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Road Block!!!!
Roadblocks
If you’ve been on site for a while, or new but devouring the blog posts and forum threads…I know that you have come across talk about the natural Ebbs and Flows of a D/s-M dynamic. I remember reading those when I was a newbie sub and thinking, “yeah, ok…”. When the first ebb hit, is was jarring, but we came through it intact. I am going to be honest with y’all about why they happen in my D/s-M dynamic…it’s called life. I am not just a sub and my Sir is not just a Dom. I am first and foremost a wife and mother. I have a full-time job where I am the manager of my sales department. We have kids, a house, dogs, cars, extended family…in other words, LOTS of vanilla. In the beginning, I wanted to pretend that I could mesh all my vanilla into my D/s-M; essentially putting everything (that should never have been) under my “submissive umbrella” and give Sir total control and all authority over EVERYTHING…except my job, lol. It didn’t take very long for Sir and me to realize that this was not a good plan and was not a healthy decision for our family. This was because most of our ebbs were coming from real life, adult situations with in our vanilla world that had no business being managed as D/s, but we were trying to do just that. As we tweaked our D/s-M, there were more ebbs…but we didn’t worry because by then, they didn’t seem as bad and we realized that once we got things flowing again, we could look back a see the huge lessons we learned during that time and use it to make our dynamic even more DYNAMIC. Ebbs were always caused by little stuff, just general life getting in the way. It happens!
What I am writing this post for though is not about the normal little ebbs and flows that we have experienced in the now 2 years of being D/s-M…but what happened when we hit a road block…a BIG road block. Now, Sir and I had experienced one road block before this and we climbed over the damn thing to see the light on the other side. I thought for sure after that one, that if it came around again, we would hop over with ease! Oh, how wrong I was!
In the span of 1 month (January-February), I had three entirely separate personal, family issues rear their ugly heads. Each one was something that messed with my head in its own way, but they piled on to create one hell of a storm inside me. When the first one hit, Sir handled the situation and then let me have my space to process and we maintained our D/s. When the second one hit, all Sir could do was let me have my freak out until I could wrap my brain around what had just happened and we moved closer to ebb territory, but we still maintained. When the third one hit…I shut completely down. The third one also involved and affected Sir. We were both blindsided and both dealt with it in our own way. Our D/s was immediately road blocked…and the road block seemed to stretch for miles between us. I had no interest in being submissive and I don’t think he had it in him to get me back into mindset. Sir would still pick out my panties every morning and kiss me good bye (one of our little rituals) and Sir also would place my collar ON said panties if he noticed that I had taken it off. Sir wasn’t done with our dynamic…but I was fighting against my submission with fervor.
A couple months of us living like this (vanilla) passed and one evening we FINALLY addressed the issue. Are we going to get back on track or are we going to give up and stop pretending that we are still D/s? The conversation was brutal at times. I pointed out that my biggest issue was how I felt he sat back and just watched me spiral out of control. During that conversation, I also realized that I resented him being the head of our house when it came to the kids…that my putting all of that on him and removing myself let me BLAME him for what had happened with the final issue that caused this road block…and I came to realize how UNFAIR that was to him. I was punishing HIM for taking up the role and control that I gave him! By the end of the conversation, we were sitting on our outdoor love seat, he was kissing me gently as a cried and cried and cried. I wanted US back so badly. I NEEDED him to step back up and retake control of me, but we needed to redefine roles when it came to our family. We knew we needed to get back on track and climb over this together…and that is what we did. One day at a time. One correction at a time. One re-established rule and ritual at a time. - 13 Replies
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Wow, V, that’s a very very good post. In fact it could be describing my dynamic as well! Thanks for sharing and I am so glad to see you back around again.
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Thanks lady…I waited to write it because I wanted to make sure it was a full circle kind of post, lol. I’m glad to see you back too!
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Veruca,
Thank you for sharing your story, my husband and I are going through a strikingly similar situation. It is very comforting knowing there are other couples who hit roadblocks and are able to conquer them. Thanks again for your honesty, you never know how it can impact someone else’s journey and give me hope!-
You are welcome! It IS possible to climb over it…it takes hard work from both Dom and sub TOGETHER. Going back to basics is what has helped Sir and I the most. I hope y’all get through this and don’t hesitate to message me anytime!
Smooches,
V
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V,
I love the honesty and vulnerability in this post. We all struggle and no one gets it perfect all the time. I’m so glad to hear things have turned around.
Hugs,
Staci-
I think it’s easy when we are online to think that everyone else has it “figured out” sometimes, and have feelings of not measuring up to everyone else…ESPECIALLY during the tougher moments. We all have to remember that none of us REALLY know what is going on in each other’s dynamics and someone could be having a hard time, but for what ever reason doesn’t share it or acts like it’s not happening while here. It’s OK admit you are having a real struggle in your dynamic and I hope that more ladies are willing to reach out for help and admit not only that they have hit a roadblock, but are willing to look in the mirror and see how they may have contributed to it and how they can help to fix it…this lesson was a hard one for Sir and I, but I am so glad we had it. We are ALWAYS learning, no matter how long we’ve been D/s!
Smooches,
V
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I have to say, I am grateful for this post albeit a long time after your op. We have had some major life situations over the past few years, actually really major and Sir and I are attempting to re establish this in a new way that honors the D/s with the way our life is now. I have some health issues that make it hard for me to run to my knees by the time we are settled for the night but really we both are trying to find that space for us again. Thank you for writing it. There are so many times I end up feeling like a bad sub, like really letting him down. It’s both of us in this and we are on our way up together. Thank you for posting
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You’re welcome! I am glad it helped you in your situation. We all have different issues, but they can all turn into a road block and it’s all about working together to overcome that block!
Smooches,
V
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V so thankful that you got
through and came out stronger
as Dom Sub. Thank you for sharing.
sharing. -
I think what last week was for me and Sir could be considered a roadblock, I can relate a lot with your post V and it is nice to read that one is not alone.
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Lilla,
You are most definitely NOT alone!
Smooches,
V
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V,
I’m so glad you mentioned this post in chat tonight! I can relate so much to all of this! My Sir and I have hit so many road blocks before about a year and a half ago when we first entered into D/s-M and i fought so hard against it. I wasn’t in a good place with myself and so I was no good to my Sir either, it almost broke our marriage. Even though it took months to climb over that road block we came out on the other side stronger than before. We are in such a better place now. I’m so happy that we found Mr. Fox’s and LK’s sites. Im 100 percent positive that they actually saved our marriage!
Thank you for sharing your story!!Luna!
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Thanks lady…it wasn’t easy for me to share this and admit failure on my part, but after many discussions with LK and others I trusted, I knew it was necessary (especially for the subbies that were wondering where I had gone for a while). I’ve only ever tried to share what I’ve learned from LK and that includes the hard stuff…right along with the fun stuff.
Smooches,
V
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