submissive Forum Discussions

Find answers, ask questions, and connect with our
community around the world.

Tagged: 

  • The mental struggle with anal play

    Posted by Deleted User on at 4:35 am

    Hi everyone!

    So some of you would have known by now how much I struggle with anal play. I just want to start off by saying that I really appreciate the support that I’ve received from chatting on the warren about this. You guys are awesome!

    Sir and I don’t use lube at the moment and I don’t see us using lube in the near future (personal preference/paranoia). The anal play that Sir is hoping to achieve is 4 fingers in my rectum with only arousal fluid (the fluid that accumulates in the vagina when you get aroused) as the lubricant. I’ve found that the only way I can ‘enjoy’ (no pain) anal play with 3 fingers in my rectum is if I get into a headspace where I go super deep into submission. When I try to relax normally there is a lot of pain even with the arousal fluid as the lube. I really need to totally and utterly submit and open myself up to Sir if I want to be able to achieve a painless insertion of 3 fingers anally. This is what I’m struggling with mentally.

    When I get into the headspace to totally opening up myself in submission to Sir I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff and I could fall over any moment. It’s really scary. I don’t normally go that deep into a submissive mindset (but I’m forced to in a sense when we do anal play in order to avoid the pain). When I do go this deep though I find that I can orgasm a lot easier and more frequently anally.

    Does anyone else have the same/similar experience?

    Lots of love from Down Under,
    Annika

    honeybadger replied 7 years, 7 months ago 7 Members · 12 Replies
  • 12 Replies
  • collette

    Member
    at 1:50 pm

    I can’t say I’ve had your exact experience per se, but I definitely struggled with anal play for a lot of reasons. If it was too much we just didn’t do it and long before D/s I had pretty much taken it completely off the table. It wasn’t my Sir’s favorite position but it was still something he liked to do when I would let him (ie. after a few drinks).

    To make a long story short, I went from hating anal to loving it. The difference? Being willing to be submissive (the mindset change really did help me, which is kind of what you describe as well) and lube. Lube, lube, lube, lube, lube.

    May I ask why the personal preference for no lube? Honestly, for me it made such a huge difference. I’m still not one hundred percent comfortable with other forms of anal play (fingers, etc.) so we just stick with anal sex for now until those boundaries become less hard. Sir does enjoy using fingers sometimes but I have such a mental block on that myself… Anyway – the pain of anal sex went away when I was properly prepared. The use of lube made penetration easier and once it was in, there wasn’t the painful friction with thrusting that there had been (no burning, irritating pain). It was only after that point did I see how absolutely wonderful anal could be. I can orgasm repeatedly from it and Sir likes the primal submissive response anal sex begets.

    Quick question. You state “painless insertion”. Does this imply that after the insertion has taken place that the pain dissipates?
    I ask because for me penetration does come with some pain – but once everything is in place and has been still and resting for several seconds, slow thrusting can begin with no pain whatsoever – and then the pace can pick up. It’s just the initial insertion that can be somewhat painful. And the pain in relation to penetration does lessen greatly the more relaxed I am. Some tricks to achieve that are to bring you to orgasm before penetration (or time it so each happens at the same time – which, for me seriously makes the orgasm 10x’s more strong).

    When I took more issue with anal sex, it was much more painful. When I became willing to try and opened myself up it became easier. Now that I’m perfectly comfortable with anal sex it is no longer painful (accept for slight pain at initial penetration, as stated above). We’ve gotten to the point that lube isn’t always necessary and we can, in a pinch, use the vaginal fluid as you describe. But it did take using lube to get to this point.

    In my experience the pain/pleasure experience with anal is greatly dependent on your state of mind and it can evolve/change over time. However I have read of some women who say it always remained painful. Although I think it is fair to point out that in the written accounts I read online most of these particular stories showed that their experiences of anal sex was last minute, sans lube with someone who “wanted to try it” – not someone who knew what he was doing. I tend to that think that if I could learn to enjoy it then almost any woman can… But there could be physiological issues that prevent some women from ever being able to do anal comfortably. (Chronic hemorrhoids, for example.)

    Regarding what you mention about the type of subspace achieved through anal – that has been my experience as well. But instead of fearing it I really enjoy it. But I’m a slight thrill seeker so I love that feeling of almost falling off the edge, etc.

    • Deleted User

      Deleted User
      at 4:53 pm

      Hi Collette,

      I had trouble figuring out the reply function in the forum so I had written a combined response to you and to HLF only to find out that I published the response as a reply to HLF and not as a general post in this part of the forum. Does that make sense? Anyways, check out the response I wrote as a reply to HLF because it was addressed to the both of you.

