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Hoping Mr Fox can help my husband be the Dom I want…
Hi everyone
I kinda dropped the D/s thing on my husband out of the blue recently. I got into it through Instagram, got swept up in totally, knew it was what i wanted but knew my husband wasnt a Dom at all – I ended up having a few experiences behind my husband’s back. He found out about my secret instagram account and it all came out – he just didn’t turn me on anymore because it wasn’t D/s, he didnt make me want to submit… they way he talked, acted, kissed, everything just turned me off. He said he was excited about the idea but knew nothing about it, everything was so awkward – it was clear he knew nothing about it. I wanted to leave but we have a 5 yo son and I know I love my husband and our life together, I had to give him a chance. So after deciding we both still wanted to stay together, we had a sex ban for 2 weeks to relieve the pressure of “making sex what I wanted”- he just thought rough sex was the answer and it was just awful and I dreaded it, and a social media ban to help with his trusting me again after the secret Insta account.Since then he has read a lot more, and found Mr Fox and LK. I can feel improvements already, I have real hope we can get there. We had a really good chat last night, I said how his kisses and affection often come across as neediness rather than a Dom’s admiration of a sub, a turn off which makes me recoil… I asked him to take a step back to allow me to be able to step forward.
I know I’m being really unfair, it’s me who broke the trust and effectively shattered any confidence he did have and now I’m expecting dominance, confidence and leadership in an instant – but I NEED it… I don’t think I can stay if he can’t step up and that thought turns my stomach.
Any advice will be welcomed, how can I help him step up? I don’t feel we’re in a D/s marriage yet, the way he says things sounds like he’s just telling me to do things (which is a turn-off) rather than asking and expecting absolutely that i will do it. The differences are so subtle I find it so hard to explain but I feel like he has so much to get right before I’ll happily submit. I don’t want to serve him just because that’s what a sub does, I want to want to serve him – he’s just not the man I can submit to… yet.
Please tell me I’m not going completely mad…
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16 Replies
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Good morning LingerieAddict,
First, I want to say that I can empathize with how you feel about your husband. Unfortunately, I relate to it from my first marriage, which ended in divorce (for which I am truly grateful).
If you truly want a D|s-M marriage with this man, then the foundations of Honesty, Communication, Trust, Respect, and Intimacy need to be in place long before you worry about the way he swings a flogger or what rules he expects you to follow. As you said, you already violated his trust and it sounds like you struggle with respecting the man that he is. Maybe start with what you do love about him and try to focus on that to encourage your own submissive mindset. If you have not already read about starting your foundations, LK wrote about it here: https://submrs.com/foundation/
I’ll be in the chat this morning if you want to talk.
StaciStarting Your Foundation, Wiping the Slate & Climbing the Ladder in a D/s-Married Dynamic
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Hello LingerieAddict, welcome to submrs!
When I first brought this dynamic to my husband almost 4 years ago it was because I desired it with every ounce of my being, but I desired it with him…and we agreed very early on that if this ever stopped working for us, our marriage always came first. Luckily, it has worked very well for us, but it wasn’t an immediate snap of the fingers and BOOM we had our perfect dynamic…we STILL don’t; we work on it every day. It took us a long time to build our foundation, figure out how D/s-M was going to fit into our marriage/family and work out all of the kinks (no pun intended). It took time and patience. As our foundation continued to form, our roles continued to increase and our dynamic continued to strengthen.
I remember a time around month 3 where I was getting frustrated because I was being selfish and was only consumed by what he wasn’t doing. I came on here and was chatting with other members about it. LK asked me a question that changed my perspective immediately. She asked me, “How bad do you want this?” Throughout that conversation we discussed how I had to take a look in the mirror and start working on my submission. I was so worried about him being what I wanted that I was failing miserably at recognizing what he needed/wanted. I immediately flipped a switch inside me and started becoming the submissive my Sir needed me to be in order for him to become the Dominant I wanted him to be. And that is when we really started making progress. We started feeding each other in this continuous circle of D/s-M. Have we had bumps and full blown roadblocks come along??? ABSOLUTELY! I don’t regret a single one either…they taught us so much and showed us just how strong the foundation that we took so much time to build actually was.
You see…I know I have responsibility in this just as much as he does. We are a team in this. If I am not willing to submit to him, how is he supposed to be my Dom? Someone who MAKES someone else submit is not a Dominant; they are a domineering jerk. I see my submission as a gift to my Sir. I give it to him freely because I desire to be submissive to him and in return, he gifts me his Dominance. Neither of us are perfect at it 100% of the time; we are only human and have vanilla crap creep in all the time. What matters the most is that we are committed to it and to each other.
