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How to get things started (need help!)
Hi! I’m 30. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10 years. We have a baby of 6 months. I’ve been sexually submissive for as long as I can remember, but for a long time I didn’t know exactly what it was. When I started figuring out we started incorporating some d/s in the bedroom. I LOVED it. Over the years I realized how big a part of me this submission is. I found LK’s site over 3 years ago and registered. I’ve tried talking to my husband a few times in the past 3 years. He was taken aback by the intensity of my emotions and told me he did not identify as a dominant. I couldn’t accurately put into words how I felt, why I want this and what I want exactly (I still can’t). So the conversations died down pretty quickly, leaving me deeply hurt and disappointed. There’s so much in it for him – why didn’t he want to explore this?
Those feelings faded a little and we still incorporate some d/s in the bedroom. He knows that’s what I like best (and what I always want/need to be fulfilled). Our sexlife has always been great. He is a bit older than me and was my first. He helped me explore my sexuality and was always open to trying everything. He has never made me feel like I am weird for having these feelings. He does however feel scared that he will not ever completely be able to fulfill my desires.
When I got pregnant we started having less sex and at some point it just stopped. Last week (our baby is now 6 months) is the first time we had sex again and all the submissive feelings started rushing back in such a really really intense way. After three consecutive days of amazing sex I dropped the I-want-you-to-be-my-dominant-bomb again. I completely ruined it. We ended up having a huge fight. I feel hurt and vulnerable. He feels like no matter what he does, it’s never enough. He doesn’t mind being a little dominant from time to time, but says it is not who he is. It doesn’t come natural.
So now I’m back to square one and I don’t know what to do and where to start. He loves me so much, so why doesn’t he want to do some research or ask me questions to figure out what it is I like/want? I registered him at Husdom three years ago but he has never logged in and also has never read any articles I emailed him. So frustrating. At the same time I don’t even know myself what it is exactly what I want and which elements I like and dislike. But I feel like I need his help to figure it out. How do I go about it? I know the website has some great blogs. I’ve been soaking it all in again for the past week. Reading reading reading. Hoping that my husband will – like some of the husdoms I’ve read about in the forum – will eventually see that exploring this lifestyle is the right fit for us. But it’s an information overload and I feel so lost and confused right now.
Sorry for rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have some pointers for me on where to start and how to go about this with my husband I would really really be so grateful.
x MrsNewbie -
3 Replies
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Hello MrsNewbie,
Thank you for sharing and reaching out to the community…that is what we are here for!The first time I brought this dynamic up to my Sir 3 years ago, he had a very visceral, negative reaction-but that is because I went about it all wrong (mainly because I had gotten bad information from other places) and it was a huge mess. Even though he is naturally dominate, I had painted a very negative mental picture for him. After finding this community, I was directed in the correct way to go about this and he was more positive because I was showing him a more positive example of submission. I was guided to SHOW him with my actions the D|s-M that I wanted instead of telling him and it worked. Maybe that will work for you as well? My actions spoke much louder and clearer to my Sir than anything else.
On a side note that I feel like I need to say…just like a Dom can not MAKE someone submit, a submissive can not MAKE someone “Dom up”. The path of ignoring that the other partner does not want this only causes heartache and frustration (I’ve seen it here time and time again). If he is willing to incorporate things in the bedroom, recognize that it is a start, work on your submission for him sexually and build off of that. Maybe with time, as you work on your responsibility in the dynamic, he may change his mind…or he may not.
Clean your slate, be honest with him, communicate with him (verbally and non-verbally), RESPECT him and his wishes, trust his decisions…build the foundation and hopefully he will see the change in you. I wish you all the luck with this and remember, we are here to help whenever we can.
Introduction to Domination and submission
Foundations
Guiding your husbandSmooches,
Veruca -
Hi, I am lady. I agree with Veruca on showing him. This is the same approach that I took. I had been submissive in the bedroom for most of our relationship. I expressed to mySir that i wanted to start taking the dynamic out of the bedroom. He gave no response except “oh yeah?”. I started to be more submissive daily, being more respectful of his wishes and placing more trust in him. Before i would tend to question him on everything, when i started to change he started to change too. When I found this site the first post I read was about respecting my Dom, and I feel that was the first major stepping stone. I sat down and read and read and read. I now have a sub journal, which my Sir reads and we talk about what i have wrote during our downtime. I wish you the best.
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Thank you Veruca and Lady for taking the time to read my rambling. Thankfully I have calmed down by now 🙂 I started writing to try and get my thoughts in order. I’ve been rereading blogposts, read your suggestions and I finally managed to get a handle on some things. I have tried several times in the past to start acting more submissive, but it seemed like he didn’t notice at all, which resulted in me getting frustrated very quickly. This in turn lead to a fight, while my husband had no clue what was going on. I realise I need to be more patient and try harder. There have been so many posts in the forum about husbands who weren’t too excited at first, but decided to give it a try later on. I’m hoping that will be the case with us too. After we put the baby to bed tonight we scheduled a relaxing night. Having a drink together. I’m hoping to bring up the subject again and letting him read what I’ve written over the past few days about my feelings. No expectations, just making it easier to talk about. And I will definitely try and incorporate more submissive behaviour in our everyday life. Being more respectful, listen more carefully when he speaks (putting my phone away and giving him my full attention), etc. This website is amazing, so I will keep checking in and keep reading/doing research to improve.
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