BDSM Dynamics  

Dominance & submission Roles

A Top is the dominant partner or role in BDSM dynamics.  A bottom is the follower role or submissive/subservient role within a play session, scene or relationship.  This is the dynamic that is common to in Dominance and submission, D/s or D|s-M, Married Dominance and submission and the type of dynamic we focus on here on subMrs.com and husDOM.com.

*** After doing this for 7 years, I am seeing with-in the new wave of submissives, many Bottoms trying to find their way through D|s-M.

“The Top/The Bottom” Dynamic

“The Top”

“The Top” in a “Top/Bottom dynamic” is the participant that is applying stimulation to the other partner, “The Bottom”. “The Bottom dynamic we speak of is dominant power in the overall dynamic. The power, if taken by the “The Top” over “The Bottom” ends after the play or scene ends. In “The Top/Bottom dynamic”, “The Bottom” participant does not submit outside of the agreed time that both parties are enjoying the physical aspects of play. “The Bottom” is telling “The Top”, you do this to me, using this ect….. This is why I capitalize the “B” in this type of “Bottom”.

“The Bottom”

“The Bottoms” in this type of dynamic is the partner that is receiving stimulation from the other participant. These Bottoms have control over what happens in the scene than other submissive types, example, “The Bottom” has the authority to as what type of play or tools are used with-in the dynamic. They have the power to tell the other what stimulation they want. The key to remember in this dynamic, “The Bottom”, is a partner receiving the stimulation from another, and who may or may not be submissive (They can be and usually are the Dominant in the relationship.) The Bottom” does not have to be a receptive partner, example, a female dominant may command her submissive, male or female to penetrate her.  We do not have the community or focus for this type of dynamics on subMrs.com or husDOM.com.  

A Submissive

Those who take the follower, subordinate and passive position are called submissives or subs (male or female). A submissive is a person that submits, or yields or resigns….to their Dominant. This can involve only in the bedroom play all the way to live-in service, (24-7). A submissive generally submits only to those they are in a Dominance and submissive relationship with.  A submissive has roles and rules and structure to guide their interactions with their Dominant and with others within the dynamics.  They still hold the power, it’s called their “safe-word.” They are in control, they choose to submit to their Dominant.

submissive VS “The Bottom”

The difference between a submissive and a bottom is that the submissive does not give any instructions, they do set or negotiate limits on what the dominant can or can’t do. A bottom is not necessarily a submissive. The bottom may enjoy intense physical and psychological stimulation but not submit to the participant delivering it.  Just like a submissive may not be a bottom. The submissive may enjoy taking orders from a dominant without receiving any physical stimulation or sexual relations. For bottoms who are not a submissive, the bottom is often the partner who is giving instructions. The top usually only tops when, the bottom is requesting it.  You can distinguish top & bottom from dominant & submissive by seeing the top & bottom dynamic as an expression of physical power, while the dominant & submissive dynamic is an expression of psychological power.  In the Dominant & submissive dynamic it will involve complete submission and trust by the submissive.  The dominant party will be the only one to psychologically & or physically tear down and rebuild the submissive.   In D|s-M this is only done with the use of downtime and with the condition it is done safe, sane, CONSENSUALLY.

In a contrast, the top & bottom dynamic is marked by a mutual agreement that whatever has been negotiated and agreed to is the only what is happening, per the bottom.  This is an independent exchange between “The Top” & “The Bottom”.   The Top is there to do what the Bottom is there to let them do.  Where do you fit in this tangled mess? If one stands out more for you, you see the dynamic in perfect clarity, then that may be where you belong, or do you?

***See my new Premium Membership Blog Post, Are you a submissive or a “Bottom”?

Switching Dynamic

A switch is someone who participates in BDSM dynamics & activities sometimes they take the role as a top and other times as a bottom, as in dominance and submission. But this is where it is different than “The Top/bottom” dynamic, they are sometimes the giver and sometimes the receiver in the roles of the dominant or submissive. We do have participants on subMrs and husDOM.com in this dynamic, we ask that the switch that identifies as PRIMARILY the Dominant role, no matter the gender, register on husDOM.com and the submissive role partner register at subMrs.com. Please do NOT register on both sites as both roles. This dynamic however is not our focus on subMrs.com or husDOM.com.