      Forgive my IT noob-ness (if that’s even a word… lol)

      Love,
      Annika

      • collette

        Member
        at 9:29 pm

        You’re not the only n00b here. I don’t know where to begin to find the post you’ve mentioned! LOL I replied to the one you posted below, though. 🙂

  • his-little-fox

    Member
    at 3:06 pm

    I have struggled with anal too. There are different aspects I struggle with. I am not fond of analingus and have always had to be having, or just had, a huge orgasm to do anal. We would usually have a drink or two to loosen me up and then I was able to let go enough to have the big O, at that point it really is not painful and I usually have some huge orgasms while penetrated.
    Since really beginning our D/s and starting from a more solid foundation through LK and Mr. Fox we are starting over and starting slower with butt plugs and increasing in size in order to loosen my anus and be able to more easily take him. I agree that lube is key. I have a friend who has a difficult time with using lube and her doctor told her to use Crisco shortening. I have never used it and am not sure…but she seems to think it is the bomb.
    We just use lube and we are not having anal sex until I have graduated the large butt plug because my Sir does not want to hurt me in that way anymore.
    That is my story. I am hopeful we will get to the point when I can easily accept his penetration with some lube and be relaxed enough to really enjoy it.
    Due to my head over heels submission now, full 24/7, I normally find it the butt plug very enjoyable and even stimulating. We use it in play as well. I am progressing quickly and fully enjoying the experiences.

    • Deleted User

      Deleted User
      at 4:50 pm

      Hi Collette and HLF,

      Thanks for sharing your experiences! I really appreciate it 🙂

      So to answer your question Collette, my experience of anal ‘sex’ (as in 3 fingers) has been completely painless up to the point of the arousal fluid dissipating inside my rectum so that there’s nothing else left to provide lubrication. So the insertion and the thrusting were completely pain free. This only happens when I teeter on the edge of subspace (like going very deep into a submissive mindset).

      Sir is using anal as practice for helping me to go deeper in submission (in my head) as we both can tell whether I really surrendered in submission totally based on whether anal was painful for me during the session. Sir of course stops the session altogether if the insertion is painful and we try again later on in the day. I enjoy the exercise but as someone who loves security I have to admit that the feeling of teetering on the edge of a cliff is still scary for me.

      I thought I should also add that my experience with anal penetration with 3 fingers has taken place with minimal foreplay (just enough for Sir to get the amount of arousal fluid he thinks he needs to lubricate).

      So onto the question about why Sir and I have a preference for no lube that is not naturally derived from my body. The reason is that I’ve learnt over the past 3 years in Uni that the rectum is where substances can be most readily absorbed. To be honest, I’m no expert or even close to being an expert of exactly what gets absorbed really well rectally but Sir and I are very paranoid about this. Our reasoning is that if it’s not necessary (if it’s just a want), there is no sense in taking a risk of substances from the lube being absorbed rectally. I am aware (thanks to the lovely ladies on the warren) that there are organic lubes. However, because of the paranoia that Sir and I have about absorbing stuff rectally, we prefer not to use these as well because (to me at least) it’s not about whether what you’re absorbing is synthetic or organic, it’s about how what you absorb affects your body. And to be honest, I have no idea how stuff from organic/synthetic lubes would affect my body (eg. hormone balance) so Sir and I don’t see using lube as worth the risk as anal is merely a want for us and not a need.

      I just want to take this train of thought one step further to say that because Sir and I are paranoid about each other’s health, we wouldn’t go into actual anal sex where the penis is inserted into the rectum. This is because I’ve learnt that there are a whole host bacteria (albeit commensal/non-harmful/beneficial ones) that colonise the rectum. Now these bacteria are beneficial in the rectum but I’m not sure that they would be beneficial if they get transferred to the penis and vice versa. Certain bacteria are protective in certain places in the body and become harmful in others (depending on the bacteria and the population of bacteria in a certain place). Again the chances of harm are very slim (evidently as the majority who have had anal sex have not experienced health issues) but because Sir and I see anal sex as a want and not a need, we’ve decided to forgo this risk.

      Thanks again for taking the time to share with me your experience! It really helps to hear about what other people go through.