Here are some links that might help you see things differently than you are right now:
https://submrs.com/showing-respect-to-your-dominant-domination-and-submission-marriage/
https://submrs.com/expectant-submissive-personality-submissive-submrs-lifestyle-coaching-little-kaninchen/
https://submrs.com/phases-of-dominance-submission-fsog-lifestyle-my-reality/Smooches,
VShowing Respect to Your Dominant | Domination and submission Marriage
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Thank you V, I definitely need to read those links. I am willing to submit, it just doesn’t feel right all the time – it feels awkward and embarrassing because he doesn’t know what to do with me… which is why I’m glad he has found HusDom, I just want reassurance its the right place for him. I know I have a responsibility too, I’m fully committed to working through all the bumps… but to know that Bumps along the way are normal and that scenes and experiences aren’t perfect all the time helps lots xxx
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Patience, patience, patience! It’s our 4 letter word around here; we hate to hear, “be patient” but it is sooooo very important lol
Yes, HusDom is the perfect place for him to be doing his research…
Read the links, clean the slate and start building your foundation TOGEHTER.
Let me or any ambassador know if there is a topic you want to ready more about and we can either guide you to it or show you how to get it yourself.Smooches,
V
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Good morning
I can only echo what has already been said. Our DsM doesn’t work without the basic foundations. Honesty, communication, trust, respect, intimacy and love. Those are also the foundations that make a marriage work. I have learned (for me/us) it is not as much as him being the dominate I want him to be as me being the submissive who is feeding his dominance. This dynamic takes a lot of trust and communication. Those things will take time and patience to rebuild. There is a ton of good information on this site and I would encourage you to read/research then talk to your husband openly and decide what you want as a couple. Then work for it, work hard for it.🙂
Wench -
Hello Lingerieaddict.
Unfortunately we have something in common. When I first discovered my desires for BDSM and a D/s relationship with my husband I started researching on the internet. At first I didn’t quiet understand what it was and what exactly I was longing for. When I mentioned the idea to my husband he also didn’t understand exactly what I was asking for. He thought I was just wanting rough sex and for him to hit me. Of course he was not interest in that. I’m his wife and he cherishes me why would he want to hurt me. He was completely turned off by the idea. Of course this made me angry and discouraged. During my research I joined a very popular BDSM site and was messaged by a local Dom looking for a sub. I explained I was married and just wanting to learn more to try and bring this lifestyle into my marriage. Now at this time my marriage was already on rocky ground. My husband was barely around (work) and when he was we didn’t talk much. I was very lonely at the time. I know this was no excuse for what I did. Of course this supposedly DOM was willing to help educated me. In the months time that we talked I cheated on my husband, emotionally and at the very end physically. He was everything I wanted my husband to be as far as a Dominant and I was sucked in. Now here is where we differ and it is something you need to sit down and find the answers to. When I cheated physically the first thing I did after was to call my husband and confess. My mind had gotten trapped in this fantasy world and after I cheated I snapped out of this fog I was in and said wait “What the F..K are you doing?” I thought my marriage was over. In 13 years of marriage my husband had never yelled at me. He was always the calm rational one. I saw a different side of my husband that day and I never want to see it again. I never will hurt him like that again. In all the years that we have been together and even during the time I was cheating with this other Dom I never once thought of leaving my husband. We went to couples therapy and our therapist explained that whenever I talked to him or when I left that finale morning in my mind I wasn’t a married women. I somehow left that married person at home and my mind made myself into a single person. I know this sounds strange. It’s hard for me to explain. The therapist did a much better job than I am but hopefully you get the idea. So, I think you need to first take a look at your marriage. Forget about the D/sM for now. You need to decide if you are ready to commit to your husband. Are you still in love with your husband? If you have lost that, I can’t live without your love, than you’ll never be able to submit to him completely. If you are still madly in love with your husband and you want to serve him and give him complete respect that yes move forward with D/sM. If you decide to move forward the first thing you need to remember is you cheated on your husband and you are going to have to gain his complete trust again. This takes time. I was just like you when I found subMrs. I wanted everything NOW but it’s not going to work like that. Now everyone is of course different but I found subMrs not quite 2 years ago and I would say within the last 6 months I’ve started to see his Dominance emerge 100%. I didn’t just sit around and wait all that time for him to become my Dom. I worked hard at showing him my submission and my commitment to our marriage and this lifestyle. It has not been easy at all. I’ve cried a lot of tears and have been angry many times but the one thing I kept telling myself the whole time is something LK told me “How Bad Do You Want This”. Continually hearing that and saying it to myself helped me keep moving forward. So where are we today? We are still working at it and we will never stop working at improving our D/sM. No marriage is perfect and no D/sM is perfect so there will always be ups and downs. Everyone wants the fairy tell Dom/Sub relationship that we read in all the books but that is just a fairy tell. It sounds like your husband is trying to give you what you want and become the Dom you need. This may sound harsh but right now you need to stop thinking about what you need and start thinking about how you can be a better submissive to your husband. Don’t focus on what he is doing. Focus on your submission. Give him time. If you show him your complete submission his Dom will develop but it’s going to take time. If you haven’t already read LK’s blogs on how to start then start reading. You need to do a purge and start doing Downtime at least once a week. When you think HE is ready, do your formal acceptance. I’m usually on the chat in the mornings and mid afternoon if you ever want to chat.
