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Navigating the Journey into D/s
It has been 18 days since I asked my Sir to be my D/s-LTR and 16 days since we moved to another city and started our D/s journey, and in that time I became victim to a Siren, shipwrecking myself on a jungle island populated with all manner of demons.
In my jungle live Self Loathing, Shame, and Distrust and a few others too. When confronted they band together forming a gang called Past Baggage. Sir, who loves me well, noticed a change in the first week: I was gone and in my place was someone meek and lifeless. He confronted me and it was enough to release Rebellion, who had been lurking within. Driven by frustration Sir declared that he loved me but that he wasn’t waiting anymore and that he was taking my power. I stopped hearing the Siren and let go of Rebellion. He held me as I cried in his arms and the maelstrom of thoughts and feelings subsided. He offered to take 24/7 off our journey route but I declined. I love my Sir with all of my heart and soul and want to give him all of myself. But in the background I could still hear the Siren calling.
In the week and half that has followed I have made more breakthroughs, and our lines of communication are improving despite the arguments. I have moments of pure happiness, something I never thought I could ever feel. I have learnt both positive and negative things about myself, most importantly that I distrust my ability to discern those who would actively seek to hurt me from those who won’t. I also have had real problems reconciling the D/s relationship with Feminism which I now have achieved. Reconciling my Sir to my feminist heart is another issue and this has followed us from our vanilla life, and we can’t add discussions of feminism into our hard limits because it denies our self-expression. To use a phrase often used in feminist writing “it’s problematic.” Realistically that may never happen.
In my first draft I had a whole different paragraph written here but things have manifested in the last few days that have needed me to review what’s going on. Ironically this was triggered by the very words I had written in that paragraph. Just as I was becoming ready to surrender, the Siren’s call became a klaxon and I became shipwrecked yet again. Greeting me on the shore were shape shifting demons – Doubt, Denial, and Pure Fear. I reluctantly followed them to a part of the island that I had vaguely seen before, a small grotto with light that seemed to come from itself. Waiting there was Self Respect. They all spoke to me and I listened without losing myself to fear and I returned unscathed. But I had learnt that my ability to trust myself was only hidden from my view.
I freely acknowledge that by thinking too much and reacting from fear that I lost sight of the essential matter. This was also pointed out to me by someone who is becoming very dear to me. I will always be me; I will not lose something but regain the part of me that I deny. A lady with a lamp also showed me that both Sir and I hadn’t internalised the difference between submissive and slave, sir and master: that we had failed to define our D/s relationship and what we wanted from it, and by doing so it is starting to put our relationship at risk. I hope Sir and I can get where we need to be. I have faith that we can.
Now I also understand the significance of where I was shipwrecked and who the Siren is: her voice is my protector, the island is my heart and my head is the jungle. There is more than one space on the island and demons only have the power we give them. I love that Siren now; her job is to get me to the place where I need be to review and to question all the signs, to separate out fear from reality, to bring discernment to the heart. I shipwrecked myself because I refused to go. Siren brought me to the island but it was I who stayed in the jungle. And for the first time the Siren sings softly now, I just need to convince her that she can go to sleep from time to time, knowing that I will stay safe when my Sir takes control.
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I am glad you are navigating your way lady and I like how you wrote this. Keep heading in the right direction in a slow smooth rhythm and I like the song. ♥♥♥♥
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