• He doesn't want me.

    Posted by preciouspet-brontide on at

    Ive been with my husband for 13 years, at the beginning our sex life was great. Obviously things change and life and whatever, but it got to the point where we just werent having sex. I mean months would go by, and it stayed like that and got worse for about 6 years. After several years of begging and prying and finally telling him Id leave if it didnt get fixed, he admitted to me that he wanted a D/s lifestyle. Not just sex, but lifestyle. It was everything I had always wanted. I had even asked for it in the past and I was just happy he came forward and told me what he wanted.

    We’ve been actively working on this for about 2.5 months now. Not long. I have a lot more knowledge of the world and I have been doing my best to let him find his way and become the Dom he wants to be. The first month the sex was great again. We tried a couple scenes, we were connected, in tune. Now its very quickly going back to the way it was.

    He is so very very much into every part of this, except the sex. We have rules, he takes control of situations, he uses toys and restraints on me, he just doesnt fuck me. Even in scenes, if he does, its not for long, and he loses interest very very quickly.

    Im starting to feel like he is taking advantage of me. Not in a good way. I am hurt and lost. I love him and I am trying to very hard to be patient, but he strings me along. I do everything Im supposed to, and he promises me a reward (sex, sex is only a reward) and nothing. He never follows through. Every time we do have sex, it feels like hes doing it out of pure obligation and nothing else.

    I had such high hopes for this. I wanted this. Now I just feel its the way its always been, with a different name on it.

    guinevere-mr-sky replied 5 years, 9 months ago 3 Members · 7 Replies
  • 7 Replies
  • Kaninchen

    Administrator
    at

    Handeling disappointment is a hard thing. I would suggest asking him to get his testosterone checked. Sometimes men develop E.D., erectile dysfunction as they age. Also, there are other health issues, obesity or even medicines he already takes that may effect his sex drive. I would try to have an honest conversation about these subjects. They are nothing to be ashamed of they are real issues for our aging husDOM’s. You can focus on your submission but D|s-M is Dominance and submission for married couples, in other words this is a team sport. You have to both have to learn and grow in your roles. Sometimes, the timing can be off and or sometimes husbands never engage in their roles no more then weekend warrior type thing and not wanting a permanent lifestyle. My other question would be, did you follow the step of getting a Formal Acceptance that we advise here on subMrs.com? I would talk to him in what we call a downtime and get some answers in regards to the health issues. Then ask the hard question if he really wants to go on this journey with you in D|s-M. D|s-M is different then D/s… D|s-m is more about the relationship then the kink. It’s about the intimacy and building the foundations of a solid and deep relationship. Here are some links. I wish you the best in your journey and I hope you achieve all you desire. https://submrs.com/downtime/, https://submrs.com/how-to-ask-for-a-fsog-lifestyle-or-a-dominance-and-submission-relationship/

  • thank you for the response LK!

    I think we have some back tracking to do, which is ok. We sat down and had our first formal downtime last night. I showed him the foundations and the downtime stuff, and asked about him going to doctor. He has been so open and honest about everything but the kink stuff, but we had a hard talk last night and agreed, if we are putting effort in everywhere else, we have to put the same level of effort in there too.

    Hes going to work on facing that part of him, and get checked. Im going to work on my patience and understanding. I know this is a process and we are just at the beginning.

  • guinevere-mr-sky

    Member
    at

    Preciouspet,
    I am older and my husband is in his 60’s. We deal with ED as well. Women have body issues and my experience my husband equates his sexual ability to his very core, so he ran away as well. But I wanted to tell you that patience and showing him your support will help. We also found other ways to satisfy each other as we also have problems with intercourse. for us it gets better than we have a medical issue and back we go a little but overall we are moving forward. sending you all good thoughts and wishes.

    Guin

    • Kaninchen

      Administrator
      at

      Guine,

      We all are getting older and these are real issues. Mr Fox and I both will be posting about getting older yet staying young in D|s-M.

      With our husDOM’s, the use of a little blue pill or a nice real skin dildo that you place conveniently so it can be reached when other things fail, wink wink… it’s about them feeling acceptance and love even when “things” do not work as they once did. The intimacy does not need to go away it just takes a new face and know you will find your way around things and still enjoy every second that you have.

      HUGS! lk

  • I can’t believe I haven’t suggested other things. Seems so logical. I think he’s terrified and feels like crap because we are 30. He’s really taking it very hard. And I’m learning just how much. This is by far the hardest part of everything for both of us. I’m learning to amp up my support.

    Thank you for the great response!

    • Kaninchen

      Administrator
      at

      If not anything else, D|s-M has been the catalyst for him to figure out what’s going on with him and his health. D|s-M always makes you take a look at you not only internally but physically. I wish you both the best!

      lk

  • guinevere-mr-sky

    Member
    at

    Hi,

    LK, you are right intamacy comes in all shades. Precious I wanted to tell you a couple things that worked for us to make My Love feel wanted and supported. First we both went to docs and reviewed meds and got blood work and etc to identify the issue to resolve it as best we could. We both made some changes (like hormone replacement and such). Then I started to make My love feel special with morning Bj’s and massages. That helped a lot he craved the touch as much as I did. But was stuck in the traditional mind set. One other thing for thought, My love isn’t always “in the mood” but being a good Dom he cares about my moods so when I have needs and he not so much. He makes a scenario that makes me pleasure my self while he watches. I was so mortified when it did it at first but I find it incredibly erotic as I know he is doing it all for me. Last we have a toy box that takes up about 4 drawers and the wand on his prostate is as good as when he uses on me. Hope this helps.

    Guin

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