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Spiraling
I thought I would share a little bit about an issue I have had recently. Sorry in advance on my long-winded gibberish. Hoping that my experiences might help someone else or even help me gain a little more insight. My Sir and I have been D|s-M since July 2018. I brought the dynamic to him. Overall our marriage and our life has improved drastically since then but there are still areas that seem to trip us up. Well, trip me up anyway. For a long time, I had in the back of my mind that my Sir didn’t really want this. He would do anything for me and anything so that I wouldn’t fall back into the very dark place that I was. Like a lot of new subbies, I had the idea in my head of a perfect Dom. But the romance book Dom’s rarely translate to vanilla life. We have a real life, with a lot of real problems. No, I’m not getting kidnapped by some crazy ex-boyfriend or running from the mob, but nonetheless, vanilla life is not a very happy place for us. My Sir has a lot of responsibility and before D|s-M, I was not one of those. I was very independent, did as I wanted, didn’t show any emotions except occasional anger and never asked his opinion or even cared what it was – because I of course, knew everything and was much more competent than him or anyone else for that matter (yep I was that bitch.)
So, anyway I bring this dynamic to him and basically say, everything you did before, everything I did before, everything we did before needs to do a 180. I then expect this to happen immediately because patience has never been a strong suit of mine. He was as you can imagine a little bit confused and I think still at times is cautious about things. He is super lenient with things and while we do have a few rules, he would rather just let me get away with breaking them than do any type of punishment. He is much more flexible than I am. I want rules, I want structure, I want to have very specific guidelines. When that doesn’t happen, I start to spiral. Now, I fully understand that I am the one who brought this dynamic and it would make sense that I never break a rule or do anything less than fully submit, but alas, I am also not a romance book subbie. I feel more vulnerable now than I ever have, I cry (like all the time), I am self-conscious, I feel like I have become a needy mess. At times, I almost take back my submission because being the way I was before was so much easier. But then I remember how unhappy I was, I just kept it all inside. I never talked about my feelings with anyone including my Sir. I never cried about anything but grief, I never shared my thoughts with him because I didn’t trust him to take care of things. I worried, and stressed and then got mad because I had to do everything.
So here I am, this mess of a subbie and I just want the vanilla world to leave us the fuck alone. But, again that’s not my life. The past couple days have been very stressful, we are dealing with financial issues with our business, adult kid issues, tenant issues and just general life. I started getting so stressed and couldn’t get out of it, I could feel it happening. I get this feeling of dread that is hard to explain and my first instinct is to shut down. My Sir was trying to help and I snapped at him. I felt horrible and apologized (also something I never did before D|s-M) He said that was good enough for him and in his mind, it was done. For me, not so much. I had been rude, I yelled at him, broke a specific rule and he did nothing. I just kept spiraling internally and externally I shut down. I spent the next day basically silent. I needed him to Dom me, to fix me, to reset me but I didn’t know how to ask or how to say it without making him feel like he wasn’t doing what he should be doing. So, I said nothing. I cried some, pouted some and went to bed early. Not the best choices. But again, he doesn’t even think there is a problem. He just says I was in a funk and it’s no big deal. I feel selfish because what I want is for him to take all the stressful things away from me, not even tell me about them so I can be blissfully ignorant. I don’t want to do any adulting anymore. I’ve had enough of it.
The other bad choice I made was to not actively seek out support from everyone here. Again, I tend to want to hid when I’m depressed or spiraling. I’m not the best company, and I feel like I’m burdening all you wonderful subbies who are trying to be happy. But what happened was that I ended up not going to a Live Chat that I really wanted to go to and feeling worse. subMrs subbies are my Tribe! The one place where I have people who I can openly talk to about anything, who are there any time day or night to support me. I’ve never had that before and it’s something that takes a little getting used to. Luckily, some of you won’t let me wallow in my own self-pity (you know who you are 😊)
LK sent me a couple links to blogs she had written on spiraling and stress:
https://submrs.com/coming-undone-ds-m-lifestyle/
https://submrs.com/stress-management/
Then I went to subMrs and did a search. Did you know that you can click on the little magnifying glass at the top of the page and type in any word or phrase to see everything on that specific topic? Well I typed in “spiraling” and found 26 discussions about the topic. 6 of them were blog posts. I found the perfect one!
https://submrs.com/spankings/
So, I sent them all to my Sir and asked that he read them so we could talk about them. He read them all and asked if that was what I had been needed. I said “yes, I feel like I need to be reset, that I’m lost and I need him to help me find a way back.”
Later that night, my Sir took me upstairs and did the most amazing Therapeutic Spanking. It was like the whole world was taken off my shoulders with each swat. Every bit of stress disappeared and all I focused on was my submission.
So, this morning I woke up feeling back to my sweet submissive self 😊 I thanked my Sir again for my spanking and he said that was something we would do on a regular basis. I am thankful for all of you who supported me, comforted me and kicked me in the butt to get back to where I need to be.
If you’ve stayed reading this long, I thank you too! I hope that my mistakes might help you not make your own.