xoxo
BellaRose-
BellaRose- thank you for sharing your story-
Huge hug-
Wench -
Thank you Bella – your story shows there is hope, I’m so pleased it worked out for you xx And you’re right, I will work hard on it… I just don’t want to force it, you know? It can just feel all awkward and awful if I try to make it happen… urgh, I don’t know… people say tiny steps at a time – absolutely – but to go full on into submitting isn’t tiny steps so I don’t know what to do. We are concentrating on treating each other well at the minute… it seems to be working, and it makes me feel like offering my submission. I have so much to learn before I feel I can go into it head on though… Need some reading time!!
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Sorry, just feel the need to clarify a few things in my original post.
Firstly, I didn’t physically cheat on my Husband – it was a faceless lingerie Instagram page that got a bit out of hand, I didn’t set up a page to go looking for a Dom or anything, I ended up using the page to secretly explore the D/s lifestyle, it was online experiences with people in completely different countries, that I would never meet – and I definitely went on there with a single person mindset. It was a completely separate part of my life, where I easily and quickly found a few men who talked to me in a way that made me want to do exactly what they asked.
Secondly, my love for my husband was never in doubt, I will always love him, even if this lifestyle doesn’t work out for us he is an amazing husband and father. But, I did lose respect for him, he has started looking after himself more and taking more pride in himself since finding this website, and I love how he is going out and doing things that make him happy. My worry was that he needed help to become a Dom, help I can’t give, and being new to this myself I couldn’t even say what I wanted. In the beginning, before he read anything about it, he was asking me to tell him what I wanted him to do to me – which defeats the point and was a complete turn off for me – I was frustrated.
We’ve had very open honest conversations recently and we are both 100% committed to making it work, we’re both really excited and have put the past behind us. I realise my expectations of progress were unrealistic, so we are concentrating on loving each other and treating each other well – with him taking a more dominant role in the general day to day things to start.
With this post I was looking for reassurance that this website could give him the support to become a confident Dom – in turn giving me the reassurance that it will be alright in time. When it feels right, I do show my submission – it just doesn’t feel natural all the time yet and I was hoping that was a normal feeling at the beginning of the journey, but I guess not.
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Hello again…thank you for the clarification. I would like to share with you the certain things in your post that I picked up on which guided my response and maybe that will help you understand where I was coming from:
I ended up having a few experiences behind my husband’s back
Was not sure, but to me this did sound like the experiences were a personal physicals one…so it is good to know that was not the case.
I wanted to leave but we have a 5 yo son and I know I love my husband and our life together, I had to give him a chance
To me, my initial reaction was of concern for the relationship. I know you said that you love your husband, but you also said you were ready to leave him if he couldn’t be the Dom of your fantasy. I guess I just don’t understand that because leaving my husband was never even a thought when I was working up the courage to ask him…never crossed my mind if he said no. That was concerning to me.
I said how his kisses and affection often come across as neediness rather than a Dom’s admiration of a sub, a turn off which makes me recoil
I can’t think of a more emasculating thing to say to a man…and especially a man that you are asking to become your Dom. If that was hard for me to read, I can’t even imagine how it was to hear. Guiding our husbands into their role should be about building them up, not tearing them down with every little thing they are doing wrong. Yes, I understand that you probably felt that you were being honest…but it’s like that old saying, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” We have a voice in this, absolutely, but being critically negative is not the way to go about it. This is why so many of us practice downtime…it is a ritual and tool to help both Dom and submissive communicate honestly while staying in role, respectful and without consequences. I would urge you to read about downtime and ask your Sir to read about it on husDom as well…I think you will find it very useful as you navigate the honest communication portion of this.
I don’t think I can stay if he can’t step up and that thought turns my stomach
Again, alarming that this is even on the table if you love him.
I feel like he has so much to get right before I’ll happily submit. I don’t want to serve him just because that’s what a sub does, I want to want to serve him – he’s just not the man I can submit to… yet.
