-
One step forward 5 steps back
I have tried for days and days to not post this here…..for days to let my mind just push it away but it’s getting worse and I need to know if I am in the wrong and how I can move past this issue.
My husDom is a wonderful man and a major social butterfly. Everyone loves him. He is very very personable and talks to everyone. He works in retail. There came a situation where he was accused at work of having a relationship with this one female-I blew it off because I trust him completely. Then I started to notice this girl was constantly tagging him in stuff on social media and liking any posts of his except the rare few about his family (he has never posted about us much). Then, of course, I started looking through stuff online. I found out that he was hiding the posts she was tagging him in, stuff like meme’s that said “it’s all about who you work with” his like and comment to that was “this is true”. I was furious. I am furious. I then noticed that he had “hearted” a profile picture of this girl…not a thumbs up like but a heart. He said he hid these posts because he knew they would upset me and he didn’t want to have me upset when there is nothing going on.
He says “it was a nice picture” but he didn’t like or heart the one of her and her girlfriend posted a month earlier….He has no other explanation other than he is a nice person and likes being around his co-workers but that is all she is…a co-worker. I called him out on her texting him when he is not at work or at night when he is home and him hiding it and he said it was no big deal she is a friend.
I did some reading and found out that jealousy is the fear of losing something. I know that I fear I will never be good enough and one day my personality and my emotional mess will drive him away to someone who he is with all day and who constantly makes him smile. MY BIGGEST FEAR! I didn’t realize this until yesterday.
He also was taking another female home every night but she would make him wait 10-15 minutes for her and then he would be over an hour late getting home, cutting into the little time we have at night because I have to be in bed to get the kids up in the morning. He did not see this as an issue because he didn’t want her walking in the cold-he says he was being nice. I say that our relationship is not as important because he is taking her comfort into consideration before mine.
I am still having a hard time because he purposely hid the social media stuff stating it was for my “protection”, made the conscience choice to take all the hearts that I put in his notes and give them to someone else-that’s how I feel.
I also needed his phone a month ago to take pictures because mine was not accessible. He would not just give me his phone, I said forget it-we won’t take pictures. He said later it was because he had stuff on there about his research into our dynamic that he did not want me to see. I don’t by this because I never in my life have gone through his phone, I literally just wanted the camera to take pictures at our son’s party.
Please help me navigate this…my sub brain feels so betrayed and disrespected and unloved and lied too. He swears none of it meant nothing and it isn’t like that it was him just being him. He wanted to delete all his social media because “it upset me” when it was his actions that upset me. The feeling that you have to constantly make a choice to “love” someones else’s picture. Is she prettier than me? Is the fact that she’s 19 and probably swoons over him or would make a better sub than me?
Please help me….I am dying inside right now.
-
9 Replies
-
Hi mylittle,
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I can imagine how hard it is. Is this something that you are able to discuss with your Sir during Downtime? Have you explained to him how you are feeling. Maybe write in your journal and have him read it. My Sir is not social and is very careful in his interactions with other women but I am very social. I joke around, I heart lots of social media things of male friend and and I wouldnt think anything of giving male co workers rides. But, I would never hide any of it from my Sir. If I thought it would upset my Sir, I wouldnt do it. Hiding things breaks trust and trust is very difficult to repair once broken. My Sir and I trusts each other completely but even so I get insecure and would question him if he started interacting with another women even if he said it was innocent. That’s human nature. Talk to your Sir, let him know how you’re feeling and see what he comes up with as a solution. I’m sure others will come along with more insight. 😘😘😘😘 hg
-
Thank you for replying. No downtime. I was in full vanilla mode, yelling, screaming, crying, etc. He never hid the rides, those upset me because he doesn’t get out of work until 10 and that means he couldn’t leave until 10: 15 or so because she was shopping and then had to take her home….while I was up waiting for him. I think what upset me most about that is that he never thought about me waiting at home, he just thought about how she would have to feel walking. Never communicated to her that she needed to be ready to go at 10 when they got off work because he needed to get home.
It’s nice to hear from someone who is a social butterfly as well….My head says I am overreacting to the “heart” of another woman’s picture because I really do trust him completely…but I am so hurt that he was hiding all of it INSTEAD of just not doing it or telling her not to tag him in posts or whatever. I feel that she may have feelings for him that he is not seeing yet…I also could be wrong there….I most likely am.
I have written in my journal and he has read those entries but has not spoken about what he has read.
