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New to DS in a traditional marriage
Hello. I am very new both here and two entire concept of something other than vanilla. My husband and I are not currently living what y’all call the lifestyle and I’m not sure we ever will, but we started incorporating a lot of the principles into our bedroom time around 8 months ago. I hope that is okay and that I can still ask questions.
My problem is there are very few places in which I can safely ask anything about this because I am in a monogamous traditional religious marriage on one hand but on the other hand I am a very strong-willed opinionated woman and my husband and I are both very independent people. By traditional I mean I never went out with anyone else, started dating him at 18, married at 21, never even kissed another man. Every place I may go for advice usually ends up with people giving me tips for things neither of us are wanting or willing to try per our religious beliefs. We very much like our dynamic in general, but we have changed things up in our bedroom time due to a conversation he started about 6 day months ago, asking me if there was anything I wanted to change. At some point earlier last year, we were in bed and he had placed his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet because our son was sleeping in the next room and he was worried about waking him. It made me realize that something very much was missing in our sex life. Because of that when he approached me about any changes I wanted to make I brought up an interest in trying more BDSM aspects in the bedroom. It’s been a difficult journey for us through that because he is not a dominant and usually asks me what I want to do. He is absolutely open to anything I’m wanting to try borrowing the very few rules that we sat in place when we first had our initial discussion. Being religious and traditional, that includes anyone else coming into our bedroom activities or us doing any outside activities like at of formal dungeon. Unfortunately a lot of people think that’s the best way to learn and so that’s really what a lot of the suggestions end up coming down to.
We have really great communication and dynamic in her everyday interactions and we’ve discussed it and come to the mutual agreement that they strictly traditional DS relationship would be too exhausting for both of us in different aspects. For him, He finds it mentally exhausting to make decisions constantly and prefers to allow me what I want to do. He does not give a flying flip what I wear and has no opinion whatsoever in some of those types of aspects that I hear other women in a ds lifestyle talk about their dominants wanting. I wouldn’t mind if he did have an opinion more often but I’m also happy with making my own choices in these areas as well. But what it really comes down to is I have discovered that I desperately need to shut my brain off for sex to work for me. Because I have OCD and genuinely overthink everything, if I can’t shut my brain off I can’t feel anything. You could create the most romantic evening on the planet but if I can’t shut my brain off I got nothing.
T his is the aspect of the dominant submissive relationship that I crave, because it allows me that ability to shut off everything but my body. Honestly the more I think about it the more I feel like we have a mild dominance submissive lifestyle going on already because I do see him as the head of our household and he does ask me to do certain things and maintain certain aspects of our home and life. It just seems very different than what I read on websites like this and in so many ways because of my Christian faith I feel like the formal ask that I hear everyone talk about is very much exactly what I did on my wedding day it was just an address in front of people. In our faith by agreeing to marry someone you agree submit to them and they agree to care for your needs and wants. So maybe what I’m really asking is how to incorporate a more formal dominance submissive aspect into our sex life. It’s difficult because we work nights and have two is not a because we have to pick him up from the babysitter at midnight. Some nights we end up just being parents and some nights we can just be us but even then there’s always the underlying fear that our son will wake up and that will be that. both worst case scenarios usually end in tears of frustration because of unrealized passion. Working nights is also made it very difficult because I do not have time to transition with a lot of effort. Our son wakes up at 9:00 a.m. usually and we don’t get into bed until 12: 30 am. That means I have to go from being an employee to being a mother being a sexual submissive in a span of 1 hour and I’m finding that it is very difficult to figure out how to get into that headspace given our situation. I have a bit of a broken libido I guess you would say, I don’t know I just have a horrible time letting go of everything else and being prepared with the amount of time we have. We started incorporating some sexting, sexy phone calls during the day while at work, I have a special playlist I listen to on the way back to the office (I’m a courier so I finish my route and drive back to my office for 20 minutes) and some things like that that can help, but then we’ve got to go pick up our son and it can break a lot of that and if I prepare myself like that and my son doesn’t sleep all of a sudden I’m sexually frustrated and grumpy or if I didn’t prepare myself, I can’t get there fast enough to take advantage in the short time we have. It’s very difficult to get anything in during our morning hours as our son is pretty much awake the whole time. We are also actively trying to have a second child men I just went through a miscarriage in January as well which has really just thrown us off. I know there was no formal traditional question in all of that but I guess I’m just looking for any suggestions on a way to make everything smoother in a little easier. We have had issues just getting this far as it is because my husband is genuinely a pleaser when it comes to sex and has very few desires or asks of his own other than finishing. It’s taken us some time and effort to genuinely figure out how to make a ds dynamic work when he doesn’t care to be dominant but he does want to please me beyond all else. I am discovering that the absolute best thing I have done is behave as a sexual submissive, positioning myself without being asked when he comes in the room, wearing certain things that I think at least make me feel more submissive and feminine, things like that. It really has helped him to understand how to take the lead and I have shared some of the things that I have learned from websites like this Which explain what I’m looking for. I think he’s getting genuinely a good handle on what works and what doesn’t and he’s starting to put more thought and effort into our time together and I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how I can help on my end more, especially in preparing myself for him when we are so short on time and sleep. -
9 Replies
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Hi Lyn!