This reads to me like it is all about you, you, you and what you need. Where is anything about doing this together? Where is the desire to instead of telling him what you want, showing him what you are willing to do in order to help him become your Dominant? Where is your support? If you are not or can not humble yourself to submit to him because you don’t think he’s getting it “right”, how in the world is he to learn how to be your Dominant? Every sub and Dom are different…and especially when you are married, this is about building it INTO your already existing relationship and bringing out the very best versions of each other FOR each other.
I hope you understand what I am saying. I really am trying to subport you…but honesty here is just as important as with our Sirs. My intention is not to make you feel badly at all, but to share with you my honest opinion based directly from what you shared. I’ve seen so many come and go because they are not willing to work on their submission before their husbands are those perfect Dominants that they’ve read about it books. It breaks my hearts to see them struggle and eventually just give up. There is nothing easy about doing this and it has been MY experience that the hardest parts are when I have to hear constructive criticism, look in the mirror and work on my submission. I can’t tell you enough the same words I heard 4 years ago…How bad do you want this?
Smooches,
V-
Wow. I am aware I’m not dealing with this very well… it is why I have made stupid decisions and why I followed my husband’s advice and signed up here. But I’ve laid everything bare on here – I feel terrible that I feel any of these doubts and frustrations because they are, believe it or not, alarming to me too… But he deserves better than me as it is, if it came to it (which I don’t believe it will because we seem to want the same thing now) I wouldn’t keep him in a marriage where we would both end up resenting each other.
My husband asked me specifically what I liked and disliked so far and I spoke honestly and answered various things, overbearing affection was one of the things I didn’t like and he completely agreed he’d been laying it on thick, he agreed to back off and it has worked, I can go to him for kisses and cuddles now because he doesn’t always beat me to it. The ‘way’ I said it must have been right, I guess he knows me. We have just started to be able to talk openly about this together and it is amazing to be able to do this with him, I guess it is ‘downtime’, but for now it is just us talking about our relationship and how things are going. I can totally understand why this is so important.
I have lots to read up on and learn, I know, and so far I have been very selfish, yes, if I hadn’t been then my husband would have never made to HusDom and I’d have still been trying to deal with what I thought was a dirty little secret.
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I totally understand that! We are hear to listen, help, subport, and guide…I personally want total success for every single member of this community. Like I said earlier, if there is a topic you want to expand on and can’t find, just let me or an ambassador know and we will all be more than willing to point you in the right direction. I hope nothing but the best for you and your Sir and know that with time, patience and following the steps here, that there will be great things in your future dynamic!
Smooches,
V
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please believe me lingerieaddict what you are going through is normal. This is a great site to help both you and your husDOM to open up to each other and go on this incredible journey together. It is absolutely ok that it doesn’t feel natural all the time yet. Every couple walks their own unique path to their D/s-M, but believe me we are all here to help you both on your journey into this amazing world.
If your husband ever needs another to chat with or just listen please have him talk to my Syr, She.is.Mine, hes on most nights later being we live on the west coast.
YOU are not alone!-
Thank you xxx I’m so impatient :/ think we both are and that’s why it feels so awkward at the minute… deep breaths xx
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Lingerieaddict,
First of all, WELCUM to subMrs! We are so happy you found our community. I read your post and the replies. WOW! I would say you received some top notch advice from various perspectives. You will receive that from this site as we are all at different stages of D|s-M and in life. Many of us can see ourselves in your post in one way or another. We have been through the ups and downs and the extreme highs of D|s-M. We have received many bruises and skinned knees. Some from the fun of BDSM and some from simply getting knocked off of the pedestals we tend to put ourselves on. In the beginning phase (usually the first year) you will in fact be guiding your Sir. This is very common. The key is leading as a submissive and not topping from the bottom. There are some blog posts on this!
Know that here you will receive honest feedback based on what you share. Sometimes it will be hard to hear or digest. BUT know that it is truly from the heart of wanting you and your Sir to excel in not only your marriage but also in D|s-M. We are here to sub-port each other and you will find we all struggle from time to time. We also celebrate each other’s successes with immense joy. Just keep an open and positive mind!
Please join us in chat anytime to talk about D|s-M in general. Our daily chat topic is all over the place. We tend to
“squirrel” often going from one topic to the next. Keep your eye on the calendar for chats on specific topics. They are very interesting and helpful to all. I learn something new every chat! I sent you a friend request. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.sub-Hugs!
subMarie-
Thank you, I very much appreciate the advice and intend to read all the blogs. Think I’ll stay off the forums though until I feel a bit stronger emotionally xx
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