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Do You Show your D/s-M to the Vanilla World? Why? Why Not?
A great discussion brought up in LK’s Weekly Topic Chat Room… By SweetOne.. Let’s discuss shall we?
SweetOne:
Even though the bare bones of D/s-M is biblical, how do you as a couple keep it up in the vanilla world without having others look at you like you are freaks? I would never tell the outside world about our bedroom activities but to even have a bystander or family member hear me ask my husband for permission to do anything creates an awkward situation because today’s society says it is unacceptable. Saying “who cares” isn’t logistical thinking.Pd Image
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11 Replies
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Mr Fox and I let very few vanilla friends or family into our “secret”, many notice that something is better or different about us. When your dynamics change with your husband, they change everything and your dynamics with everyone. I lost a great friend, lifelong one because my husband and I began to really get along and it was changing our relationship. Sad to say we separated ways. Life cycles and you go through changes… So I would be careful who you share this with. My friends that know, kinda know about TTWD … they know we do kinky FSOG stuff, they are satisfied with that and ask no more… So be careful, there are lots of rituals you can do with your Sir others/vanilla’s do not see that can be quite fun… https://submrs.com/domination-and-submission-rituals-rules/
https://submrs.com/ds-married-couples/What are all of your thoughts??
LK
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I understand what SweetOne is saying, it would be nice to say, “who cares this is us” however that’s not practical in our situation. But I think that is what makes it so sexy, it’s a special bond that only the two of us truly understand. None of our vanilla friends are aware of our dynamic, and we only have a couple of kinky friends.
As for people hearing our conversations or exchange, I use his given name in public, but we live in the south, my saying ‘Yes Sir’, simply sounds polite and no one gives it a second thought. We do have the reputation among our vanilla friends of being crazy in love, even before we started D/s. But I don’t think we will ever let the cat out of the bag, it is too fun having our naughty little secret. It is arousing to know that a look or gesture that seems purely innocent to most, is completely laden with significance. -
We have developed a way for me to “ask” to be excused from a room or situation while in public. I lay my hand on him and simply announce where it is I am going. But for anything beyond that, I have to judge the situation and pick my words carefully so he doesn’t appear domineering and I don’t appear as the abused or beaten down wife. We know we are anything but that but others can be very judgmental. For now we just text each other anything the small signals won’t cover. Gotta love today’s technology. Lol
I do like hearing how others handle the public vanilla life. It lets me know we are not alone and there are a lot of very helpful suggestions. -
I wear my day collar in public (including to church, work, and family gatherings) but I don’t discuss the details of our D/s-M sex life any more than I did our vanilla sex life.
Sir has a tendency to put his hand on the back of my neck or the small of my back in a possessive manner, and he orders for me in restaurants, but none of that is really a dead giveaway to anything kinky. I always show Sir respect but we don’t follow “high protocols” in public. We are new to this lifestyle, so FOR NOW going out of our way to demonstrate our D/s-M to others would feel forced. No pun intended. 😉
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Sir and Iare not super social so thus far it hasnt been a problem. With his mother who usually i catch up with for lunch every few weeks i say it should be ok but i need to check with “husbands real name” to make sure i will have petrol-Sir knows this is me asking permission. Anyone who knows me well knows i hate doing petrol, Sir does it majority of the time. For me i think it also helps we did have somewhat a D/s relationship due to our personalities, so me checking in with Sir prior to doing things, spending money, etc i always checked in with him.
I only call him Sir at home, the kids here sometimes which is new but they are young enough to not question it. Sir and i have the story daddy is such a bossy boots so sometimes i call him sir. Its just a joke for mum and dad. He has always controlled finances, amongst many things so our kids also know i always speak to him prior to saying yes to something. For me it was just a respect thing. Sir and i have come to realise i submitted alot to him prior to FA. I just classified it as treating my husband respectfully and didnt realise we were building solid foundations of D/s without realising! -
I’m glad I found this post.
This is actually very interesting to me because I have been submissive (to an extent) for most of our relationship (without even realizing it).
When I asked Sir to take over all the financial stuff (many years ago) I instinctively began asking to make certain purchases. I would ask permission to go out with friends to get a drink and would be given a midnight curfew (my nickname became Cinderella).
I’ve had friends berate me for “letting some man control me”. It wasn’t easy to explain that he’s not taking anything from me. That I am offering myself to him because I love, respect, and trust him. These so called friends are no longer in my life.
I don’t make a habit of sharing anything about our “bedroom lives” but I don’t care who knows about the more vanilla side of our lifestyle. If I would like to do something or leave his side while in public, I ask “Do you mind…” or “Is it okay if…” This is what he is comfortable with. This is just how I have always been in our relationship.
We are still brand new to the D/s-M lifestyle, but it seems we already have a foundation. -
I would say that at first, we were more cautious because in the beginning we were still trying to figure out who we were as a D/s-M couple. Once we established our rules and protocol, practiced them and got comfortable with them, everything just sort of meshed together regardless of who we were around and where we were. My Sir and I do have a “who cares” attitude, but I understand that is not realistic for everyone and we may be more of an exception than the “norm”. Some eyebrows may raise or questions may be asked from time to time, but we put a lot of effort in downtime on how to address those instances. I guess we see it as, this is just who we are now and it was exhausting for me to constantly move in and out of mindset…so we decided to just maintain as best we can at all times. Now this doesn’t mean that we don’t assess different situations and what may or may not be appropriate behavior in particular situations, but that only means that some protocol may be softened a bit during those situations.
Smooches,
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Glad I found this post.
The way my Sir and I feel is that what happens in our bedroom is no one’s business.
In our daily lives, though, people do see my submission. I discuss all major decisions with Sir, and I let people know that I have to ask him first.
I’m in charge of buying groceries, but any purchased outside of that I ask permission. My brother in law offers me a job and I tell him I have ask Sir about it. Someone wants to off one of my kids a job and I tell them I have to ask Sir what he thinks first.
Do people look at me like I’m crazy? All the time. And when they wonder if I’m allowed to make decisions for myself, I just tell them that I love and respect my husband and his opinions and advice. I trust his wisdom and ability to led me and our children. I’m not a whipped dog, I am a submissive wife who knows how to take care of her husband and children.
For Sir, this adventure might be all about the bedroom, but for me… it’s just who I am. -
People have always commented on the relationship between Sir and I, and have regularly made comments like “get a room you two”, and “they seem like two kids in love” (20-25+ yrs later), so the difference between their relationship and ours was already quite apparent to them. If they were to know now that we are engaged in the D/s-M lifestyle, they’d likely assume that we always have been, and think “Well, NO wonder!”.
I personally do not care who knows about our lifestyle and I’d be quite open about it, with Sir’s permission. I will seek his permission before I do that though. I am not sure how he feels right now about being open about it to ‘the world’. I’ll ask. <3 🙂 -
This topic has come up more lately for us. We have moved more and more towards 24/7 over time and while we have noticed that we keep it very low protocol while around others Sir as expressed a wish for more structure. I don’t think we show that much now, and I don’t think Sir wants us to either.
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