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When your Sir has serious sexual hangups…
Hi friends. I have been here for a couple months now (I think?) but am not married to Sir. D/s been an undertone in our relationship, particularly physically, since the beginning, but nothing formalized yet. We also have not had intercourse yet, but lots of sexy play and talk with bondage, pain play, etc at the center. Both of us were in long marriages previous to beginning dating each other and I have been treading carefully with how to introduce the idea of D/s more formally.
Last weekend we had a couple of events that led to conversations where he revealed to me that he has an extreme amount of shame and guilt surrounding sex. Wow! This does explain some situations where he has withheld or seemed to go hot/cold, and I thought it was part of him messing with my head, but I think maybe, it was his head being messed with. I feel terrible that my pushing for this dynamic may have led to his discomfort (but at the same time, I know I have been very mindful about not pushing too hard, and he’s not angry at me, just frustrated with himself and uncertain what to do next.)
He isn’t 100% sure where the shame and guilt is coming from. It seems some of it is him worrying after rough play, wondering if he went too hard. I have assured him nothing he’s ever done has harmed me physically or emotionally and that’s what a safe word is for. But it seems to go deeper than that. He has shared that in his first marriage he felt a lot of shame around sex in general – somehow tied to having a sexual need, and it’s something he’s been exploring in therapy for a long time, but hasn’t solved. I don’t know what to do with this! I have been pretty sexually uninhibited my whole adult life and while I can be very patient and compassionate, I don’t know what to DO, if there is actually anything I can do. And I can sympathize, but I can’t empathize, as I have never felt much (any?) shame surrounding sex.
We are both Christian but his background/upbringing was very different from mine; I believe mine (while definitely far from perfect) was more accepting and empowering in many ways, while he came out of his childhood feeling degraded and disempowered by both his parents and his church.
I am willing to be patient, caring, loving, and most of all, submissive to his needs, if that’s what he wants or needs from me, BUT, I have told him, it will be very difficult for me to feel I cannot be sexually free and uninhibited or if I start feeling like the shame/guilt is trickling down to me. He has said that I am “free to be me” and that nothing he feels has anything to do with what I’m doing, or NOT doing, it’s all in HIS head. I love him, and things have been moving in a great direction and, I believe, toward a lifetime commitment. But, this has thrown me for a bit of a loop. We are both in our 40s; is it possible to work past and through this stuff at this age?
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4 Replies
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Unfortunately his story is not uncommon on multiple levels. BW and I both were brought up as Southern Baptist and generally speaking their teaching about sex has lead to a lot of shame. I spent a lot of years loving sex and feeling shameful about it all at the same time. Thankfully, Sir really did not get the same teaching I did and didn’t feel shame too much until we started exploring BDSM. I think new Doms often feel some amount of shame because society tells them to never hurt/strike a woman. And here they are doing all of that and getting sexually excited about it! What your Sir is feeling is not out of the norm for a lot of men whether brought up in an religious environment or not.
What did we do about it? The first thing Sir and I did was really start to explore what the bible had to say about sex. Together we did a bible study on the book of Song of Solomon. It is one of the few places where sex is the central theme. I would recommend that the two of you do something like this together. However, I would caution you to look carefully for a study. There are a lot of people out there that have written “studies” to build up there own slanted view of what the bible has to say about sex. There are a lot of bad ones out there. If you want some recommendations I will get a list together.
I do have a question for you. What is the background of the counselor that your Sir is seeing?
I hope this helps a bit.
Keep Moving,
Pearl
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This was great feedback, Pearl, and thanks for sharing the study privately!
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Hi Gazelle,
I think you both have to understand what D|s-M is… what it’s all about. BDSM is something that can be shared between a loving couple as a real life dynamic.
If you can, I would say go to therapy with him. We all have to make peace with what’s in our hearts in regard to this dynamic and religion. Have you even mentioned D|s-M to him yet? Our 1st podcast maybe something to introduce him to the dynamic. D|s-M is all about healthy relationship practices along with the use of BDSM rituals and play FOR MARRIED MONOGAMOUS COUPLES… He probably has worries like many husDOMs do in the beginning. HusDOM can help him with any of the issues of his worry regarding hurting you ect…
Our last podcast was how to ask for the dynamic, maybe listen to it and it may help you as well. Overall therapy helps when there is a dysfunction that keeps you from moving forward in your life. I would say, you know him best, intro what you can. Let him see that D|s-M is a loving and fun relationship. Take it slow as you can and relax into it…. I wish you the best!
LK
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My Sir is the same way, we are in our 60’s. He had a lifetime of lessons in female rights from domineering mother, teaching in schools and not spanking our kids. It is hard to undo that thinking. I have the same frustration you have. He is trying and I keep telling him how important it is for me so hopefully he will keep trying. Good luck with your journey.
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