Waiting for sir

[ivoryimp]

I’ve just joined myself. I feel the sad echo of my last few years in your story. I have no idea what is holding your man back, but it sounds like communication may be needed?

I tried for 6 years to re-ignite the passion my husband and I had before our son was born. I tried to work towards bdsm. He put off my suggestions, and our intimacy deteriorated until I decided to suggest a separation. I was surprised that he felt blindsided. In hindsight, he realized that he had been modeling our relationship on the way he saw his British parents behave, like not talking to me about things he worried about, so as not to worry me. He also had a really negative idea of what bdsm was, and was afraid to find out that I was some kind of pain slut with tons of sick kinky experience he didn’t know about?!? He thought that ignoring it was best!

I’m only saying this as an example… there could be so many reasons why. The hardest thing can be getting a man to open up enough, to be honest with himself, let alone with you! Since I don’t know the situation, I can’t say much else. (Just to be clear, I am NOT saying to threaten to leave him, that is NOT my point!)

Hopefully he cums around! lol!

[scrambled]

No, I know what you mean. And it is true that not having our submissive need met, puts our marriages in jeopardy. I feel so lucky, because he is showing many sign of wanting to dominate me. He likes me calling him sir, and now he asks me to … I started giving him regular blowjobs after work and it’s really helped with his stress. He knows about husdom, but he works long hours and doesn’t have time for much homework. So, last night when he got home late and just went straight to bed, I brought in a basket filled with supplies to care for my exhausted sir. I sat by his feet and said, “please let me care for you, sir. It doesn’t have to be sex, I just want to serve you.” Then I showed him the lotions and oils, nail clippers and files, floss, edible lube, and even some body wash and a towel”. He really liked it. He had me undress him and give him a hard massage. Then, he wanted a long slow blowjob and yes, then he fucked me. It was very good sex. How’s that for progress?! Do you think I should get down on my knees and formally ask him to train me? I have a new fishnet body stocking that I know he’ll love. But maybe that would be rushing it??

[sereia]

Scrambled,

I think you’re trying to run when you need to be walking. What’s holding your Sir back? You’re both new to this. I read that you mentioned your Sir works long hours and doesn’t have much time for homework. He still needs to be making time to perfect his “craft” if you get what I’m saying. My Sir works long hours sometimes we just talk about things I’ve read and sometimes he reads things on his own. You both have to make time to learn and grow in D/s.

Just like in a regular relationship there are going to be times when your Sir doesn’t want to have sex or anything sexually. Some Doms use this as a form of punishment (my Sir does not per an agreement we made) and sometimes they just really aren’t in the mood. You need to know which one it is. If you did something wrong and he’s punishing you then it’s good you feel bad because it means his punishment is working. If he’s just not in the mood you shouldn’t feel bad. Sometimes my Sir is so exhausted from work that he doesn’t want to have sex – even a blowjob – he just wants to come home eat and go to bed. I can’t feel bad about that.

I think what you guys need is consistency. In the beginning we also struggled with consistency. Looking at your relationship through the D/s lens when you’ve already had a normal relationship can be very difficult and it’s hard to switch over. Be patient and help him grow. If you’re serious it will come you just have to be patient and put in the work (you both do). I think your gesture of taking care of him was great. I personally do things like this for my Sir and he loves it and he does it for me.

Sereia

[scrambled]

Thank you, Sereia. I feel uncertain how to encourage him to read more and prepare. I don’t want him to think I’m … What is it called? Bottom, topping him?

[klb]

Scrambled
First, I am so sorry it took me a few days to get back with you. I was on vacation with my family. Second, what Sereia said is correct. Thank you Sereia for answering her and giving great advice!

Ok……Scrambled, we need to start with some basics so I can better help you. How long have you been D/s-m? Have you formally asked your Sir to be your Dom? Have you read about the foundations on here? Have you read the blog posts from the beginning on here? Have you been to one of my New sub Intro chats? These all are great ways to start out and ensure you are on the correct path to a fully functioning and pleasant dynamic. I encourage you to please type in the words “Foundation” in the search bar if you haven’t read about it yet. Also “Downtime” and “KLB”. I have an intro post I did that has great links in it to help you start out.

It sounds like from what I can gather so far, that what you both need is some serious Downtime and to talk about the foundation of D/s-M. The Foundations: Honesty, Communication, Trust and Respect are all things that go BOTH ways! So as much as he may not want to do homework or put a lot of time into this it is also important to point out to Him that this relationship is a two way street and you need Him to go on the journey WITH you. I am not saying He has to do hours and hours of research or spend weeks on HusDOM in order to start this journey. No. but what I am saying is that He needs to understand you both are learning and growing together. so if He doesn’t want to communicate with you, then the dynamic is not built on a sturdy foundation. If He doesn’t have much time, to research or read, that is ok! Help be his guide. Read and research for Him and then discuss it in Downtime! Start with one subject, such as “what is Downtime” and express to Him that you would like to schedule an appointment to discuss what you have learned and can share with Him. This is not Topping from the Bottom. No. This is GUIDING! Big Difference. Guiding is in the beginning when you are both learning. Working together to create harmony and understanding. He is just as new as you are and so He needs you to help Him. Explain in Downtime about the Phases of D/s-M (Please look up Phases in the search bar as soon as you have a minute! This one is a great post). Ask to help Him so you both can grow together.

