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Submission after loss
I recently lost one of my mothers very suddenly, I litterly just walked into her house to drop off presents and then the slue of events happened that ultimately led to her leaving this world that night. It was a very intense and traumatic experience. Sir has been amazing and supportive, doing anything and everything that is needed for me. I want to be able to serve him as I did before, but I am finding it hard to do so. I have reverted to questioning him, getting scared that he will not do something that he has told me he would (which he does not do, he always does what he has promised). I am lashing out at him, becoming frustrated with him. He has been amazing, and when I lash out or I become frustrated he makes me let him hold me.
I have thought about asking for a playtime, but I just don’t think I can get into the headspace to do it. I feel like I may break and I just don’t know if I will ever be able to get there again. We have had some semi-vanilla sex in which he has Sir’ed out a little, I still feel the need to submit and release control, to not think and trust him.
Has anyone experience anything similar, how did you get through it? I know there are no easy answers, and everyone experiences things in their own way. I just can’t help but feel that this is the place to ask and share. Thank you in advanced for any advise you may be able to provide.
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6 Replies
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Oh Lady, I’m so sorry for your loss. I could not imagine having to navigate the road you are on.
I had a situation recently that led me into a full blown panic attack. I’ve never had one before and it was scary. Now this is not even close to what your going through, grief is a monster but maybe it will help. This panic attack had me in a weird vanilla/sub mix where I wanted to not let go and lose my sub but the vanilla in me was MAD for days. I needed to submit but the vanilla was just so strong. It was an epic battle of wills for me because usually I would let my sub go and get lost in the vanilla. It was the weirdest but best improvement of my sub self. Anyways, I went to Sir and told him that I needed a spanking, playtime was out of the question for me- no way I was getting there. My Sir took me in the bedroom and had me lay over the bed naked and rubbed my ass cheeks to warm them up. Then he smacked it, hard, the instant his hand hit my bottom I began to sob. He kept going. 5 snacks and a rub until he had done 15 on each cheek. The crying release I had was so cleansing, all the emotion and anger that was tied up was able to be released by Sir with my only submission in that moment was staying bent over.
We do maintenance spankings so that could be why this was my helper and this was nothing like grief of a tragic loss but reading your story reminded me of the conflict I had inside and it sounded familiar. Thank you for sharing your story and I know you will get some great advice on how to navigate this from these wonderful subbies.
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Hi lady, I’m so sorry for your loss and glad you reached out here. I understand how grieving can impact every part of your life. For me, submission is what saved me and what can still bring me back from despair. Intense play is honestly the only thing that allows me to feel completely at peace. Your responses to your Sir are normal. We tend to lash out at those closest to us and it sounds like he is very understanding. Sometimes, we lash out to keep from feeling those other emotions. Anger is easy to feel. Grief is not. Your world just got turned upside down. Give yourself time to grieve. Let your Sir take care of you and please continue to reach out here. Sending love and prayers. Hg
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Good morning Lady,
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I think that there are two ways to go in extenuating circumstances. You can press pause on your D|s-M or you can double down. I think that either one is reasonable and only you can decide which is best. For me, stressful times are when I need my Dom to lead more than ever. A firm hand can be very comforting if the Dom doesn’t waver. If your Sir is giving you more leeway because of your recent loss, I would encourage you to call Downtime and ask him to enforce the boundaries or to officially call a time out on your D|s-M for now. For me, a slow slip into vanilla-land is the most frustrating and unhealthy option.
Sending you lots of hugs.
Staci
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Hello lady,
I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. I know a situation such as this would throw me into a tailspin with my submission. Grieving is a process that really takes a lot out of us but it is an essential path to take in order to get past the loss. When I lost my mother I had to put my ‘service’ self on hold in order to focus on recovering from the loss. My Sir understood this and allowed me the time to grieve with no pressure to serve.
I am sure all of us subs here hold you in our collective arms and say ‘we are here for you’. Don’t worry about your submission. It’s there just resting. We can only deal with what we can handle at the time. Sending healing energy to you!
hugs, elskling
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Thank you all for your kind words. I have been back and forth on what to do with my submission. With the unpredictability of my emotions during this time I am so back and forth. After reading everyone’s responses I have taken a little bit from everyone and think I have found the path I am going to take. For now we have decided to put my day service at 1/2 speed and my night service on full speed. I need both the structure he provides and the comfort of knowing that my feelings are ok to have.
It is hard to rein in my emotions and my Sir does not feel it is healthy for me to have any punishments for any outbursts. During that time, I do try to remain respectful but there are no funishements or punishments for any outbursts, just a calm understanding from my Sir.
Today was my first day back to work, it was hard to have everyone asking “how was you vacation”. I have a friend that works in the same building as me, who I can talk to during my lunch and that helps as well. When I got home, Sir had cleaned the house and had dinner planned (usually my job to do). He took me to the bed and just held me and just listened as I told him about my day.
The sun has set on another day, I feel so blessed to have a community to turn to for support and a wonderful, amazing partner who I can turn to for everything I need for both body and soul. I am not sure how long it will take to heal, but I know that through it all my Sir, my love, my partner will be there for me and love me unconditionally.
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I’m happy to hear that you and your Sir have found something that is working.
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