Downtime | D/s-Married Lifestyle

Downtime,, husDOM, D/S-M, D/s communication, submissive mindset, Dominant mindset


***Downtime for D/s-M was created by Mr Fox and I.  We have found that it is the number one ritual you should be practicing if nothing else.  Downtime is not only about communication it is about creating and sustaining the mindset, the mindset of a subMrs or husDOM.

What is it:

Downtime is an intimate meeting that can be called by either the husDom or submissive, subMrs.  This is the time you can discuss or communicate many things….anything relating to your D/s-M dynamics, rituals, review scenes & everyday happenings. Downtime can be called after a disagreement, after you both have cooled off.  Also, submissives can call it just in need of subport from her Dominant or vise versa.  You both are to keep your tones under control and respectful, professional.  I sometimes think to myself take the wife and husband out of the downtime. You are subMrs and husDOM during this time. You are your roles during this time.  You as a subMrs, you are his submissive during this time as your husband is your Dominant or husDOM.  Basically when he accepted your “formal Acceptance” then he has hired or contracted you as his subMrs. and accepted being your Dominant or husDOM.

He will be so thankful that you are giving him the keys to your mind and body, feeding his Dominance.

When and Where:

I advise most couples have downtime once a week or 4 times a month.  Even if you just go through the kneeling and touching parts of downtime it has done its job and fed you both.  It will feel more and more familiar and soon become one of the best ways for you both to communicate with one another. Downtime,, husDOM, D/S-M, D/s communication, submissive mindset, Dominant mindset

When you have started your D/s-M, one great thing to go out and do with each other is find your downtime chair.  Go shopping and find a nice chair that is comfortable for both of you to sit in or you in his lap.  It’s fun to go try them out in a store… the looks, TTWD, is your secret . This chair can be old or new whatever you both agree on.  Your chair should be put in your bedroom, or where it feels intimate. You can also find your own kneeling (foot) ottoman, sub-pillow or padding for your knees.


***It is so important that you use the posture that I describe in this post. Why is that? 

“The circle” that Mr Fox and I talk about and feeding one another with the circle, is what downtime does for both of you.  First the Dominant, when new to being a husDOM, they are not sure what it is he needs to do or portray to be this new role.  How does he connect with his Dominant and the feeling he gets when being that Dominant.  Well, he will feel it the moment he is sitting with you kneeling at his side and your head in his lap. When you kneel and keep your head lower then his he will feel his Dominant and will easier understand the feeling and how to identify what he desires that gives him that same feeling.  He then achieves the mindset he will keep and try to sustain when it comes to D/s-M.  As a submissive, you are to kneel when you first start your downtime.  You kneeling will help you become your role, his submissive. You are keeping your head below his. He will be the one to ask you to rise and sit with him or on him… as I describe. Again, practicing the roles.

Don’t & Why:

If you have downtime while laying in bed or in the shower or at the kitchen table, this is only communication this is NOT downtime. That type of communication is no different then what you may have done as a vanilla couple. Communication is key and a great thing but this downtime posture we have created is the only way you feed and build the mindset. Exercising the posture you both will become familiar with your submissive or Dominant, so important in the beginning.  Once you have been D/s-M for a while, this can quickly be cast to the side, due to vanilla influences, many times the first thing I ask subMrs if they are having troubles in their D/s-M’s. “Are you doing your downtimes regularly with the correct posture?” If no is the answer,  I advise start doing it again because it will make sure that the D/s-M stream doesn’t dry up and disappear. Downtime is your connection to it all.

~The Art of Downtime~


I  wear my robe as Mr Fox asks me to in the evenings when we do our downtime. The robe can be removed  for his pleasure when we are finished.   Mr. Fox calls me over he likes me to kneel and put my head in his lap.  He will place my subMrs-pillow on the floor for my knees.  He loves to massage my scalp, nape of my neck and pull at my hair as we talk.  My head lower then his, sets the tone and mindset and keeps us both mindful of our roles.  The feeling of being his submissive or subMrs fills my mind.  Showing respect, I wait for my husDOM to begin our conversation.   He may ask you to speak first but let him ask before you speak.  After a few moments, he asks me if I wish to join him on his lap.  I join him and we talk about whatever is on our minds. I may show him my journal or lists or online images of scenes or toys. We discuss things and both find our answers or acknowledgements. He will call our downtime finished with a kiss on my hand. If he prefers he will Downtime,, husDOM, D/S-M, D/s communication, submissive mindset, Dominant mindsetdecide if he wants my robe removed or I am to redress. 


Keep in mind if your knees hurt then by all means use some padding.  If you can not physically bend and kneel you and your Sir decide how else you can sit, keeping your head below his.  

Very Important,  there is No Fear of retribution for speaking your mind on either side. You both have a voice in downtime. Now, remember subMrs that you have to be able to take constructive criticism as your Sir will do as well.

Ask & respect him even if you get a “No” .  By respecting his Dominance you will feed him and make him feel stronger in his role, in turn he will feed you.

