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What’s your #1 reason for wanting submission?
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reading some erotica lately and it made me realize I wanted more out of Sir and I’s current D/s dynamic… like, a level up. I’ve been thinking a lot and realize all of my favorite books have similar themes: heroine taken captive, rape, lots of bondage, and even pet play. I’m starting to admit that these things are main themes I want included in the playtime with my Sir. I also realized that I want more training… like protocols and etiquette. Bigger punishments or consequences to my actions. I think the reason we haven’t incorporated many protocols/etiquette/rules into our dynamic so far is because I always fight back in the beginning. I want to be forced to submit to a new rule at first, which is probably difficult for my Sir to know how to deal with. I’m begging for more but then resist when he tells me the first instruction… So, I need to communicate that with Sir. When we started this dynamic, it began with me kneeling naked and reading a heartfelt letter to him, as submissively as possible. That was a beautiful moment… but it was me willingly kneeling in front of him. Now, I want to be forced to kneel, spanked into submission. I want new rules, protocols, and etiquette but I want to be trained into following them differently… “against my will” you could say. The idea of being instructed to follow a new rule accompanied by a spanking just to “make it stick” or being tied up until I agree to follow it is more appealing than me just obeying it at first. Maybe I’m just struggling to give my submission 100% though, so that’s what I’m reflecting on and trying to determine. I don’t think I would enjoy being a submissive who always obeys though… I like the fun involved in disobeying more…. which is why I feel guilty. I talked to my Sir last night and we both agreed we want to include training into our future and he even said I’ve been “too spoiled lately and need some training”. He said he will research into it more tonight, but I’m also trying to reflect on my #1 reason I want submission. I want to figure out what my main motivation is and have an internal reset, so I can figure out what kind of submission appeals to me (without the brattiness). It’s tricky because I really enjoy the struggle…. I can be a real pain when I’m bratty, I’m sure. I sincerely want to please my Sir, to be his good girl…. but, I also want to go through the struggle to get there. My Sir has told me he thinks he has a sadistic side where he enjoys hearing me scream, but he also has a Daddy Dom side where he’s very caring and treats me like a doll. I think I’m just conflicted and unsure how to tell my Sir what I want. One part of me wants to please him, but the other part wants to push his buttons so I’ll get taught a lesson. What I do know for sure though is that I want to try some new things I’ve been reading in my books… but, I’ll start with communicating to my Sir about training tonight. I can’t wait to see what thoughts he has after his research tonight. Anyone else relate to this or have any advice for me? Has anyone experimented with training? Or, how does a new rule get introduced in your dynamic?
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14 Replies
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It is interesting to me that I’m reading this as I am currently reading ‘The Marketplace’ and the similarities between what you have written and what I have just read are…..uncanny.
Have you read these scenes from your books to your Sir? Have you copied and shared them with him, so he knows what you are reading? What it is that is turning you on? It could help him to create a scene for you to enjoy these types of things/feelings. Creating these types of scenarios in a scene is a way for you to get the situations you are craving. If he is hesitant to “force you against your will” role play is a good place for those feelings to be let out.
In our dynamic we are very protocol based. A new protocol is talked about in Downtime. That is where we work out the logistics of it, the who, what, when, why of it. It is then written out in the Master Manual for reference.
We also have a DD/bg to our dynamic. That is the playful side of things. Where I can be sassy and Sir enjoys it. Funishment for cheeky behavior happens.
I think you can have it all you just need to know what you want and explain it to your Sir. If he can understand what you are craving the two of you could work out how to fit it in. Whether it’s in more structured days or tasks or play and scenes. I do think you are on the right track taking time to really think about what you want. What it is that draws you. Knowing that is half the battle. Then bringing it to your Sir so he understands what you are asking/wanting. Finding a way to put it into action is the fun part.
