Punishments

[mrsnewbie]

I’m very curious about this as well. Hope to read some examples here. I brought this dynamic to my husband and we’re just now starting to talk more about doing D/s outside the bedroom. But he is reluctant, especially about punishments. But I do feel I need this to feel like there is a D/s dynamic. I’d love to hear how others give substance to punishments in their D/s.

[Js_bunny-CGL_Ms]

I’m so sorry I didn’t see this sooner jbsub. I have thoughts on Punishment and I would like to respond but, warning this will be lengthy Ladies. When Sir and I first started we did have punishment and he did punish me physically twice. Now let me tell you why we don’t have punishment anymore. The first time Sir punished me I was testing him, I was given a rule and purposely didn’t follow said rule, I was warned and still didn’t, he punished. The second time my mouth got away from me, I didn’t read Sir correctly and didn’t know he had enough, he punished me and I was left scared to be me so I didn’t upset him. Both times I felt terrible at what I had done and both times my Sir felt terrible that he had done it. Neither of us felt good afterward and my Sir would slip away feeling like a “bad guy who hits his wife”. I did that to him, each time it took forever for him to come back to his dominate self. Now let me tell you what we have learned and follow now. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. When a task is not done or rule not followed we look to ‘why’. Did the submissive have the right tools to get it done? Did she have the time? Does she have the knowledge? Did she even know it was a thing? If any of these are “No’s” then it is up to the Sir to make sure the sub has the tools, knowledge, time and know so that it can be done, if not right now then in the future when skills are there. If those are “Yes’s” then it is up to the sub to explain why it wasn’t done. “I honestly forgot” is an explanation. In that case sub need memory skills. If it is willful intent like the first time I was punished (wanted to see what he would do) then the submissive broke trust. I agreed to do something and didn’t do it, he trusted me to follow direction and I didn’t do it. I broke trust. I have to earn trust back its on me. There is no punishment need from him. I have to make amends and my atonement is on me. This makes any mistake an opportunity for communication and learning so we can grow together. I hope this helps. Take what serves you and leave the rest. Good luck in your journeys

Jsbunny

[komplicatedkitty]

So, I tried to respond about punishments once before, and I accidentally deleted my entire post! I’ll try again now. Punishment can be a tricky thing. In my vanilla life, the idea that my partner could discipline me for disobeying his rules or not completing an assigned task would make my feminist fur stand on end. (Dealing with that dichotomy is a post for another day!) But as he and I navigated our D/s dynamic outside of the bedroom, I realized the deep connection, satisfaction, and, yes, fun it brought to our relationship was worth figuring this part out.

Some people never have punishment as part of their dynamic, and I would say, if it turns your stomach, then it’s not for you. The beauty of this thing we do is there is no one size fits all!

But for me, his authority didn’t feel real enough if he couldn’t back it up with consequences, and I was definitely going to push at it a little, at least in the beginning. Later, punishments began to mean more and feel like a very healthy part of our dynamic (more on that in a bit).

When we first began our journey, I wrote this for him…

It’s probably good to think about this one when it isn’t really an issue yet. I’m sure it’s going to piss me off when you actually do it! My independent, feminist sensibilities will be fighting hard with my submissive desires.

The foundation of this thing we do between us is trust. I’ve placed my trust in you. I believe you always have my best interest at heart. You may demand things of me I don’t like, don’t want to do, or just plain annoy me, as is your right now in this role, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you would never, ever have me do something that’s harmful to my body or psyche. This is the only reason I can hand over control. This absolute trust allows me to surrender and admit my deepest desires.

If trust is the foundation, obedience is the heart. If you are contemplating a real punishment, then I’ve broken a rule. We have a mechanism for discussing rules and decisions, and I have safe words if I ever really need them. So, something in the moment was more important to me than obedience. Not only did I want that thing more, but I acted on it. In our dynamic, that’s unacceptable.

You won’t want to punish, because you’re a good guy. And I’m certain I won’t like it. But I need to know you’ll do it. I need to know this dynamic is important to you and that you will hold your role so that I can hold mine.

We did a lot of talking about when, why, and how punishments would happen. We made decisions about it together, and I agreed before-hand. This is really key when dealing with the touchier parts of D/s. Don’t agree to something if either of you are uncomfortable with it!

So, here’s how it’s worked out in real life so far…

I’m not a bratty sub, but once in a while, I can go there. The consequences for this are more playful, and are what LK and others in the community describe as ‘funishments’. He might give me a spanking, and tell me I need an attitude adjustment. Even if it’s a good, hard one, we’re both enjoying ourselves.

But, I have been punished for real, and usually there are two reasons why: I’ve broken a rule and it’s not been in good fun, or I’m in a bad place emotionally and I’ve lashed out at him.

It’s important to hear his response to each, because even though we only use one method of punishment, how we get to it is important to us both feeling okay afterward.

