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His heart isn't in it.
My husband and I have been together for three and a half years. We both came from very sexually unfulfilling previous marriages, and when we met I laid pretty much all of my kink cards on the table right away (and encouraged him to do the same). I was extremely adamant about the fact that a fulfilling sex life was mandatory to me in my relationship and that my partner needed to be extremely GGG.
Our sex from the beginning was pretty great. Day to day he is a very shy, introverted person, but I saw his sexual dominant streak immediately and it gave me faith that he could be the partner that I need. Our libidos differ greatly, and in the first year or so of our relationship we also contended with his very serious porn addiction (I’m not a prude, we are talking like 4-6 hours a day and him consistently choosing porn over sex).
In our second year, he was mostly porn free, our sex frequency was improving, and I was seeing a kink-positive therapist (sometimes we would go together. After nine months of almost weekly sessions with the therapist, the therapist straight out said to me “this man does not deserve you.” Instead of breaking up with my partner, I broke up with the therapist. I do not think that what he said was true, in a general sense– my husband is an AMAZING friend and partner and co-parent to my two children. He is kind and gentle (in daily life) and absolutely loyal to me as any man could ever be. He is a GOOD man. Sexually– my therapist was probably right. 🙁
In therapy I had spent a lot of time working on understanding my submissiveness and learning how much of a role I wanted it to play in my life, and realized that it’s hugely significant. As a service-oriented sub, my happiness comes from making HIM happy, and I feel like he should be SO grateful and honored that I choose to devote myself to him, but instead I feel like he thinks of this as just something he allows me to do for my sake.
We’ve always had pretty kinky sex, and I had been doing very service oriented things (waking up before him and preparing him breakfast, washing him in the shower, trimming his beard and shaving him, basically waiting on him hand and foot.
At the end of last year we started doing marijuana edibles together and it took our kinky sex to a whole new level and in bed he became the Daddy I had always, always, always dreamed of. Literally the first time we were high together everything I had ever needed to hear from him he said (he is not much of a talker)– that he is proud of me, that I am so fucking hot (I never ever hear this), that I am so good to him, that I am such a good girl, that he is so lucky to have me… and since then our non-high sex has been almost as amazing but we have continued to use edibles to enhance our scenes about once a week.
This huge change benefitted our relationship so much that we started talking about a real 24/7 relationship, and again he said all the right things… that he understood what a huge part of me my submission was and that there was nothing wrong with me/it, that he was glad I could share it with him and that he wanted to be the Daddy who would fulfill everything I needed to feel whole. We incorporated small things into our daily life to see how it felt and after a month or so of practice wrote and signed a beautiful contract about three months ago.
But it’s not working, and it makes me feel so unwanted and rejected. I have given myself tonhom completely and he doesn’t fucking want me. I try so, so hard to please him and I am never praised. I try so hard to follow my rules and I am never praised (or very very rarely punished– and sometimes the punishments he does try contradict the rules of the contract). He says he cares and he says he is trying but I do not see it at all.
One of his responsibilities in the contract is to reward my efforts to please him with “good girl”, or code for good girl when the kids are around (two pats on the butt with “thank you”), promises of sexual acts to be given the same day (“thank you for such an amazing dinner, I’m going to fuck you so hard later”), and small gifts (chocolate, etc). I am almost NEVER rewarded. I’ve gotten the occasional “good girl” but the FEW I’ve gotten I’ve had to remind him “how are you supposed to thank me?” The regular “thank you”s that I get are completely bland and emotionless.
Two weeks in a row we have had a big fight over this now. He started a new job recently and is kicking ass there and is super appreciated. He received a huge compliment from his manager and text me to tell me about it. I was super proud of him and wanted to show it, so I bought him a sweet card and some of his favorite snacks and wrote dorky sappy stuff on the packaging. When he came home from work he just said “what’s this?” And barely said thank you and it broke my fucking heart. I fucking tried and it wasn’t good enough.
Yesterday I worked on a day I was supposed to be off, and while grocery shopping on my way home decided to bake cookies to please my Daddy. I got home and realized I was missing an ingredient so I had to gear back to the store. He called when I was leaving the second grocery store saying he was leaving work… which meant I had about 40 minutes. I hurried home, stressed about time and construction traffic, got home and started mixing, and realized I was short on flour! I ran to the next door neighbors, finally got the damned cookies in the oven, and scrambled to clean up so Daddy would not come home to a messy kitchen. I had most of it cleaned up… when he walked in the door (straight into the kitchen) I was so excited about the cookies that for a second I forgot about our ritual of him kissing me on the forehead first thing upon arriving home. He didn’t acknowledge the dozens of freshly baked cookies sitting on top of the oven and said a few things about traffic and work… and then goes “what are those for?” :/ when I said they were for him (which should be obvious as I never bake for anyone else and the kids are out of town right now), he gave me a very bland “thanks” and my heart sank. I went to finish up the dishes and my bottom lip started trembling and he came up behind me and gave me a unenthusiastic “I like when you make me things” and that was it. I left the room and cried and an all-night fight ensued. It was awful. I feel like I can’t do ANYTHING right, I feel like nothing I do is worthy of praise, I feel like if I was better/more attractive/more whatever he would be better to me.