Welcum to subMrs! You have found a safe environment to ask any questions. You will find our community is very diverse. Many couples are just getting started in their journey and many have been on the path for several years. This will give you so many diverse perspectives. Most of us all started out in the bedroom before venturing into a full on D|s-M 24 hours/7 day a week. And I would say the vast majority are strong-willed women. Myself included! Being a submissive wife takes a lot of strength and courage. And we span across many religions and spiritual beliefs. I am just pointing out that we are very similar to you! 🙂
Keep in mind this is a community of monogamous couples. We would NEVER encourage you to invite anyone else into your marriage. EVER. People on the site have had various experiences at dungeons. I can say that my Sir and I have only attended married, monogamous events promoted by MidLifeIntimacy.
From what you have written I can see you have A LOT going on. I invite you to join us in the subMrs chat. It may be easier to tackle one piece at a time as I see a lot of layers in your post. Here is some advice. Take things very slow. Make them your own. Incorporate what works for you and your husband. Regardless if you are D|s-M part of the time full-time or not at all, I highly suggest reading under the section of “Where to Begin” and reading about the foundations. Really understanding and diving deep in these six components will set your marriage up for success. You really need to understand exactly what you are asking your husband for, ask him for it, and get his agreement. This is what we refer to as Formal Acceptance. All of these things you start very slow and just build on them. One piece at a time.
There are a few articles on this site about getting into the mindset for your husband. I love your suggestion of a playlist and texting. Another thing you can do is simply relax. Take a hot bath or shower and let aromas seep into your senses. Meditation (kneeling) can help clear your mind along with some soft music. And there is also the simple act of touching one another. Take some time to hold hands, go for a walk and talk, give each other a body massage. The idea is not to put too much pressure on the act itself but build up the intimacy. Sometimes I just enjoy the intimacy. And intimacy is one of the foundation pieces!
Having a small child adds some complexity but all I can say here is you have to be creative! Even if that means missing sleep. I am sure you have looked into a sitter. You could even find another family and take turns hosting play dates. My Sir and I used to take time off of work so we could have some alone time. I can promise you that as your child (and future child/children) gets older it will get so much easier!
Remember, D|s-M should be fun and bring you closer as a couple. Open, honest communication is key. Again, look at the foundations. 🙂
I hope to see you on subMrs chat so we can dive deeper!!!
sub-Hugs!
subMarie -
Hi Lyn,
Wow that is a lot of info to consider, girl you’ve got a full plate going on there! Perhaps start with a list? When I have so much going on in my head that I am trying to figure out, I write it all down first to get it “out” of my head so I can sort it out, even if in single words… A list like, what exactly would a good day/night(for your schedule) look like to you in a D/s marriage? What kind of things do you want him to do, specifically? What would you like him to ask of you, specifically? Perhaps an additional list of things you’d like to try and things that are hard limits, per your will or religions sake. Also, as a helper to you and him, a list of small things you could both do to make this possible and make the transition from work, to mom to submissive wife easier? Then just have a calm discussion with him and go over the lists together, and get his take on everything. That may give him a better idea of what you’re looking for. As for formal acceptance, since you feel you’ve already done this in your religious sense, I would wait and address any additional formal acceptance on the back burner until after you have had these conversations with your husband. That’s all I’ve got, hope it was helpful, good luck girl!Laters baby!