Just my 2 cents. I wish you all the best in your journey
🤗J’s bunny
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Oh my yes yes yes!!! Ok so me and my sir have been 24/7 D/s for almost a year now consistently. We have struggled a lot and still do but on such different levels now. It took a lot of time and conversation and research even before that to come up with what our lives now accept. So briefly I can say we use obedience app to work on what my sir wants me to do can even be housework etc and communicate our dynamic there and I can turn in rewards for new toys, spankings etc sky is the limit to what you set up between you. Now simply put- we have iPhones so I keep a sub journal in the note section that I have given him permissions to and that has been super to discuss and remind and such about protocols, rituals etc. when I struggled with it all and was almost embarrassed about talking to him directly about my wants and desires he set up an app called cover me and we love that to death! Why? Cause when you snap pics to each other or discuss thi a it doesn’t go to main phone functions! It’s protected and you can even set it up to disappear after reading if you so desire. For months my sir asked questions and me of him until it was second nature to just speak directly. We still use it a lot only bdsm and our dynamic is allowed in there and that is how we communicate in a kinky way to express ourselves. This site and husdom has soooo much to offer and read holy cow an amazing resource. Your dynamic is going to be unique so you two will set up protocols and rituals based on your desires. I was considered in training until a couple months ago. I don’t think it really ever stops though! But now sir dictates and tweaks where he sees fit and fine tunes. My sir presented me with infinity jewelry on a date night which I immediately fell in love with! I had to comply and do all that he asked and at the end of the night if he felt satisfied then I got to keep the items as sort of day collar items which I did it was a total mind fuck and hot as hell!
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Hi sub katie. I think what you two are doing sounds spot on. Communication is key and downtime is the place to go over protocols and things you are needing in your dynamic. Take it nice and slow. I think your Sir is handling it the right way as well, doing a bit of research. For us, I will bring a need or want to Erebus and let him decide how he handles it. He always blows my mind when he does it his way. I am excited for you and can’t wait to hear more about your journey.
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Thank you Js bunny and nyshelteredwife! I’m so glad you both understood what I wrote and gave me great advice. Js bunny: I’m definitely going to put The Marketplace on my wishlist for books as I haven’t read it yet! Your right, reading the scenes in my books to my Sir would be a great idea. We don’t plan our scenes together necessarily, so that would be a great place to start… I’ll bring that up to Sir tonight. I like how your Sir has a Master Manual, as well. Thank you for encouraging me to keep searching my desires- your right, knowing is half the battle! nyshelteredwife: the obedience app sounds like a good idea and I’m sure that would help my Sir, as well! He’s very techy so I’m sure he’d appreciate it. I also like the idea of using an app to express yourselves! That’s the thing is sometimes I feel like I just explode with horniness whenever I have to “hold it in” for too long lol, so we probably do need some sort of secondary communication tool to use.
Here are the things I’m thinking of telling my Sir tonight:
- Highlighting and reading some scenes from my books. Tell him what parts I like and why.
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Mentioning the app to help us keep track of punishments/rewards or brainstorm punishments/rewards to start with
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Ask him his idea of training and be open to it
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Reflect on what type of submissive I want to be and express that clearly to him (I’m going to journal about this first)
Okay, I feel more clarity now. Thank you both! (:
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You are very welcome 🤗 I’m so excited for you and this amazing journey!
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Thanks subrianne for your reply! That’s good advice to take it slow… I tend to always go way too fast. 😅 I’m going to try my hardest to let Sir take the lead of whatever type of training he feels is needed. I just need to clearly communicate with him and then step back to give his Dom room to act. Thank you for your encouragement (:
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Hi sub katie!
Great question! You are NOT alone in these feelings. We have all gone through these feelings. Submission though happens through submitting. There’s a time to play and a time to submit.
Your Sir has all your answers to these questions, your questions. Every subMrs goes through wanting the brat and wanting to force his hand at punishments.
If you want these things, I warn every sub against pushing your Sir and putting a bad flavor in his mouth for the dynamic. The dynamic, especially when new is delicate for our Sirs. Most Sirs are taught to never strike a women. So, if he is ever forced into doing something of the sort, in anger, even a playful anger…. he could turn from it and never return. You do not want to damage your marriage ever….
https://submrs.com/bratty-submissive-behavior-beware-married-ds-relationships/
https://submrs.com/punishment-or-funishment-married-dominance-and-submission/
Now, you definitely can sit in downtime and tell your Sir your cravings and like J’s Bunny said, read those scenes that really turn you on in the book, to your Sir. Create scenes and role play them… Train in them! Make sure to communicate your specific longings to him! It will be more fun if he is in on those desires and when you let him in on yours… that inner sado… he will share him … !!!! Let him know what you’re thinking and create your dynamic!
