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Would love some advice
So we’ve been doing D/s for about a year and it has been so great overall. Sir is a really good Man. The last couple of weeks things have been going downhill for him, he hasn’t really commuted about it up until las weekend, I’ve been very sub-portive going above and beyond to help sir in his funk on his terms. It culminated this weekend because I felt our connection going away, I’ve cried a couple of times and he finally opened up and told me that he misses his mom who died 1,5 years ago and it’s the second Christmas without her. I completely understand and I listened and gave him comfort when he expressed it. We talked about it in downtime where I was kneeling at his feet, he told me he knew he had been failing as a Dom in not communicating properly and that he also knew he needed To Dom up because he knows that his state of mind as a Dom helps him not spiral into grief, those were his word not mine. For the next week or so things just got worse and I tried so hard to be there for him, I feel so selfish because I just want my sir back, I have really tried so hard and the last time we had sexy time I just couldn’t be there mentally. I did all that sir asked me, but I couldn’t and sir felt it straight away and stopped it. Then I felt even more selfish and cried again.we have talked a lot in downtime about our dynamics, come Saturday I was completely out of mindset and by then I was totally bitchy I couldn’t stop myself 😲😣
I’m completely closed of, I don’t feel anything only annoyance and bitchyness.
We have talked about this and he has tried to get back to being himself, halfhearted which I completely understand because he’s sad, I know this in my brain, my heart on the other side is hurting a lot that he could let us down this much.which I again feel awful about thinking, so how do I go about this? I wanna get back in mindset and be his loving and supportive sub. But my heart says that I don’t even want him to touch me, I have been writing in my journal a lot but sir is not himself atm and I’m scared that he won’t be for a long time.
We have had ups and downs before,and I feel it’s very hard and gets harder every time we go vanilla and need to get back to basics. Sorry for rambling. - 3 Replies
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I’m so sorry you are going through this right now and for your Sir as well. The holidays can be really tough for someone that has lost a loved one.
I totally understand your inner bitch coming out to play. Mined does that as well. As hard as it may be, you need to get her under control yourself right now. When Wolf is off his game my inner bitch loves to come out to play, but that is the worst possible time. Do this for both of you. Kneeling and meditating may help you get things back under control, but your Sir can’t help you right now so you need to do this for him.
Now, a few things to consider about your Sir. I don’t know anything about either of you so these questions are just in general. Is your sir in good health or could there be other things going on such as depression and/or low testosterone?
Taking care of your Sir is being submissive to him. Do what he needs you to do, pamper him when possible. Remind him through your actions that D/s-m is a good thing for both of you.
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Well said, Pearl!
Don’t view going back to basics as a negative thing. In times of trial that is exactly what needs to happen. When A is not in top form I find myself becoming very irritated and bitchy as well. I try to remind myself that as his sub and partner I need to support him. When he is struggling I need to dig deeper into my submission and not challenge him. Just as we need our partners to give us grace, we need to extend grace unto them. Let your submission, not his Dominance, become your focus as he works through this. It may look a little different than when you are both riding a high D/s wave, but it is still submission and service and it is an important piece of the dynamic.
I’m so sorry to hear he is (understandably!) struggling with the loss of his mother. While A’s mother did not pass recently (12 years), it is still a sore spot that is difficult for him at times. I understand how you’re feeling and it’s not easy. Bring yourself closer to him and give him the space and understanding that he is unable to Dom in the same way right now. He will come back, I promise.
We are here for you.
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Thank you so much for your advices, I will tell my inner bitch to calm down and write some more in my journal. I have also been kneeling at his feet for about 15 min for two nights. I know you’re both right my bitch needs to not think about herself right now, instead of feeling sorry for herself. I have been there for sir and I do feel I need to talk to him in downtime tonight and give him my respect and tell him I know he’s trying to be a good sir and that I have been insensitive on Saturday, thank you for helping me realize that.
Although I am really sub-portive of Sir I apparently lost my senses for a moment there and I definitely know that grief dosent get any less as my grandpa dies 11 years ago at Christmas time and I’m still so very sad… okay light bulb I’m sad myself and I didn’t realize just until now that this was why I needed him more and he couldn’t because of his of grief 🤔
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