      Love from Down Under,
      Annika

  • collette

    Member
    at 9:26 pm

    “So onto the question about why Sir and I have a preference for no lube that is not naturally derived from my body. The reason is that I’ve learnt over the past 3 years in Uni that the rectum is where substances can be most readily absorbed. To be honest, I’m no expert or even close to being an expert of exactly what gets absorbed really well rectally but Sir and I are very paranoid about this. Our reasoning is that if it’s not necessary (if it’s just a want), there is no sense in taking a risk of substances from the lube being absorbed rectally.”

    If that’s a limit, I completely understand. As far as something that is safe to absorb into the body, I recommend raw coconut oil – it works great and is completely safe. We were raw foodists for a few years and raw coconut oil was a fantastic item for so much, including sex. If you prefer not to use anything at all, that is your choice, but extra lubrication is helpful in the pain area. And for when lube is necessary, it tends to be necessary not just once but through the whole of the experience – so we keep having to add more. If you do eventually consider using something, coconut oil has so many benefits in the body, no matter where it’s absorbed. (And there are enemas with coconut oil… LOL Fun Fact.)

    “I just want to take this train of thought one step further to say that because Sir and I are paranoid about each other’s health, we wouldn’t go into actual anal sex where the penis is inserted into the rectum. This is because I’ve learnt that there are a whole host bacteria (albeit commensal/non-harmful/beneficial ones) that colonise the rectum. Now these bacteria are beneficial in the rectum but I’m not sure that they would be beneficial if they get transferred to the penis and vice versa.”

    While Sir and I have just begun to include anal sex again in the past two years (though mostly the last 6 months), we had done anal sex for years prior as well. (Before I began to say “no”.) We’ve never had an issue – and I know so many other ladies who’ve also never had an issue. Still, it’s best to be knowledgeable and aware of what can happen, but much of that can fall on the side of exception and not the rule. Here you remind me (in a good way!) of two of my friends who took classes at Uni and now can’t eat sushi because they now know the risks – although an entire culture has eaten that way for millennia. I’d never pressure them to eat it again if they didn’t want to. 🙂

    “Again the chances of harm are very slim (evidently as the majority who have had anal sex have not experienced health issues) but because Sir and I see anal sex as a want and not a need, we’ve decided to forgo this risk.”

    That makes perfect sense then. 🙂 For my Sir it was something he really, really wanted. Not all the time, but he wanted the option back of being able to do anal anytime instead of never. It’s where I conceded and finally accepted it in submission. Of course now it’s turned into a “treat” for me because of the subspace it puts me in. It was through a form of DP that I saw stars and flashing bits of light for the first time and then collapsed afterwards. I’ll take that any day. 🙂

    • Deleted User

      Deleted User
      at 10:00 pm

      Thanks for the suggestion of raw coconut oil Collette! I’ll keep that in mind 😉

  • Deleted User

    Deleted User
    at 7:00 am

    I am unable to do anal. Not to disgust but it is more like an enema for me so it’s a no go. My poor Sir wants to go in so bad and I wish we could. 🙁

  • victoria

    Member
    at 9:37 pm

    Hello all-

    I’m new here but I wanted to share my story. I went from not liking (even being grossed out) by anal to completely not being able to live without it. My master wanted it so much, I began to really try to figure out how to do it with no pain. I had an inspirational moment actually: I considered that gay men do it all of the time and it can’t be hurting that bad or they wouldn’t do it. So I decided to go to gay men websites for info. It was a great decision, and it addressed several of my problems and some of the problems discussed here.

    My main worries were: pain and cleanliness!

    Let me say this, anal play takes preparation for me. I’m sorry if this is kinda graffic, but understanding basic anatomy helped me. The rectum only stores bowel movements (BMs) until elimination. What I learned from the gay men sites is that they “clean out.” They use a little bulb like what we use for babies noses when they have a cold. You can also buy one at any adult book store in the anal play section. I usually start by using a fleet glicerin suppository to make sure that are is “empty.” Like what the other woman stated, if I don’t then anal play acts like an enema for me too- not fun! But after the suppository I use the cleansing bulb with plain warm water to “rinse out.”