I can’t wait to hear where he takes you next after his research! Best of subMrs Wishes!
HUGS!
LK
Bratty Submissive Behavior Beware | Married D/s Relationships
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The answer to “why I want to submit” is a question I’m not sure I have answer to! It is definitely not my usual nature or personality. The simple answer is – it speaks to me and taps into a part of my self that has been mostly hidden, mostly to myself. But, as I’m coming to realize, true submission is difficult! Otherwise, it’s pretend. I have to reset my mind every time I start wishing for this or that. Case in point, last night was tough. My Sir gave me instructions and set up the expectation that more was to follow. The night got late and he opted to wait until morning. Not my preference! But, I have to say while the morning wasn’t the 4 course meal I’d hoped for, it FAR exceeded my expectations and was one of the best yet. The act of submission out of the bedroom has had a profoundly positive affect on our relationship. I also see my Sir becoming more confident in everyday life (noticeable mostly to me). That in itself is very reinforcing and helps make the decision to do it again. I remain grateful for this community to share this journey. We definitely have a new lease on life and within our marriage.
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Thanks LK and littlesass… littlesass: I totally relate to that. Sometimes my Sir will tell me he’s planning to do something but then he delays it… your right though, it’s best to accept that and hope it far exceeds expectations in the future. Thanks for sharing, yes true submission is really difficult! LK: the bratty submissive article hit me right to the core…. it’s spot on unfortunately. I think I react and lash out more than I communicate my wants. Last night was a weird exchange where I actually asked for a punishment because I had done something wrong which my Sir had forgotten about. It was weird because even though it hurt and was a punishment, I still thanked him afterwards because to me, it represented that he cared enough to follow through. He didn’t really know how to respond to me thanking him for a punishment, but I was sure to clarify that it wasn’t enjoyable per se but I’m glad it happened. I also was distraught last night because Sir never ended up researching about training last night. He told me he was going to talk to other Doms about it on HusDOM and even asked me to remind him to, but then by the end of the night he told me he didn’t. I don’t know why he didn’t follow through but I definitely feel angry about it…. all he did last night was play video games and that aggravates me the most… so, the best thing to do is call downtime tonight. He told me the idea of training was something he wanted, so I don’t know why he didn’t follow through.
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My #1 reason to submit, honestly, has changed with time. I am, what some would call, a “natural submissive”, meaning, I guess, that submitting cums very easily for me in life. It makes me feel good. I love to serve, help people, and make people happy. My sister calls me “the peacemaker”, sometimes not meaning it in a very good way. I never really knew that I was a submissive, though, until I started a journey (on my own) to become a Biblical submissive wife. I realized that I had been submitting all my life in some way or another, yet I was not submitting to my husband in some major ways. I was taking away his dominance in some areas of our marriage that I didn’t even realize. So, initially, my #1 reason to submit was out of duty, to try to be the wife I’m meant to be. However, since I found subMrs and this community, my reason has changed… sort of.
When I found LKs post about the power exchange circle and what we each need…crave…as a DOM/sub, a husband/wife, it clicked! So, I worked up the nerve to ask my husband to do this WITH me, instead of me trying to do it all and hope for his input at some time, even tho he had no idea I was submitting. Since starting D|s-M, I have realized that I do TTWD, I submit, because I truly enjoy it!
My #1 reason now is to please my Sir, in whatever way he needs from me at any time, which in turn makes me joyful, although perhaps not always happy. As littlesas put it, true submission is difficult. You have to submit to be submissive, and face it, sometimes we just don’t feel it! Some of the things my Sir needs from me are not always pleasant, but when I serve his needs, obey his commands, really accept his dominance, and please his desires as his submissive, he is happy with me, so I am a happy subbie!!
