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Why am I so afraid?
Hi all. I’m fairly new to a dom/sub context that is outside of just the bedroom. My partner and I are both very interested in deepening our sub/dom relationship and while he has more experience with it than I, there is still a lot for us to learn. We aren’t married but we are engaged and currently living in different countries.
He does so much for me. We travel together a lot and he pays for almost everything. He bought my ticket to a Tantra festival and brought us to Disneyland on our last trip. He worships me in ways I’ve never been treated before. He is an incredible giver, and I want to give back.
Why am I so afraid? I have all these fears and voices in my head saying this is bad for becoming someone who kneels and obeys someone. Yet I want it so much. I’m afraid and I don’t have any other friends in the BDSM community to talk to. I would love some support or advice.
<3
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4 Replies
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Hi Makailakitten,
Welcome! First off, this community that you’ve found here is full of advice and support. I’d go so far as to say that this can be the “friends in the BDSM community” that you refer to.
As far as your fears of obeying are concerned, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You say he treats you well, you seem to be happy and wanting a D/s relationship, you are engaged, and that you want to give back. Obviously I don’t know the specific details of your relationship but I don’t see anything wrong or bad about any of that.
I suspect you may be influenced by other descriptions or possibly even other websites about what a D/s relationship is “supposed” to look like. My advice is to ignore the “hardcore fantasy” stuff you might have seen elsewhere and focus on building a D/s marriage with your fiancé that satisfies and fulfills you, not what anyone else thinks it should be. The community here and the advice you’ll find here is geared toward submissive partners in a loving, caring, functional marriage. I’ll speak for myself and tell you that nothing we do is bad or wrong. We are in a committed, monogamous, happy, and healthy marriage that has lasted 20 years and counting. The last 10 or so have been D/s. I kneel and obey just like you say but within a healthy relationship such as this, I feel like it shows respect and submissiveness, not forced obedience or anything I’d consider bad or unhealthy.
I hope this helps give you a different perspective and helps soothe your fears.
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Hello and Welcome! I have to say that I agree with PK completely. The only thing that I would add is that it is perfectly natural to fear the unknown. When I was new to this, it was overwhelming at times…looking at other sites where it was more about the fantasy and what goes on during scenes and kink (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the kink) was intimidating. Here we subport each other and learn how to sustain a happy, healthy D/s dynamic in our marriages. Let me give you some links to help you start out and that will hopefully ease your mind a bit.
Let me know if you need more…there is plenty where those came from! lol
You can also search the blogs yourself using the search bar to the right of your screen using key words.Smooches,
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Thanks so much for the support V and PK! I am feeling better already.
I think my main fears are around losing my personal power and not getting my needs met. I tend to put others needs before mine and I don’t want to do that in an unhealthy way. I was in an abusive manipulative relationship before that changed who I was and I think I have some emotional bruising from that.
My fears aren’t so much around the physical kink part, its actually quite the opposite! And thank you for the links. I have been doing a lot of reading up!
I’m excited to take some steps forward…
<3
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You are very welcome. You may find that a functional D/s, like those that we discuss and practice here, is not abusive or manipulative. I believe all of us that participate here started with a loving, committed marriage and built a D/s dynamic on top of that. In that respect, underneath it all is a strong marriage or relationship that (should) prevent an abusive or manipulative aspect. I understand your hesitation though and, for what it is worth, I would say that given your previous experience you are right to be cautious. You should absolutely ensure your relationship is strong and honest with good intentions before you surrender your “power” as you put it. Also, I feel pretty strongly that even as a submissive, we never give up the power to prevent ourselves from being abused. Physical or emotional.
I’m not an expert but I’ll bet there are some others here that have a similar experience. Keep an eye on the daily chat for an active time. I think you’ll find some great support and encouragement there as well.
Best wishes!
PK
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