Advise please from my sisters when life gets in the way.

[elsklingprema-norseman]

Hello quietsecret1 and it’s good to meet you. I understand exactly where you are right now. My Sir owns a business and all our lives together it’s been such a distraction. I read many forum posts on this site and several others about how I hoped our D/s would go and put them in a folder for Him to read when He was not distracted and had time to do so. There are many rituals etc that I thought He might enjoy and He did read and little by little He was able to make more time for us and our D/s. I believe there is a very good forum post here on this site by LK about getting what we need without topping. When my Sir is so busy He can’t focus on us I have to be there to help Him deal with it all (I am fortunate because I work for my Sir also). Being silent and doing nothing resulted in a frustrated and very needy submissive. Once my Sir realized this He began focusing more on our D/s.

We also do a Downtime every week no matter what is going on. It has made all the difference for us because I know there is a time when I can have my Sir all to myself and we focus on our D/s and nothing else. At one point I presented the submissive journal idea to Him and He loved it. He got me a locking diary and I am to write in it once every day. He will read it when I least expect it and gets to understand what my submissive mind and heart feels and thinks. This has made a huge difference in our D/s day to day and I no longer feel needy or lonely and like I am not getting what I need.

I hope that’s a help to you.

hugs
elskling

[subMarie-CSM]

Hi quietsecret1! Welcum to subMrs!

As an extroverted empath (yes we exist!) I can relate to some of what you feel and sense. You received some good advice from elskling. Communication is so critical to the foundation of any relationship. There are several blogs posts on this site with some tools on communication. You can use the search function on the site. Starting with even a journal and sharing it with your Sir can open up some great dialog. I don’t think journals should always be the go-to source but it can help break down walls. You have to be willing to be vulnerable in D|s-M. My Sir and I practice Downtime. Being overwhelmed and snapping at each other is old vanilla behaviors that you want to avoid. But let’s face it. We are human. It is so critical to identify when this is happening and take a deep breath. You or your Sir can easily redirect those moments into being productive discussions filled with support, love, and respect.

Here are a few articles that I have found helpful:
Topping from the BottomTopping from the BottomTopping from the Bottom
How do you STOP an argumentHow do you STOP an argumentHow do you STOP an argument (Premium member post)

Please come join us in the New Members Chat. We would love to meet you. This is a great place to talk through some of the issues and challenges you have. We all have them! We also like to celebrate our milestones and successes.

sub-Hugs!
subMarie

[Veruca]

Hello quietsecret1 and welcome to submrs!
I think this is a topic that many of us deal with.

Does anyone have some wisdom on exactly what to say or how to say it that honors and encourages him.

My answer is no…I do not have wisdom on exactly what to say but rather, it’s all in how you say it. I have found that through out the four years we have been D/s-M, it’s not what I am saying, but how I say it. I can pretty much say whatever I need to as long as I remember to stay respectful. When I forget that is when things are not productive. Downtime is such a great ritual/tool for just these types of moments because it helps us both stay in mindset while we are having those conversations. Downtime is also good for just showing each other appreciation, which in my experience, can go a long way too. Just thanking Sir for all he does us, feeds him and builds up his Dom. I have found that sometimes it’s just remembering to thank him for his Dominance and little things like that can really make a difference if I am feeling like I need more of him and more Dominance from him.

The other thing I will say (and it was one of the hardest lessons that LK ever taught me) is that when I work on my submission and focus on responsibilities in our dynamic that also helps.

I hope things work out and can’t wait to meet you on chat soon!

Smooches,
Veruca

[quietsecret1]

Thank you ladies!

[minx-prema]

Hey there! Thanks for sharing and asking for help. I can TOTALLY relate to having a Sir that is under a great deal of pressure at work and with people needing him all day long and not wanting to add to his load. I 100% agree with all the encouragement for communicating with your Sir in downtime. I would like to suggest that one of the best ways you could possibly encourage him in his dominance is to kneel or ask for maintaining whatever rituals you two have in place. When my Sir has been completely stressed and venting, I simply kneeled at his feet and listened to him. It was only afterwards, sometimes the next day that he realized what I had done. He communicated that if he had just realized what I was doing in the moment, his entire attitude would have swifted. This month has been EXTREMELY stressful for him and he is being pulled in every possible direction with imaginable stress and feels like everything is spinning out of control. You know what I said to him? I said that at least he has one place where he knows he is in control….home with me. That meant so so much for him. So maybe, your Sir just needs some simply submission, without much words that will encourage you both.

[quietsecret1]

Thank you for sharing. Your words ring true and its nice to hear from others having similar issues.