Once during a disagreement, I called him a ‘whiney bitch’. Yup, not my finest moment. In our vanilla life, I was always the one with the hotter temper. I definitely let loose with the name calling – not regularly, but enough that I didn’t like how it felt afterwards, and neither did he. In our D/s life, I’m not allowed to call him names. And let me add that never, in over 27 years of marriage, has he ever called me a nasty name in anger. Back to my ‘whiney bitch’ comment. I threw my hands over my mouth and apologized so quickly he burst out laughing, and so did I, but he didn’t let it go. Punishment followed.

The other few times I’ve lashed out really inappropriately were when I’ve been emotionally insecure, feeling neglected, or uncomfortable in my own skin. We have a mechanism for talking through these moments, but sometimes I can’t get there on my own, and my default is to lash out first (my discomfort with my own vulnerability is material for yet another post). When this happens, he always, always helps me get to the other side of my emotional roller coaster first. He stands solidly in my corner with love and strength until I can articulate what’s wrong and what I’m feeling. And when I’ve got my equilibrium back, only then will he punish me if I’ve crossed a line (like leaving the bed and locking myself in the guest room when he’s trying to comfort me).

Here’s where that deeper part of the punishment dynamic comes into play. I want it. I want it to help reset me, to help close the loop and be finished with my bad behavior moment, and to show him my apology with more than my words. My vanilla self would never have believed I’d feel this way. On the surface, it might seem demeaning, but within the context of the whole dynamic, it’s absolutely right for us.

All that, and you both probably just wanted ideas for the punishments themselves! But, I thought it was really important to give context and a little of our personal dynamic first, because we use the cane. It sounds harsh, and LK rightly cautions people to not to use physical means for punishments, especially when spankings are fun for a lot of us, or we are new to this. But it works for us because it’s quick, memorable, and ultimately cathartic for me. Neither of us could be bothered thinking up creative or time-consuming punishments.

I love spankings. I love when Sir lets his inner-sadist out to play and wants me to take a good, hard one with the belt, the spoon, his hand. Oh boy, I’m getting hot and bothered just typing it! I also like spankings when I’m in a cranky mood and need a reset. He knows how much is enough all the time.

The difference for a real punishment is in the presentation. There is no fanfare, no dirty talk, no warm up. We go to our room, he has me tell him why I’m being punished, and he gets it done. It’s never more than I can take, I am free to safe-word out if I really don’t want it, and when it’s finished, it’s over. And truly, for me, it’s cathartic.

Maybe your way is to write an apology, or do an extra chore, or kneel naked and tell him you’re sorry, or none at all because you’ve talked it through and that’s enough. There isn’t a right or wrong way, only the way that works for you both, and most importantly, feels like it adds something meaningful to your dynamic. You should both feel better when it’s over, not worse. That’s why I spent more time on the ‘why’ vs. the ‘how’ of it. Whew! I hope this helps.

[southernsub]

So, I wrote a post and it disappeared. I will not be as eloquent as Komplicated Kitty. Lol. Her post was beautiful.

However, when Sir brought this to me, I literally thought he was crazy. I couldn’t imagine my life as Sir’s submissive. But, fast forward several months, I now can’t imagine my life any different. We’ve had some highs and lows the last few months but that’s okay. And we had the most beautiful formal acceptance ceremony last month. It literally brought me to tears. I promised to always respect Sir and to obey him and accept him. I was the one who brought punishments up – I feel I needed them to make this dynamic feel real. I need to know that Sir takes this life as seriously as I want him to.

I’ve received only one punishment and it was because I was very bratty. My punishment was well deserved. For us, punishments are spankings. I received one good swat and there was a discussion beforehand about how I had disappointed Sir. I took the punishment and everything was over for us both. I truly was a reset for me.

I feel like Sir is very lenient with me. He travels so much – usually gone for 3 weeks and home for 4 days – so I feel like he’s lenient with me because he’s scared since he’s gone so long. We actually discussed this post tonight and we will talk more next week during DT when he comes home. He told me tonight that when I fail to address him as Sir it makes him cringe. I feel as if we will discuss this later too.

The wonderful thing about this lifestyle is that there isn’t a right or wrong. You do what works for you. Good luck! Whatever you decide, it will be right for you and your Sir.

[jbsub]

Thanks to everyone who wrote recent posts. I appreciate it!

[minx-prema]

First, thank you for posting and asking your question. As far as punishments go, we do not have them in our dynamic nor do we have any intent on adding them but we do have funishments. Neither one of us like the idea of me being punished like I was a child for disobeying a parent. But I do like to playfully brat at times in order to make Sir laugh and get a fun playful rise out of him. The funishments that happen are a result of me forgetting a rule that has been established and is used as a good reminder for me not to forget. The point being it is playfully done and is serving as a reset for the next day.