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Not sure what to do….
Ok, so here is the situation…. I take being a submissive very seriously. Receiving a collar was a huge deal to me and still is. But, the other day I asked my Sir if I was doing anything that he needed me to work on and his reply was that this Dom/Sub thing is just a lot of work. He then went and played video games and never answered my question. I later asked him if he sees this relationship as just work, if this is something he still wanted. His reply was that he’s playing my game, what more do I want from him and doesn’t understand what he is doing wrong. He then said since im questioning him, isnt this when he is supposed to remove the collar for breaking character?
I tried to explain that saying he’s going to take away the collar was crushing to me. I explained that this is no game to me, I needed this. I need to be a sub, it’s who i am in my heart and completes me a person. He did not understand my feelings and just kept saying that this whole thing is just a role playing situation.
What do I do? I can’t get the words out of my head…. This is so important to me and yet he keeps referring to it as hard work, a game and role playing…. I need advice
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7 Replies
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Hey there!
Thank you for reaching out to the group with this. I do not believe we have chatted before. I can assure you that you are not alone. Getting started can be very bumpy. I have some questions that will help bring us up to your current situation. Are you married or dating? Ages? Do you have children? How long have you been in this dynamic?
Based on what you provided it does not sound like you are on the same page at all. When you started D|s did you share with each other what your expectations were of each other and agree on the desired outcome? I am thinking that a formal acceptance may not have occurred. This goes back to building a solid foundation using the tools. The good news is this is a wonderful opportunity of growth. A reset can help you both get into alignment and traveling down this amazing journey together.
I’ll caution that you both need to be willing to put in some work. If he is not already involved, husDom is a great community of resources to help your Sir.
Please join us in the subMrs Chat. We’d love to get to know you and talk more.
sub-Hugs,
subMarie -
Yes, I am new to here…. I have been worried about getting involved in a group since most seemed to be more of a find a dom situation….
I am married and we have 3 children. We have been in the D/S relationship for over a year. We are both in our early 30’s and in the beginning everything was fine. It’s been breaking apart since March that we have been struggling, which is why i inquired if I was needing to do anything. Honestly, it seems like ever since i’ve lost weight, the problem started. Over the last year ( July 2018 to July 2019 ) Ive lost over 100lbs so that way I would feel like I was sexier for him and something to be proud to have collared. He has not taken a picture of me in years and does not even have a picture of me on his social media accounts to the point that co-workers have actually asked what I look like since there is no pictures but of the kids. I felt like he was disappointed to be seen with me since I became a big girl.
I am wondering if he thought that this relationship was going to be like what you see in the 50 shades of grey series- she was not a submissive but very strong willed and let’s face it, she topped at the end. I need more then just a bedroom d/s relationship… I am just crushed
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You don’t have to worry about this being a “find a dom situation” at all. We take great care in protecting this site. Almost all of us are married or in a long term relationship.
Take time to read LK’s blogs. This one is a great place to start Foundations Read it, print it out for you Sir to read or read it to him. In the long run, you cannot make him be a dominant if he doesn’t want to but I think you are a long way from there. LK has a lot of information here on what steps you can take to really show him what you want. -
Big, BIG hugs… I’m so sorry you’re hurting. But I’m glad you found this community and are reaching out. subMRS and HusDOM are wonderful communities where the focus is on deepening your existing relationship. They provide a safe space for submissives and Dominants to meet, explore, and master skills while respecting the special challenges that come with marriage/long term commitment and children!
I’m going to second the advice to dig into lk’s blog and read as much as you can about setting a strong foundation and building a healthy D/s-M relationship. And I also second the advice to visit the new member chat room and to ask your partner to explore the HusDOM site.
I can say that my own marriage was just about gone before I found subMRS but everyone here and on HusDOM has really given my Sir and I the tools (and honest feedback) to turn things around. I hope you have the same experience, and look forward to getting to know you!
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Welcome to the community. First, let me reassure y that you are not even close to being the only submissive that has had to deal with this situation. These Sirs are asked to do a LOT when we ask them to become our HusDoms. They have ton overcome societal views, their upbringing abut not “hitting” a girl, their own fears, insecurities, embarrassment, lack of knowledge and experience. It will take time. Everyone has given you excellent advice aboutvstarting with the foundational posts. I would only add to just take it slow. Breathe. This is a work in progress for the rest of your lives together. With clear, patient communication about what you both wan this dynamic to look like, you will build something amazing together. It sounds like your Sir may not know what being your HusDom looks like, how to start. Give him information a little bit at a time and allow him to grow into his dominance. We are here with you. 🙂
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Hi Softkitten, I’m so sorry for your situation. I feel your pain because we experienced a lot of changes before settling into the place we are in now also. It was a huge challenge getting things to a place where we would both feel comfortable and fulfilled. I have nothing to offer that is any different from what the other subs have told you. I do send hugs and lots of sub support to you for your journey. Please keep us posted and I for one will be sending good energy to you both.
warmly
elskling -
I will say that the advise that has already been given is spot on…I agree with Pearl; you can’t MAKE him be your Dom, just as much as someone who wants to be a “Dom” can’t make their partner submit to them. It is a circle, where you both feed each other’s roles through team work (work being a key word). I am more curious as to whether you both have an accurate understanding, with each other, of the roles and dynamic you are trying to achieve with your husband.
I only ask that from personal experience of not communicating well with my husband in the beginning. When I first brought this to my Sir, four years ago, I was getting “information” from some other areas that had a totally different view of what D/s is and gave TERRIBLE advise. My Sir was not impressed and so upset that he actually said that if that was what I needed, we needed to get a divorce. I then found submrs and HusDom, dove into the blog posts, engaged on chat and was able to re-define to him what I was asking for. Communication is key. Once I properly communicated what I was asking for, he was on board and we started to build our dynamic together. D/s-M is what we both needed and what we both could incorporate into our marriage.
I am also going to echo subMarie…HusDom would be a GREAT place to learn and engage with other Dominants in order to get a clear, honest idea of what being a married, monogamous Dominant is all about. If he thinks this is all role play, there has been a major break down in communication. You both have to be on the same page for this lifestyle to work.
Honesty, communication, trust, respect, love and intimacy are the foundation that we have all learned here, on submrs (and Sirs on HusDom), and implement in our dynamic…AFTER we’ve cleaned the slate. If even ONE pillar of the foundation is not solid, everything eventually crumbles.
I wish you the best and look forward to meeting you on chat sometime!
Smooches,
Veruca
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