    I tell you all of this, almost embarrassed, but for me in order to get in the right mind space I had to quit worrying about what might “accidentally” come out of there. Cleaning out the rectum also makes it more comfortable because the area is then empty and your Dom can fit in there without, um, competition. 🙂

    Ok, so lube. I can’t use lube because it burns down there. I don’t know why, but it does. I use coconut oil. It’s natural and good for our skin, and it doesn’t have a taste like Crisco, or lube, or other oils. This is important to me because if he wants to put his mouth THERE I was always worried about what the other lubes might do to his stomach, and if it was good for him. And kissing after Crisco I can’t imagine tastes good. In addition to the coconut oil let me say that the absolute best lube I have ever found is saliva. There is a reason in porn movies they do it, and while at first I was kinda turned off when he would spit while we were having anal play I quickly forgot that I once thought it was gross. It made things so much better. I cannot stress that enough! Soooo much better! We know keep Gatorade on hand because it helps with hydration and allows for plenty of natural lube in the form of saliva. My master typically stretches me first, and having him pay attention to the very sensitive out parts helps. When he puts his fingers in, instead of going in and out (as I would have thought) it’s better to stretch that initial ring of muscle by putting a little bit of a finger in and gradually going in bigger and bigger circles. Once he can get two fingers in, what we do is he stretches me outward (kinda pulling his two fingers left and right away from each other). This helps me especially because my episiotomy scar isn’t as flexible at first.

    On last thing, again, just in my experience. We use a bullet in my vagina during anal play. The vibrations “confuse” sensory nerves and, well, as I am sure you guys know, just feels reall good!

    I hope this helps.

  • victoria

    Member
    at 10:49 pm

    P.s. I also use a plug. They make training sets that get progressively bigger. I like the stainless steel with a little gem for pretty sake when I’m just wearing one- and the rubber type if we are going to play.

  • bliss-aka-mr-grants-muffin

    Member
    at 12:49 pm

    I struggled with it too but with some research similar to previously mentioned, use of graduating silicon plugs and initial few times of “cleansing” of the rectum, I was able to overcome my trepidations. The thing was, when I would read about it, it really excited me and many of my fantasies included it but when it came to reality, it really bothered me. I had to get in touch with what was really bothering me and why reality and fantasy were at such odds. My husDom and I discussed some things and he compared it to “the icing on a cake”, while he doesn’t want it all the time, it is nice to have a little of every now and then. He also noticed the “my dear, thou dost compain too much” syndrome when my body betrayed my words. LOL!
    As a side note, I do the “cleansing” only when I feel it might be necessary based on when last BM was and the consistency. Don’t mean to be “gross” but it is part of being human. What we eat from day to day changes what we get rid of each day . I have found that I am more relaxed and enjoy it more when i KNOW it is not going to be messy or odorous. Sometimes I have just had to say, “now is not a good time.” and other times even with no cleansing, I know it will be just fine.
    Also, I third/fourth the recommendation of coconut oli! We love it! WE cook with in the kitchen and the bedroom! Seriously, I had at one time found a Chemical Engineer who did some tests and found that it does not affect silicone and latex like other oils can. He used condoms and there was no degredation in integrity with use of coconut oil. I think it was on reddit but I am not sure, it was months ago and I didn’t save the link.
    BTW…funny as I type, we are preparing for our first “scene” in months since before the holidays and husDom just came in and inserted the small plug “just to get my attention”. Of course I complained….LOL. Still learning to be submissive and get over my prudish upbringing for sure!

  • honeybadger

    Member
    at 6:31 pm

    I’m someone who was also nervous about anal play. I had to get over the taboo and feeling of it being “dirty.” I also had to learn that it can happen without pain. Sir was wonderfully patient with me, and I learned a lot from the ladies here. I have found that relaxing and lubricating are keys. Sir can read my body and know if I’m relaxed enough for anal penetration, and He knows how to stroke and massage me so that I become more relaxed. He’s never rushed it or pushed through my pain. (And I’m a big chicken about pain!) If He sees me tense up, or if I take a sharp breath like it hurts, He freezes and makes sure I’m ok… He talks me through what He’s doing to help make it ok, or He talks me through a change in His plans.

    I still rarely initiate anal, and I approach it with mental hesitation, but my body has learned how wonderful the sensations are, and it betrays me! Someone previously commented about her Sir enjoying the primal submissive response it begets, and I’ve found I crave that feeling. So glad to hear it’s not just me! For the whole day after a night with anal, I go into a wonderful feeling of uber submission. I feel wantonly sexy, and I’d be perfectly content to sit nude at Sir’s feet, proudly wearing only my collar/ cuffs/ leash. Sir and I talked about this response during our down time recently. He admits that He feels super horney after a night of anal.

    For me, anal takes an emotional energy that I don’t have every night. I imagine that energy, and the relative infrequency of anal (compared to all of the other lovely nights with oral/ vaginal/ masturbation/ etc), is part of what begets such a strong response from me when we do have it.

    Thank you to everyone who’s shared their experiences so far! For those anxiously considering it, I wish you luck! If you’re really interested and enjoying anal – practice, relax, lubricate, explore… and as with everything D/s – communicate.