HG -
14 Replies
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Hisgirl,
You are not alone. I have been there too. Sometimes it just seems easier to revert back to the old vanilla ways. We all have our not-so-proud moments. One of the things I really try hard to remember is my Sir is not a mind reader. In my head I know exactly what I want him to do or say. If he does not do them, then I start thinking more negatively and go down that rabbit hole of non-sense. We need to remember that the foundations in D|s-M always need to be practiced. Specifically in these situations it is communication. I loved that you sent your Sir the information you needed him to digest. LK’s words are often more eloquent than the gibberish than spills from my mouth.
I absolutely love our community. I adore that we share in our successes but most importantly, you all feed my soul and tell me exactly what I need to hear.
At the end of the day, I reflect back and think about how SUCCESSFUL you handled this situation. Yes, you could have done a few things differently. BUT I want you to relish in the fact that you did correct the situation, you asked for help, you apologized, and most of all, YOU LEARNED! BRAVO!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your personal experience!
sub-Hugs!!!
subMarie -
Wow Hg that is amazing. I am so proud of you. I have gone through something very similar. I too just wanted to hide and not bother others. I have someone that wouldnt let me give up and gave me the best advise to write my Syr a letter exposing my thoughts and feelings about our disconnect. I kneeled at his feet while he read my letter and showed him my submission even though we had been having a hard couple weeks.
You are strong and beautiful. Never doubt your worth. Keep smiling and always let your friends help you when you need it.You are courageous!!
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Marie, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post! I value your subport more than you know. That idea that my Sir is a mind-reader is definitely something I have check myself on. Thank you for your encouragement!
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I.am.his, thank you! Isn’t it great to find people who support our D/s-M? I feel like it is such a rare and special thing. I’m glad you found what worked for you and your Sir!
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HG,
Wow, I loved reading this! Not only did I get to know you just that much better, but it showed all the facets of spiraling.. beginning, middle, end. I am so happy you were able to find all those posts her eon the site and then present what you needed to your Sir! We do reset spankings to, I NEED THEM! Badly sometimes. Congrats on your sub-cess!!(success) Thank you for sharing it all! -
Charmed, thanks for reading and responding! I just love the subport on subMrs! I know I always have a safe place to share my ups and downs.
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Hi Hisgirl,
Wow did this ever speak to me! I thought for awhile it was ME writing this post. When I am in that kind of ‘funk’ I can’t even verbalize what I feel or think never mind what I need to do to get out of it. My Sir in His infinite wisdom is figuring it out and I can’t say in words how grateful I am for that.My trust had to really increase dramatically to allow my Sir to take over during those nasty vanilla meltdowns. I also had to give up all control to Him in order for the therapy only He can give me to work. It was a tough pill to swallow but once I got through the first one and calmed down I was actually able to thank Him for really stepping up and being the Dominant I can love and respect above all things.
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Elskling, Thank you for responding! It sound like you have a wonderful Sir who knows just what you need. I’m sure I will have many more missteps but I know my Sir will be right there to pick me up!
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(((hugs)))
I totally get it. Things sound so simple and commonsensical (“do X, get Y” or “just communicate”) but then the reality is just a complete and total mess of emotions and stress. Part of you knows what you need to do, but a much louder part is scared to do it and then that just doubles down feelings of guilt (because you know what you need to do and you’re not doing it so it’s obviously your fault it’s a mess, right?) And that makes the actual opening up and communicating even harder.
I’m SO GLAD you found blog posts and discussions that you could use to share your feelings and needs in a safe/supportive way. And that you’re coming here and opening up so we can all support you as well. I’ve only known you a little while, but I can see what a strong person you are and how deeply your feelings run. It so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of “in the stories…” or “on social media everyone is happy/beautiful/the laundry is put away…” and forget that we don’t live in those stories or in carefully edited social media photos (swear to gods, NO ONE lives in a house without piles of laundry. No one. Laundry piles just appear. It’s a law of nature.)
I don’t have any amazing insights or anything but I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus that is thanking you for sharing and offering you support. It sounds like you’ve made a huge step forward in your journey. And I hope this coming week brings less stress and more answers for you.
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Lossofalme, Thank you for your response! It is great having everyone’s supprt on here. It is so true about the eaiest sounding things sometimes being the hardest to consistently do. All we can do is dust ourselves off and move on. Hopefully, not tripping on the same stick again. 🙂
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Well, there is not much left to say, that everyone else has not said. I want you to know this place is NOT just for the good times. This place is for the bad times, the ebbs, the vanilla that happens. We all subport one another on here. We will not let you wallow in shit too long. We will help you find your way. This source is here to help you get through the trials that pop up on a submissive’s journey.
I am here, for the good, the bad and YES the f’ing vanilla! Your TRIBE will see you through!
I hope that ass burned afterwards and you enjoyed every second!
HUGS!
Always here, LK
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LK, Thank you so much for building this community. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like without the subport I have found here. You are a rock for so many subbies! And, yes my ass burned and of course, I loved every minute of it 🙂
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Hello HisGirl (and everyone)!
I do not often post…something I need to work on. HisGirl, I also proud of you. You let your Sir know (in a respectful way) what you needed.
My Sir and I having been having a hard time connecting….he is so busy that often I feel that this lifestyle takes a backseat to everything else. But I know we will find our way…
Thank you for the great post!
Blossom
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Blossom,
Thank you for responding! I really appreciate your support and encouragement! Can’t wait to meet you in Vegas!
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