-
-
We have a pretty simple rule in our house…if you have to hide it don’t do it. Sir has all my login info and I have his. We have no secrets. I think you need to really analyze this and figure out what exactly bothers you about all of it. Try to communicate this clearly with your Sir so that there is no room for misunderstanding as too what is really bothering you. On the heels of the work[lace accusation your Sir may need to really examine his social behavior with females. Sometimes just the appearance of wrong doing can harm your career
-
Yes, thank you. I know his personality and people these days will consider being friendly flirting. The person who accused him was the girl’s girlfriend…she like me now but not at the time was jealous. I still do not know any more than that. I stopped wanting info on that situation. I have taken some time to think and process. I know that I trust him completely so when he came home I took him in the bedroom and knelt before him and we had a long conversation about exactly what upset me and exactly how it made me feel. He read my journal and I am sending him links to read. We are, I am on the mend….and still in the midst of figuring out how I feel without the overwhelming emotions on my heels. I want to add also that we have each other’s passwords and everything and he has free access to my phone just as an unwritten rule. I have never asked for his phone before and was in complete shock when he told me no, that, of course, made me doubt his reason for having research for our dynamic on it.
-
-
Hi mylittle, I am sorry for your trouble and am sending tons of good healing energy your way. I just wanted to share what my experience has been with ‘suspicion’. I have never been a trusting person due to baggage from previous relationships before my Sir. When we met I thought everything would be roses but that wasn’t reality. There were many issues early on that made it incredibly difficult for me to trust but as time went by I was able to step out in faith more and more and enter into our first formal D/s. This though did nothing to alleviate my controlling nature and my strong defense mechanisms that I came into the relationship with.
As time went by things were going great, or so I thought, when all of a sudden there was a break in trust. It was just some unacceptable behavior nothing horrible but he was keeping secrets. So our D/s went right into the crapper because all the baggage from the past surfaced. As many know my Sir and I had our first FA almost 20 years ago.
At that point we trudged a bit until I got some righteous indignation i.e. really pissed off. I told my Sir that I didn’t want to do this half assed anymore. I wanted all or nothing. That meant full disclosure at every twist and turn. This was very difficult for both of us as we were both full of secrets. But we did it. I am no less jealous or possessive than I was back then but today I know where he is, what he’s doing, what he’s thinking and he knows the same about me. AND as a result we are rock solid because we have nothing to hide.
Bottom line is for some couples going out separately is okay, mixed company is no issue and for some (like us) it doesn’t fit. The good thing is we know it doesn’t fit and that happened because I had some righteous indignation and I let myself be heard loud and clear.
hugs elskling
-
Oh Elsking! Thank you so much for your reply! I was at my breaking point and I actually told him exactly what you said, I can. It do this half assed. It causes more issues than it solves doing that. We are working slowly but I think it has to be super transparent for us too.
-
-
mylittle, there is some very good advice here. I always say trust your gut instinct. It could be a situation in which your Sir is oblivious to the other person’s intentions. It could also be he is feeling flattered by attention and walking a dangerous line. Intentionally hiding things from you is a HUGE red flag. Co-workers do not need to socialize outside of the workspace. I am confident that if I asked my Sir to distance himself from someone that he would. And I absolutely have no issues doing the same. We also share passwords to have access to each other’s phones, email accounts, social media accounts, etc. Our circle of friends is the same as well. We cum as a package.
My recommendation is to go back to the basics. Any strong marriage needs a SOLID foundation. Both parties needs to do their part. (https://submrs.com/foundations-domination-submission-married-couples/) Look at each of the components and assess where each of you are in Downtime. There are a lot of tools and suggestions on subMrs to help you. Consider putting the D|s-M on hold until your marriage is in a good place and gradually add components back in. Clean your slates, start fresh, and continue building together. But there has to be honesty and openness on both parts! You have to communicate and communicate, and communicate!!!
You know we are all here for you!
sub-Hugs!!
Foundations of Domination and submission for Married Couples, D/s-M
-
Thank you for responding subMarie. It has been a very long week. I can not put the dynamic on hold but I did request downtime because my communication sucks in any other form. There were many many downtime’s which helped me talk and express my concerns in a way that didn’t feel like I was constantly attacking him but clearly showed I needed an explanation. I do believe he is just oblivious which is part of the problem. I also know I am stuck between not wanting to make up things in my head that do not exist and purposely ignoring things that do. Since our talks things have improved on both ends but we are still working an right now downtime’s are a must for me everyday. He is understanding of where I am coming from and improving and stopping those behaviors and I am learning to filter and work through my thoughts but talk about them instead of holding them in. I have taken every single advice I have received and implemented bits and pieces that fit us. You ladies rock. Thank you all.
-
-
Hang in there! Great advice here. We are here for you!
Log in to reply.