of the bedroom. Example: Camp or exercise (take a walk together), ride bikes. One thing you should make sure you do together is laugh. Some say laughing is mental jogging. *** One of the biggest things you can do to your Sir at anytime that will show him your respect is simple… Just SMILE at him. Your Sir will feel your respect when he sees your happiness in doing something he also enjoys and as for the *smile… He will return the favor.
Showing Trust in Judgment: A Dominant feels respected when you respect his decisions. When you ask your Sir his opinion or to help you work through something and he advises you, he had your best interests, makes a decision for you, then takes his advice or decision and follow it. You are showing him respect in his decision making or the wisdom he as shared. This shows a submissive’s trust in her Sir. So, next downtime let him help you work through a decision and then thank him for that help. Asking permission to do something beforehand is a great way to show him you trust his judgment and will honor his wishes. Another idea is to ask your Sir what his preference is on your “dress”, then do as he asks.. Again, this shows trust in judgment.
Admiration, Build Your Dominant up with your words (both in public and in private).
A Dominant needs to know his submissive has his back no matter the situation. A subMrs. shows respect to her Sir in two ways, how she speaks to him and by how she speaks about him. She’s his biggest encourager, not his biggest critic. Verbally, Emphasize your Sir’s good points whenever you get a chance. You can show him admiration just by downcasting your eyes in respect to him. Letting him know you love and respect him openly around families and children really lets him feel your respect. Start promoting him once a day to someone or tell him something you like about him.
Engage him in communication:
Give your Sir your complete attention. You use Eye contact and body language to show him this respect. Along with attention, listening and verbal communication are all linked together in a big way in any successful relationship, vanilla or D/s-M.
Listening to your Sir. You listen not only with your ears but your eyes and body. You make good eye contact, sit up straight and shoulders back… bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.. a small pat on the back or rub and you are fully engaged and communicating with your Sir. This seems so simple but yet when you sit and try to just listen and not jump into the conversation to get your two cents in it’s one of the hardest things to do. I suggest you try to set up your communication in D/s from the beginning as a teamwork exercise. STOP thinking you know what he’s going to say… DO NOT TRY to beat him to the punchline. You soon will stop those old vanilla bad habits by doing this regularly.
sub: How was your day, Sir? (Keep this checklist… Eyes, Ears, Posture, and Body Contact.)
Dom: Good, I am so tired. (STOP! SUBS DONT JUMP IN, let him keep talking.) Ya know that guy Fred at work, the guy we call Flintstone?
sub: Yes. (DONT ADD, JUST LISTEN.) Stop what you’re doing and sit and listen. (CHECKLIST)
DOM: Well he invented something new at work. He wants to call it “The Wheel”. (OK, Keep letting him tell you about Fred.) Ignore the phone, TV, or someone else. This shows respect.
Your Sir gets to communicate his entire thought. Then when he is done he will ask you a question or give you a sign that he is done then it’s your turn. You can communicate back to him your thoughts on what he was speaking of or you get to talk about your issue for the day. But, you have set this up (during downtime) so your Sir is aware of how the exercise on communication works. Soon, you will use the exercise every day and avoid those vanilla pitfalls. Also, as women and some men love to talk about ourselves or our days. Think about it, do you change every conversation into something about yourself? That’s another post but I mention this so you can realize that these things may make your Sir feel like he is NOT respected or worse yet disrespected. Communication is much more than just words. A submissive should be very mindful of the tone of her voice when talking to her Sir. I know if we start getting into a heated discussion or the pressure of a disagreement starts to loom, the octave of my voice goes up 2-3 levels. Your facial expressions show if you mean any sarcasm or contempt toward him. Try to NOT cross your arms in front of you that shows him you are putting up a wall. Keep your arms fluid at your sides. You should be able to discuss anything in a D/s-Marriage but it should always be done with respect and control from the submissive and the Dominant. If things are starting to get out of control then you ask to excuse yourself until you can control your emotions.