Charmedkarma -
Hey Lyn,
Just wanted to reach out as we have some things in common. It’s always good to know that you’re not alone. I too am fairly new to the D/s lifestyle. My husband and I are both of Christian faith and I have noticed that BDSM can be easily incorporated into a Christian marriage….”wives submit to your husband in all ways”. Not too long ago my preacher touched on the fact that it is perfectly acceptable to “get freaky in the bedroom”. God has given us to our husband’s as a gift. My preacher said that he has never received a gift he didn’t “unwrap and enjoy”! I too have a young son, as well as a daughter. I too lost a pregnancy in the beginning of the year and had to undergo emergency surgery which took its toll emotionally, physically and spiritually. Allow yourself grace to recover. However after going through my ordeal, I believe God gave my husband and I the gift of BDSM to help us grow closer and help remove us from the funk we had found ourselves in. Lot’s of love and prayers to you. ❤ -
Hi, Lyn. Thank you so much for the trust you showed in sharing your story with us. We are happy to have you here and I think you and your husband will find the encouragement and support you need to help you along in your journey together. I understand your feeling in struggling to reconcile some of the general BDSM concepts with your Christian beliefs. I am a Christian, too, (In fact, there are several on this site that I know of), and though we tend to leave religion out of the chat rooms so people of all beliefs feel welcome, you may feel free to private message me any time if you would like to talk about that aspect of your journey. Please keep in mind as you delve into this that subMrs is VERY different from what you may have heard from general BDSM sites. The goal here is to uplift and deepen the bond of the marriage. My Sir and I have found the tools and concepts shared on subMrs and HusDom to be very helpful in our relationship, and not in any way contrary to our morals and standards as Christians. I , too, agreed to “honor and obey” while he agreed to “cherish and protect” in our wedding vows, but even still..we struggled in our marriage until we find the steps on HOW to do that in these sites. I’ll tell you all about how that almost destroyed our marriage when we have a chance to chat sometime. 🙂 The support and input from this community has been life changing for us.
I also understand your struggle with finding TIME for your sex life. Sir and I have 4 kids, (ages 9-17), and I homeschool all 4 of them, they are active in several different sport and homeschool communities, and we are active in volunteering and participating in our church community. In addition, Sir leaves town often for work. There have been many, many moments of frustration and exasperation in plans being ruined or just not even BEING planned because of our every day lives getting in the way. Chin up, my friend. There are SO many ways to work D/s M into your every day life. Take it slowly….enjoy the ride as you figure out what works and what doesn’t work for you both. I hope to have an opportunity to chat with you and share some of what has worked for Sir and I as we navigate “vanilla” life with our D/s M. Just a few quick suggestions that have worked for us, though:
1) Kneeling. We have several different ways we use kneeling to focus on our roles. One way that may help you transition from “Mommy/work mode” is to kneel in your bedroom at night for just a few minutes as you change your focus to your role as a submissive. You could light a candle, play your “mood” music, and maybe recite some submissive thoughts or prayers. LK has a blog about “passing the torch” that you may find helpful in finding ways to make the transition into submission.
2) Texting/Sexting. Sir will give me assignments throughout the day to send him a certain picture or he will assign me to write a short fantasy story, answer a specific question that he asks, etc. Sometimes I will receive a text out of nowhere..” You have 3 minutes to text me back 3 reasons you are my submissive” or something like that. I text him when I arrive and leave locations, which makes me feel protected and cared for. Even when we are apart, it helps me to know that he is still in control.
3) Journaling. I write EVERYTHING…stories, questions and concerns, frustrations, the things I LOVE that he is doing….everything. It helps me unwind at the end of the day and gives me an outlet to express myself when Sir is not available to talk to me. I use voice text to “journal” while I drive sometimes.