And it’s not all sexual for us. For most, TTWD starts in the bedroom, but for me it was the opposite. The bedroom submission has been a harder thing for me because it has always been the place where I COULD be in control but still submit to my Sir’s basic need for sex. I was always in control of my own pleasure and using my Sir to meet those needs. So learning to give up that control to him TOTALLY has been, and at times continues to be, a challenge. And I am learning that when I trust him to be the Dom, to relinquish control to him to meet my needs, things just turn out better. Sooo much better!!
We have both learned so much about ourselves, and each other, since starting TTWD, and we continue to learn and grow daily. I understand some of your struggles, but TBH, I’ve never understood the need for brattiness as I don’t think I would even know HOW to be a brat. (I’m a people pleaser, remember.)
I guess my question to you would be, WHY do you feel the need for brattiness? Why do you feel that you NEED to force his hand? What do YOU get from it and what need is being fulfilled for YOU when you lash out, as you put it?
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Wow- reading all the responses- I can honestly say I have nothing to add- Downtime and communication are absolutely the key- and it needs to stay respectful and not sassy even when it doesn’t go the way you hoped. Sometimes you have to take a breath and even say- that didn’t go like I had hoped- then explain again.
Each couple will find the things that work for them- it takes time and patience- (I am personally not blessed with patience)
You are in the right place and on the right track-
Keep going 🙂
💋
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Hi SB, thanks so much for the thoughtful reply and it definitely has me thinking… I don’t know why I feel such a need to be bratty other than to “test”. I do enjoy being submissive and my reason for it is because I truly feel like I belong as a submissive, it relates to me, and I see my Sir’s natural Dominance too. I think my brattiness centers around me not believing that he’ll follow through on things he promises or fear that our dynamic will remain stagnant. I crave his Dominance but sometimes it doesn’t come out until I do something to lash out. So, I am bratty in attempt to fulfill my needs, especially the things I fantasize about. I think I’m just starting to realize that I crave another, rougher, side to his Dominance. And so far, I’ve been seeing it come out when I misbehave. However, it’s not fulfilling when I go about it in a bratty way…. if I can instead be playfully “bad” then it’s good for both Sir and I. He enjoys when I’m playful I just need to be careful not to cross the line. I think that’s why I want training of some sort so I can practice being playful but still know exactly what rules I need to follow, or what things I can do to stay respectful. I do also think communication is the biggest thing I need to work on so that my feelings don’t build up and “explode”.
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Hi wench, thanks for the reply. (: Your right, I need to trust that in time we’ll figure it out. And yes, being ok with things not always going the way I’d hoped. Thanks for the encouragement!
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I had to think about this question for a few days. For me, the reason I desire to submit to my husband lies somewhere deep in my subconscious. Although I consider myself a very strong-willed and tenacious person, as far back as I can remember – even as a young child – I used fantasize and have dreams about being trapped, captured, or kidnapped and forced to do things against my will (nothing sexual at that age). When playing with other kids I always wanted to be the “damsel in distress”, captured and tied up, needing to be rescued. I loved the feeling of giving up control. (Read: NOT having that control taken from me against my will.)
Shortly after we were married I randomly picked up the first book in Terry Goodkind’s “Sword of Truth” series in a bookstore having no idea what I was getting into. That was my first introduction to BDSM and I was shocked by how much I was drawn to it (my parents raised me in the bubble of all-girls parochial school). Like a moth to a flame I made quick work of the entire series. Next, my Husband took us through John Norman’s 30+ book “Gor” series. As we read through those books, He also introduced me to FetLife online. During this time we had endless discussions about how much we identified with the roles of Master & Submissive, and tried to figure out how we could incorporate that lifestyle into our marriage. And though we’ve had ebbs and flows with the lifestyle, the desire for it has been a constant.
Long story short, I choose to submit to Him because it fulfills me – which in turn fulfills Him and satisfies His need to dominate and protect. But most importantly, I offer Him my submission because I love Him deeply, trust Him completely, and feel He is worthy of it. ~Kay
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