Keeping the respect:
These are some things you should keep from doing. These things will only emasculate him and keep him from building his Dominance. No one is perfect but STRIVE to be better.
NO MORE TAKING THE LEAD…. because you think he won’t take it in the time you expect him to or you do it because he isn’t doing it quick enough for you. You have to learn how to wait on your husDOM’s leadership to form in the beginning of your D/s-M. But, then after some time building his DOM, he will act quicker on taking the lead.
NO MORE MOTHERING… Your Sir has a mother and does NOT need another one. These things may have been acceptable or tolerated when you were vanilla but this has to stop. You may be a mother to your children and honestly come by this honestly but make sure you keep the mothering to your kiddos. What types of things does this include: Changing what your Sir says, correcting or regulating anything your Sir does. Taking the role of the mother toward your Sir is disrespectful.
NO MORE TALKING OVER HIM… If you need to speak wait your turn. If he starts to tell a story, don’t take his story over. Nothing worse than watching a submissive contradicting something her Dominant said in public. DO NOT tell him he is wrong about something… instead, say I am confused about what you’re saying and ask him respectfully to repeat his opinion or perspective on what you’re talking about.
NO MORE PHYSIC EXPECTATION… He can not read your mind, he does not have a crystal ball. You used to say, “But he knows when I do or say this or that, it means… STOP… No more! What you need to do is be open and communicate anything you need help with or want or need from him. This relationship is based on honest communication. You have to be able to feel comfortable enough to ask for what it is your thinking he already knows. You be direct but respectful. If you put it out there whatever it is, you are clearing up any confusion or ” I thought you meant” or ” I thought you realized” mix-ups later down the road. You be clear and open about your desires and let him know he can do the same.
NO MORE DISMISSING HIM… You have to stop yourself from verbally and or physically dismissing your Sir. NO ROLLING EYES and WAVING YOUR HANDS… Say goodbye to those things.
NO MORE OVERWHELMING INFORMATION & DETAILS……. Thinking out loud, a bad habit of mine. I dream or think out loud and it makes my Sir very tense. It is usually about things I want to do around the house or things I want to do for the kids or wanting a second home, a condo with a red room of pain. All of these things I think out in lots of detail. All of these things cost lots of money. I did not realize when I did this that I was overwhelming Sir or making him think I am unsatisfied with his care. Your Dom may think that you want him to do something immediately when you mean sometime in the future. I am treating my Sir like he is my friend and not my Dominant. If you’re like me I go into detail when describing things with friends, most women do. Your Sir does not need all the talking about details on something that is not coming into fruition at the moment.
In regards to respect; I have seen this saying written, forgive me if it’s not exactly as you have seen it written but it goes like this… “The respect you show others or the lack of respect you show others is a reflection on how much self-respect you have.”
In closing, have you forgotten how to respect not just your husDOM but everyone, even yourself? Showing respect to others in general, I think now may come off as being a weakness to people. I think that is sad. I hope everyone can take what I wrote about here and apply it to all the people, places, and things in their lives. Respect what you have, appreciate what you have, it could be worse in most situations. If we all stopped looked at what we do have and not at what we don’t have, we all would be in a much better frame of mind. As Tim Gunn on Project Runway would say… “Make it Work”. Make it work, your life for you. Take those steps to map out your life, make a “Life-Bubble”, another post… all together but make the most of what you got ladies and gentleman because take it from me it can be gone in just a few minutes, and don’t waste the ONE CHANCE you get here on earth. Make your life happy and make it something to be proud of. When you leave, that chance is gone. Did you just let life get away OR did you take it for a ride? You decide what you make of your life…no one else. not the past, not fear of future… today start off by respecting and appreciating what’s around you. ~LK
How to Respect Yourself/Having Self Respect, post cumming soon!
husDOM.com is a Dominant only web-site and is monitored to keep it so… Sorry subbies you have to get your Dominants to register and join to see the magic that happens behind the doors…
Domination and submission Relationship Coaching 1, Foundations: Respect
Matters within a D/s-M relationship