4) Rewards/ Funishments. We do not have time for a lot of “extra” stuff that many D/s M couples add to their roles, so Sir assigns rewards and “funishments” to the completion of every day chores. I am naturally submissive in our marriage, and I would care for our home, tend to the kids, make his meals for work,etc without it being a “rule”, but having him assign rewards and playful spankings to those household chores makes it more fun and feeds our D/s M roles. On a side note, my Sir also could care less what I do or don’t wear, but he knows that it turns me on for him to take control, so every morning before he leaves for work he wakes me up and I kneel for him to start my day in a submissive position…and he tells me what color bra he wants me in for the day while he put whatever day collar he chooses for that day on my neck. I know, in reality, he isn’t very interested in what bra I’m wearing, but he will occasionally ask me to send a picture to prove that I have obeyed him, and that makes it exciting and fun to have that rule set in place.
Wow…this is a long response! Sorry about that. I hope you will continue to ask questions and form some friendships with the subs here. I look forward to chatting with you. 🙂
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I don’t have a lot to add that all these wonderful ladies haven’t already, except that my husband and I are devout Christians with a 2 year old and 4 year old at home, so I can identify with many of your issues. As I said, all the above advice is wonderful, but I wanted to throw in an addition to the transition ideas mentioned above, I have found that the easiest way for me to switch out of mom-mode is to just take a shower. My Sir instructs me to shower before all scenes and most playtime, and I use that time to relax, wash off the day, and focus my mind on him and being his submissive. I step out with the mindset that I am not mom, I am my Sir’s submissive. I found this to be effective because so often a nice long shower was a luxury I just didn’t think I could indulge in, too much to do, someone was going to need me. By taking that time for myself and focusing on my mindset, I found it to be much easier to transition.
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You have received a lot of outstanding advice. The foundations of D|s-M, Honesty, Communication, Trust, Respect, Intimacy and Love are also the foundation for a great marriage. I think all of us here that have instituted these foundations in our marriage would tell you that our marriages are better for it.
I would encourage you to read LKs blogs, especially all of those under the “Where to begin” drop down menu. I would also encourage you to tell your husband about Husdom.com. There he can find information about the Dom side of the slash and other HusDoms to chat with if he wants. -
Hi Lyn,
My husband and I are a few months in to our D/s dynamic and we’ve learned so much from this site already. One comment that really stood out to me in your post is “what it really comes down to is I have discovered that I desperately need to shut my brain off for sex to work for me.” I am the same way. I think men generally have less difficulty with this, as they tend to be more focused on the task at hand. My Sir and I have discussed this and I let him know of ways that he can keep me present or “in the moment” so that my brain doesn’t wander. Talking to me is the best tactic — telling me what to do in great detail, everything from where to put my arms or what he is going to do next, or what he likes to see. Grabbing my hair or spanking my ass are good tactics, too. You probably have others. I wonder if your husband, who sounds like he is a pleaser, would be more willing to be in control in those types of ways if he knows that the reason for it is to keep you out of your head rather than to assert his dominance over you. If I find my mind wandering, I might remind my Sir of what I need by saying “talk to me” or “own me”. He is happy to oblige and I bet your husband would be, too, if he knows that it makes the sex so much better for you.Good luck and hang in there. Those years when the kids are small can be tough on a marriage. But eventually they put themselves to bed, do their own homework, and entertain themselves. I wish my Sir and I had discovered D/s back then. I think it would have kept us closer and kept me more centered.
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Thank you so much ladies. It just helps to know I’m not alone. I am glad to hear there are other people if faith that see this choice as a part of their spiritual life as well. It really helps take the stigma off it both from the more Puritan mindset on the sex side and the modern mindset that sees the lifestyle negatively. I want both in my own way and I deserve both and to know that it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s D/s marriage and that we can stay monogamous and perfectly fulfilled gives me great joy.
I will take these suggestions to my husband and send him some of the articles to start. We have had such a rough week and your words were just the encouragement I needed. Thank you!
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Hello,
We are new too. Together my husband and i have explored D/s in our marriage for a few years. We have a traditional marriage and as his wife submission gives me a sense a peace and calm. Our hope joining this community is to learn more during the first phase of daily life. My husband travels a lot for work and this makes us feel connected when he is gone.i am looking for suggestions to help us:
What do you do daily together/alone?
How do you prep your nipples?
How to you prepare for spanking?
Mirror training is new and i’m having a hard time with this~~anyone else have issues? i’m not loving my body, work in progress 🙂Thank you for any and all help
jewls
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