Great time to read scene ideas from books or show your Sir some images/video’s online of things you would like to try.

If there are things you want to help him or guide him with like things you would like him to do to you or say to you this is your stage. Use your submissive, subMrs voice and ask.  Make a list and give it to him. Read your list or information from your notes or journal to him.

Use a ritual when beginning or ending your downtime… A kiss on the back of the neck, a kiss on the each wrist. A way he can greet and dismiss you in a positive ways.

Think about downtime attire.  He may love you fresh showered and in his fuzzy robe or his t-shirt. You can find certain clothing to wear during downtime that becomes your ritual.

Downtime is always a WIN/WIN… for both sides.

***subMrs, if you make your own submissive pillow, please send me a picture, you never know maybe we can make a challenge and a gift for best entry… 

Best Wishes,


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  1. Great post LK. I can’t begin to say how much adding downtime to our relationship has helped. It’s a great time to make sure you are both on the same page. Especially in the beginning. For those of you who may not have added it yet, please do. You won’t regret it.

  2. Love the post LK. I was upset over something the other day and could feel my old vanilla reaction trying to creep in, so I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to say to my Sir, and then asked for downtime. Sir was wonderful, understanding and happy that I responded the way I did. So much so, that I’m sure he let me cum more often then normal that evening! I officially love downtime!

  3. Great definition of downtime LK… We purchased a leather chair for our room, we call it the “Dom chair” We use if mainly for downtime but have used it for fun stuff too.. just recently when I came out of the bathroom my sir was sitting in it after we had a small disagreement and requested I come kneel which usually we sit on the bed or i sit in his lap, but this time he had me kneel I was taken back but so excited this was the first time since his training wheels have come off that he had such authority.. As I Knelt he played with my hair and it just sent me into a calm feeling… We discussed our disagreement and he reassured me everything would be fine. It was a different feeling than usual. I love downtime…

    Love the pics and the stripper bunny!! LOL

  4. I can’t tell you enough how much downtime has helped in our D/s.. it is one of the things that helps me to stay in a submissive mindset. I love it. We are usually on the bed with my head in my Sir’s lap, he plays with my hair and rubs my back… it’s just so calming…
    Thanks LK!


  5. Little Kaninchen,

    Downtime has proven itself to be invaluable to us along our own journey… I am glad that you have written a post sharing our experience with others. Hopefully others can glean the same benefits from downtime as we do…

    With loving Dominance,

    Mr Fox

  6. I think we do this without realising, or naming it. Because we are still new to this we are learning as we go. After a scene, especially one where Sir tried new things, we often talk about how it was, what I liked etc. Although I really enjoy talking about it, and I need to, I’ve been wondering if it will take the power out of our D/s relationship, if that makes sense – like I’m not really being a sub in that moment. I think I will show this to Sir and he can decide whether to formalise our downtime or leave it be for the moment.

    One idea I had was to write down ideas that i have and put them in a tin for Sir to read when he feels like it – it lets him get into my head to see what I would like, and also gives him ideas. It’s hard because I’m the creative one and he is still getting used to being a Dom. He has been doing really well so far though 🙂 I guess that is the type of thing other do during downtime – share ideas.

  7. Great post! I love this idea of having an ‘official’ time to go over things while still keeping the D/s dynamic present and not just normal talking. I have read both yours and Mr. Fox’s posts to hubby in hopes that we might be able to incorporate this. He hasn’t said anything in regards to it yet, but I am hopeful.
    So hopeful… that I’ve started making notes of things that I would like to discuss. 🙂

  8. Great post Lk! Downtime is such an important tool in a D/s relationship it gives the Dom/sub a neutral time where they can discuss anything from reviewing punishment, scenes, dislikes, likes and everyday vanilla or D/s struggles. Its an open honest communication time to state your problems without fear or stress about repercussions or arguments . It’ can be overwhelming at times and peaceful were you feel cared and loved for. It plays a major part in learning about one another even if it’s the smallest of things in the relationship. It stops problems from a rising to the point that you loss control of yourself and it can save your D/s from heading in the wrong direction.

  9. I physically and mentally need dowtime! We have done it informally before but last night we talked about having it for formally. I love this group and am learning so much! Now to just get Sir on husDOM!

    1. Yes Hw, please do get your Sir registered on By him being engaged and learning it will help your journey in ways you can not image. He can lurk for a bit but there are others there that are happy to help him find his way. The camaraderie is price-less.
      Thank you for commenting and I encourage you to do Downtime formally… its the only way to both keep your mindsets. HUGS! LK

  10. Great read. I do believe this is something we need to try. I’m horrible with communication. Master tries to talk to me and get me to communicate how I feel or what I’m looking for out of this and I just cant put it into words and tell him. I know he’s not a mind reader and I can’t put expectations on him that he knows nothing about. It’s been about a year, but still seems new, like we aren’t getting far..

    1. Just putting in downtime weekly will change your relationship so much. Make sure you are scheduling it and scene time as well. D|s-M is about working on the relationship as much as the sexual parts. Best Wishes! lk