And exactly like Sereia said…..if this was meant to be a punishment then it needs to be explained so you can fully understand and learn from it. It is his job to show you what was done wrong and explain how to do it right. You are not a mind reader and it is unfair to ask you to be. Just as it is unfair to ask Him to read your mind. Being His sub means being His top priority. You are on your knees so that He may put you on a pedestal. It is a two way street meant to work for both sides. You may give up final decision on things but you still need to give your honest opinions to Him so He can make great final decisions for the both of you. He is the captain and you are his co captain. You both work together to steer the boat in the direction that is best for you both. So ask Him to communicate to you more clearly. If something is done that upsets Him, ask Him to communicate that to you so you may learn and grow with Him. If He is truly tired, ask that He communicates that and then TRUST that He is being HONEST with you. The foundation works all together and is vital that they all work with each other: Communicate Honestly with Trust and Respect for each other.
As for Him training you…….unless He knows How to be a Dom and has done this for a long time, then how can He train you? He is learning as you are learning. He needs you to learn with Him just as you need Him to learn with you. This relationship that you both are entering into is not one that automatically comes to you without understanding or growing or moving together slowly. Just like a marriage……On day one of a marriage you wouldn’t expect your husband to know all the ins and outs of you and your relationship like he will on your 50th anniversary. That takes time and commitment to each other. This relationship is like a marriage. except it comes with defined roles that help you each to not step on each others toes. It is a dance that you both agree to dance to and as the music goes on, the more in sync you both become. But please do not expect it to happen overnight. Go slow, build slow and grow together

Finally, while hot kinky and BDSM sex are all amazing….they are even more amazing when you have a working foundation behind it. Like I say in my live chats “the foundation is like baking a cake. And once you have a hot steamy cake out of the oven, then smear the icing all over it. Pour some sugar on it”. So if you both do want this all the time (and if you do not and only want it in the bedroom that is perfectly fine!) then work on the foundations and downtime to create the trust and respect that makes the bedroom even hotter!

Hope this helps!!!
~KLB

[scrambled]

It helps so much! I’m going to read the foundations now! Can we still have sex in this beginning stage or should we be abstaining?

[sereia]

Scrambled you can have sex in the beginning but D/s-M is so much more than kinky sex (or sex period). You can have kinky sex without being D/s and technically you can be D/s without having kinky sex. You just have to focus on the whole picture. I know in one of our messages I sent you the link with the Foundations blog post and it’s so important you read it.

[scrambled]

Alright

[klb]

Exactly like sereia said. Have sex! Of course. Enjoy it. This is your relationship so have fun. Show him the fun. Just know that what we are trying to help you learn is deeper than just sex alone. But by all means, enjoy each other, play together.

[scrambled]

I’ve been going over the foundations and sharing it with him during downtime. We are extremely close and know everything about one another, but it’s still good to check in because some of our feelings about experiences have changed. He’s wanted to me to dress for him, but that only leads to sexy sone of the time … And I’m working on not taking it personally. It’s hard not to feel rejected when you’re wearing a bid stocking, y’know?

[sereia]

Scrambled,

I am so happy to hear that ya’ll are so close. The foundations are something you’re continually working on because well that’s life, but they need to be strong in the beginning because this is all very new. You should know whether or not your Sir finds you attractive. Just because you don’t have sex every day or even every time you think you should be does not mean he has rejected you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t find you attractive. D/s is about letting go and trusting that your Sir knows best. I would love to have sexy time every time I dressed up for my Sir but that’s not reality because things happen but I ALWAYS know it doesn’t mean my Sir has rejected me. I know he finds me sexy and attractive.

If this is something you’re struggling with – not truly knowing your Sir finds you sexy/attractive – then ya’ll need to be working on this. I know KLB asked some questions you did not answer and they’re actually really important when it comes to helping you properly in the beginning because we often give advise based on where you are and what have done in your relationship and personally. We would really appreciate it if you took the time to answer them.

Have you formally asked your Sir to be your Dom?
How long have you been D/s-M?
Have you read the blog posts from the beginning on here?

Always,
Sereia

[scrambled]

I’m sorry, I do plan to answer your questions … When I get a chance, it’s been really crazy around here this weekend and I can’t get a break. But I want you to know that I am not ignoring them!

[klb]

Scrambled, the feelings of rejection when you dress for Him is a great example of what you need to discuss in downtime. Don’t expect Him to read your mind on this. He may just like the visual of seeing you taking care of yourself. But, it is very important you discuss this with Him. It’s easy for us subbies to get in our own heads and forget that our Sirs are here to help us become the best versions of ourselves that we can. So go to Him. Explain how you feel and ask Him to communicate how He feels when you dress up. Ask Him to explain when He chooses not to engage in sex everytime to please tell you why, so you don’t spiral in your own head. Ask Him to take care of you mentally so you can become stronger for Him. Lean on each other……
And yes, when you get time you can either answer on here or send me a private message with the answers to the questions that were asked. No rush, totally get that life gets busy but it will help me to help you in more detail….xoxo