But then sometimes I realize he’s just not naturally inclined to this like I am. And when these things happen he makes NO effort to understand my feelings of hurt and rejection, or to understand how truly powerful his words and actions are to me. I am starting to feel like our contract is detrimental to our marriage, because I am LIVING it and he is not, and I am living with constant disappointment. But I also know that this is how I need to live my life, and how do I reconcile that with loving and wanting and needing this man so, so very much?
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for hanging in there.
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5 Replies
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Hi PrincessBunny
Hugs. It sounds like you need to communicate more. Have you told him how you feel in calm respectful manner? Perhaps in Down Time as Trixie suggested would be good.
Also I want to point out something praise goes both ways. Especially verbal praise at least for My own dynamic. For example I started verbally acknowledging when my Sir does something that is a “Dom Up” move I tell him thank you and why and good job. In turn this encourages Sir to do more and makes him happy. By doing this I have found I get more good girls and a couple of highly wanted and rare good puddings from him that are out of the blue. It’s part of our dynamic that feeds each other and our roles.
This blog post is good on about respect as well and might be good to read over
https://submrs.com/showing-respect-to-your-dominant-domination-and-submission-marriage/This blog post is good for when you are feeling a loss in your D/s dynamic
https://submrs.com/submissive-advice-2/
Again it states about DT or downtimeShowing Respect to Your Dominant | Domination and submission Marriage
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I’m sorry that no one has responded to you on this. I see you posted this in June. I wonder if things have changed and where you are currently. My hope is things improved. I read all of your frustration. If you are still here on subMrs and you get to read my reply, first know that I am not an experienced sub, but I completely understand your frustration. I started trying to lure my Sir into this lifestyle over a year ago. He would tell me he wanted it but didn’t pursue it. It hurt, A Lot. I felt like I had found myself but couldn’t embrace it and live it and I almost gave up on it. It came back around for us a couple of months ago. I took a much different approach and now he’s on board. It is still very slow going, but really that’s a good thing. Slow is better than No. What I feel like I’m reading between your lines is you’re wanting to run while he is wanting to baby step. What you have to decide within yourself is are you going to keep running (and spinning your wheels, hence your cookie experience) or slow down to baby step with him. Hunny, I feel like you’re trying too hard. This experience needs to be enjoyed. Of course, from all the experienced subs here, they would be saying downtime is a must. And they’re right. Instead of you running and running yourself into exhaustion, try a little experiment. Start consistently doing just 1-3 simple gestures everyday and let him get used to those things. Simple is key for men. I could keep going, but this is probably a good stopping point. Slow down Hunny. Keep it simple. Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗 P.S. if you’re still here and on this journey, pm me and I’ll share more of my experience and I would love to hear that you are ok.
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Daddysbbg, I swear I’m going through the very same shit right now… I literally cried reading your reply as I completely understand how you feel (well, felt). I am still there… feeling like I’ve found myself, knowing I need this in my life… but he just won’t take it seriously. He says he wants it and just doesn’t know much about it or where to begin, so I say we can learn together, and point him in the direction of sites like husDom (and not subtly either… I signed him up for the site, sent him direct links of forums that could kinda help get the ball rolling…) but has he read them? nope. never even been on the site himself. He is putting ZERO effort into this and it’s breaking my damn heart. I’m still trying, but kinda stuck. okay, really stuck. please pm me… if you’re okay with sharing I’d love to know what approach you took that finally worked. I know at the moment I don’t feel like giving up, but the thought of one day coming to the realization that it’s hopeless truly scares me. it comforts me to know I’m not the only one who’s had to experience this, until now I felt like nobody else on the site could even help. I’m grateful to feel even a little hopeful again… I can’t get him to understand how badly this hurts and how much it’s affecting me. I feel completely rejected. his words are meaningless until I see at least sombre effort on his part…
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Lilnik, I had a nice long message typed out and something glitched and it disappeared so I’m going to leave my message here where you will hopefully see it. What I did different was I started showing my submission outside the bedroom. I did an Internet search on how to respect your husband and how to be vulnerable with your husband. The respect search brought me to this site where LK has a very good and descriptive blog post on respect. I started putting this in action without really saying anything to him about it. I started getting his attention pretty quick. Another major point is to DROP YOUR EXPECTATIONS. ALL OF THEM. Otherwise, you won’t be allowing him to lead and do it his way. This is very hard to do at first but it does get easier. Men need our patience here big time. If we’re not patient they will feel like they’re not meeting our expectations and get frustrated and give up. I also want to say this from personal experience, my Sir came from two previous relationships of bad women who liked to belittle him. So I was getting a broken down Dom. I’m having to rebuild what they tried to destroy and show him that it’s ok to let his big bad wolf out. So big tip here, look at his past. Where is he coming from. Hope this helps. Love and Hugs
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Dear PrincessBunny,
I feel your pain. I have been with my husband for 30 years, married 21. I came out to him almost 2 years ago as kinky. Just weeks after I discovered it myself. When I first read about submission a light bulb went off in my head. For the first time I understood why all of his efforts to make me feel loved, respected and wanted had the opposite effect. I feel so unwanted to the point of feeling hated.
It is almost 2 years later and we are stumbling our way along. The sex is more fun, but being Dominant is a big change for him. I’m not known for patience and after 30 years of feeling so unwanted, I am angry and upset a lot of the time which makes the transition harder.
I wish I had good advice, all I have is empathy because I am walking down a similar unpleasant road.
Subwise
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