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Trying to come to terms
My Sir and I are very new to this and I an having a problem wrapping my head around 1 aspect. I am to be punished for not behaving in a pleasing manner, but what happens when he does not? I try to discuss issues, but he is acting like it is an attack,even when I make sure to keep my emotions in check and speak in a submissive manner,even though we are not 24/7. I am having trouble seeing how he can punish me, but I can do nothing but please him. Any help or ideas are greatly appreciated.
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I am a newer sub also. It’s a lot to take in all at once and the emotions can be a roller coaster! Something that helped me a lot was a journal. Sir set me up with an online journal that he has access to and reads daily. I journal daily or when I have something I need to write to get out of my system. He has given me permission to write openly in the journal (no punishment for what I write). It really does help me process things and this way He can also see where my head is at.
Hope that helps. I’m sure some more experienced subs will be along to help….everyone here is wonderful. Hang in there!!! -
Thanks. I have a journal also, and it dies help. Hopefully this is just part of the learning curve!
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So can I ask you….. have you openly asked him for this dynamic? Did he agree to it? If he did, then you may want to remind him that this is a 2 way street and takes you both to make it work.
Punishment should not be the number one thing to happen in this dynamic. Punishment (especially any sort of physical punishment) should only come after the foundation has been set and you both are comfortable (he knows his strength and you trust in him as your Dom fully). I fully believe (personally) in more of a rewards system at the beginning. When you have pleased Him, he pleases you with a reward of sorts (chocolate, flowers, massage, you get to pick the movie, a “good girl”).
In this dynamic, you punishing Him (sub punishing Dom) does not work. That’s because there has to be one leader. But, as a leader, his true purpose should be to want to help lead you and help you both grow together. Punishment, if too harsh or too often will only pull you both apart. Call downtime and ask how it is that you are not pleasing him. What you can do to please him. What you can do to help remind him of his role as your leader. Ask “Sir, I am trying to please you in all aspects, but feel i am failing by your reaction. Can you tell me how I can improve? Can we take punishment out while we are learning and work together to create a dynamic in which we want each other to thrive as Dom and sub? How can I better follow and you better lead to get us there? I want us to walk together. We should both rely on the other to make this relationship work, and I want you to lean on me when you need my help”
I hope this helps!
KLB
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We haven’t started punishment yet – almost 5 months in – definitely more of a pleasing/reward system for us right now. In fact my husband was real hesitant to even set up rules (because in his thinking, once there is a rule there must be a punishment if it is broken…)
I know we’ll get there in time, not that I’m in a big hurry mind you. I rather like the place where I please him and he rewards me (and then I reward him, and then he rewards me … LOL)
<3
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Thank you everyone, we are still trying to lay the groundwork. I will speak with him about the punishment aspect. We are still learning together :). Maybe we should hold off on any punishment aspect. Some of his rules have been fuzzy and changing, so working on concrete rules will help I think.
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