Other Informational Tidbits 

Masochist 

A masochist is someone who likes to receive pain, punishment or humiliation to achieve their pleasure. This person can be a submissive or a “Bottom” as well. The term Masochism comes from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was an Austrian writer in the nineteenth century who described the gratification he got from his own pain and humiliation.

Slave Dynamic and Role Play

A slave is a separate form of submissive. They hold no limits other than what their Masters give them. They can not refuse service to their Dominant or Master. Some consider themselves property of their Masters. Every aspect of the slave’s life may be controlled by the Master. The Master works with-in the preset limits established at the start of the relationship. The slave has no rites and can not change or request and changes. The slave does not get to take advantage of things like sitting in a chair instead of on the floor, choosing your own clothes each day or listening to their favorite music. These things serve as a reward to a slave, only given when the Master feels that the slave deserves it.

*** I must advise every person who leads a slave dynamic… Please still use a safe words.. In the beginning, if you decide to move forward on a dynamic of this type, DO A CONTRACT that lists a term of service. Your contract is a negotiation that is between both individuals entering the contract. Not controlled by the Master only. Make sure your contract has a re-negotiation date… 1 month, 3 months,  6 months and always annually. Any “Master” that tells you not to do any of these things, IS NOT A MASTER! RED FLAG, walk away.   I want to also mention in a married Dominance and submission relationship like D|s-M, we do not think it realistic that this dynamic would ever work within a marriage, not in this time and age.  However, we do believe that slave play exists and is fun to play out in ROLE PLAY ONLY.

D|s-M Warning!

Couples can master the highest level of understanding within their relationship, mentally and physically by using the D|s-M method.  Not many couples can achieve such intimacy in a vanilla relationship. Teamwork is the key to this dynamic.  It takes two working on their roles consistently to attain D|s-M.  One-half can not make the and subport whole, at least not for long.  The D|s-M dynamics will not work for some and that is ok. Some husbands take long time to understand how to become their role and that’s ok, keep trying.  Beware,  this can be the beginning of the fairytale or it can be the beginning of the end.  The dynamic has a way of making you both face things that have been swept aside or hidden in the closet. D|s-M will not work unless you “follow the yellow brick road”,  you purge & wipe the slate clean.  LOVE, TRUST & RESPECT have to truly live  in your house and marriage for D|s-M to work for your marriage.  It will show up very quickly if those three things are not still in tact. Honest communication is paramount in progressing in this lifestyle.  Guide your partner to the place where they can understand their role, chat with other Dominants, help you in making a healthy D|s-M atmosphere. Please ask them to sign up at www.husDOM.com .

Any questions please e-mail me at LK@subMrs.com .

LK

2/15, 5/19

Wiki, pd images

5 Comments
  1. SirsDarling 4 years ago

    “You both can achieve a level of understanding that not many can reach”. So true…so true and worth the effort.

  2. Panda Moderator 4 years ago

    LK – Thank you for this information. It is very helpful to see such detailed description of the various roles within BDSM. It will be very helpful to direct our new submissives to this information.

    Panda

  3. Mr Fox | Founder 4 years ago

    Little Kaninchen,

    This is a great post!

    Missing you…

    Mr Fox

  4. His little fox 4 years ago

    Great post LK! Thanks.

  5. June 4 years ago

    “Teamwork is the key to having it.” Well said, LK. I am deeply grateful for and humbled by my submission each and every day as well as thankful for Mr. Ward, who was brave enough to ask for this. This is a wonderful post and I hope all of our new subbies take the time to read it. It’s also a great refresher for those who have been in awhile but might want or need to rethink where they are within their own dynamic.

    Hugs,
    june
    xoxoxo

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