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Switching
I want to start by saying I am in no way an expert. My journey is still pretty new like many or yours, we are now 10 months into our Dynamic and we are still evolving into it. It was not long ago I was here on LK site asking question on the very topic I am now writing to you all about. That being said it has become part of my journey. It was hard for me to say at first but I am a switch. For those who may not be familiar a switch is someone who wants and enjoy both sides of the BDSM coin, both being dominate and submissive.
As we started our journey we were strictly he was Dom and I was sub, we read that starting out it is good to have a sub plan a scene for the Dom, help teach the sub how difficult being a Dom can be. So the first time we switched it was just that a onetime thing. I tied his hands to the bed, blindfolded him and teased him, gave him sensation play. He really enjoyed this but in my mind it was a onetime thing.
So we traveled on our journey still just Dom and sub, we had many bumps in our road, re-starting our D/s several times over a few months when we would stumble. Then my husband asked me to be the Mistress for another scene. This time I didn’t know what to do. We had a few months of D/s without much falter and this scared me to try again. But I also wanted to be a good sub and give him wanted so I came into LKs chat and asked the ladies here if any of them had experience topping, and though no one did the ladies gave me some great ideas of things I could do to him that he would enjoy. After that scene Sir and I talk and we knew this was going to be a thing for us now.
All the switches I have personally meet, may bottom one person but Top to others. I have read some blogs about people who are in 24/7 monogamous switch dynamics but I have not personally meet any besides myself and my Sir so much of what Sir and I do as far as exchange we are making up as we go along, finding what works for us.
Our dynamic is generally he is the Dom, I am the sub, we do our switching as a one day or evenings activities, I may earn a day as Mistress or one of us will ask if we can have a Mistress day or scene. But really the first thing was/is deciding when we will switch roles. I have read other switches who just have a calendar of who is in charge when or they play games to earn X number of days in charge. However it is decided, when the day comes we have a time when we will, “pass the torch”, we go into our room I touch him gently all over and strip him of his dominance, I talk to him as his Mistress not as his sub(this takes practice, cant say I am great at it yet). From there the roles are switched, and however we have discussed this time it will proceed. For him to return to the Top we do something similar in reverse.
The main thing that held me back from wanting to Top my husband was most Femdom things I see involve a lot of BDSM activities we are not into, no humiliation or pegging here (I will let you Google that one if you are unfamiliar). As a top I have had to find the things I enjoy and Sir has had to let me know what male sub practices he enjoys. This is a whole new realm of communication for us we had not touched on much previous to switching.
Now today I am still his daily sub but sometimes I get to be his Domme. I get to be both his wife and his Mistress. I get to give myself to him and I get to take him for myself. This part of our journey makes it both complicated and exciting.
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4 Replies
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Hi Schatzi – Thank you so very much for sharing your journey with us! It sounds very sexy, exciting, and yes, complicated! But what a wonderful discovery for the two of you to make and embrace together 🙂
We have also read that having a sub top her Dom can be a good experience for both parties as each sees what the other must do to make it work. We will be doing this the day after Christmas (Boxing Day… or is it Boxer Day? lol) I’m excited and nervous and although it’s still two months away, I’d welcome any advice for a successful scene. 😉
I loved what you said about having to find the things you enjoy as a Top and things your Sir enjoys as a sub leading to a new realm of communication. That’s one of the many things I love about D/s… in order to be effective and get the most out of it, both the Dom and sub have to communicate more effectively. And better communication begets more intimacy, respect, and trust which then leads to more pleasure (in my opinion/experience). I would think learning your Sir’s needs/pleasures as a Domme would also help you serve him better when you are the sub? (yes/no/maybe?)
Again, thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds very rewarding for both of you.
Hugs-
june -
Hello June,
Yes, I definitely think being a sub helps so you know his pleasures, especially when you first start. And as far as communication, it certainly feels like subject is off limits anymore.My first couple times being Domme I did various types of sensation play and I think those are easiest to start with. You can simply start by playing with his body, in a way you want rather than on his demand or schedule. I like to make sure I really slow down and take my time to build the anticipation. For myself I use the music as time queues, otherwise I may get excited or frustrated if I am getting a different response that I anticipated and will just move along to other things. But sometime if you push on with what you are doing for just a minute they can relax into it and enjoy it. On the note of getting a different response than you anticipated, be prepared for that. If you start to use the Wartenberg wheel on him and all he can do is laugh, be prepared for that, nervous giggles were normal for me when I was a sub at first so when my husband did it to me I had to remind myself of that. A good Dom/me cant get angry or upset if a scene does not go the way they intended. And I always like to go in with options. Example, Wartenberg wheel is making him laugh so let’s try using my finger nails instead.
You really have time on your side June, 2 months is LOTS of time to plan out what you might want to do. Defiantly ask him what his version of a good Domme scene would look like, just like when the men are in charge a scene can be anything from light and intimate to scary and overwhelming. What I like as a sub is nothing close to what my husband likes so makes sure you know what turns him on.
A couple other pointers, practice your Domme talk in your head some first, to me I still sound insane ordering him around and talking dirty to him. Another Domme told me she practiced this while masturbating but since I am an everyday sub I don’t really get to do that but maybe your situation is different. Another pointer is make yourself look and feel the part. For me I feel like I do better when I throw on my leather corset and fishnet hose, holding a crop even if I have no intension on using it. (I think that might be Mindfucking yourself and him at the same time, lol) Lastly, have fun with it, be willing to laugh at mistakes and learn as you go, don’t get caught up in making it perfect the first few times(if you continue on with this type of play).
Let me know how it goes,
Good Luck and Hugs,
Schatzi -
I have my way with him from time to time, but it is just part of our bedroom spectrum. However, I would by no stretch claim to be a domme. He says he enjoys it and he enjoys not having to make all the decisions. From my perspective, I love seeing all the responses and moans and just that look on his face. 🙂
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This is something I’ve been wondering about… In the past, ive really enjoyed playing a mistress and I know my Sir enjoyed it too. He likes my aggressive side but it’s not something we do frequently. We’re new to this dynamic and part of me feels like I would miss the opportunities to play that way, but I kind of feel that we could make it work if I have to earn it. I am apprehensive though because of how most say this doesn’t work for most couples? I think the “passing of the torch” would really make it special and remind us of our places. But then, now that I really think of it, I feel like my sir would still feel in control in most situations…
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