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My D/s journal
Last year a few subs recommended I started writing a journal… actually 3 journals, one for information regarding BDSM, another for my own fantasies and the 3rd one (although they come in no particular order) was for my thoughts on my D/s life… or the D/s in my life.
So I did, I thought I couldn’t be picky with which advice I followed, considering how it was all going, and after a while I was fine with writing on them.
They were all supposed to be written considering my Dom would eventually read them, to gain knowledge on my point of view or thoughts on something in particular, be it our daily interactions or a Scene, etc., but so far my Dom hasn’t read any of them so as time went on, because of how our D/s was almost dead, most of the time, I started to think it was for the best that he didn’t, I even got so caught up in that thought that eventually I stopped thinking he would read it.
High in my own confidence that those notebooks would never see the light of day… and only my nightlight each night as I wrote on them I became more coarse, more aggressive, more insulting and mean in what I wrote. True as it is, that he hasn’t read them so far, I had lost part of the “point”, the reason why I was supposed to write in them. They basically became my dark secret, they fed my unhappiness and even thought they did work as an outlet for my complicated emotions they also fed them, made them more real and more powerful, for they were the only truth I knew and accepted once they were penned.
Last week another sub I was talking with about journals mentioned the idea of “editing” them, so perhaps my Dom wouldn’t be so uncomfortable or afraid of reading them because of what he would find in them. I snickered at the idea and was certain that “editing” any of that would be pointless because he wouldn’t read them anyway and because they were my thoughts, changing the words I used wouldn’t change the truth of how I felt and what he had or hadn’t done… pointless, I told myself. Still… feeling the woman had a point somewhere I took my D/s thoughts-journal and begun re-reading it from page 1. The beginning was alright; yeah… I remember that day, yeah… I remember how I felt… and that happened… and we talked… aah… yes that fight… oh… Oh… did I really write that?
Oh… crapbaskets… those… are really my words?
Thank God he never read it…I was shocked at my own deviation, to say the least. I begun thinking of how to change it and before I knew it I had grabbed another notebook and begun writing, partially coping from page 1 of the original and little by little changing words, lines, paragraphs… ignoring great portions of what I had written before.
This whole thing reminded me of something I learned a while ago, after deeply hurting my mother. One has the right and sometimes the duty of speaking the truth to another person, specially if you hold that person dear in your heart, but, BUT you don’t have the right to hurt that person with your words, to hurt them just for the sake of being “RIGHT”, just because you are “RIGHT” and you speak the “truth”. A hard lesson learned… specially because of someone used to using words as her weapon of choice to hurt me, but I understood what kind of person I wanted to be, and certainly, the person who wrote those words on that notebook, wasn’t who I wanted to be at all. Then, my thoughts turned to another part of my life, a question popped in my head I already knew the answer to, is this how a sub is supposed to act?
More than writing “my thoughts” in a journal, I had written my hurt and my anger, my hate towards a situation, towards a person and I had felt proud about it too.
As an artist I don’t draw when filled with negative feelings, never, that’s my rule because I’ve always felt my drawings become contaminated by my emotions and I would never do that to my art, which I think of as a blessing. And thinking back on my question, is that how a submissive is supposed to act? Even thought I don’t know yet if I’m going to be a “sole-submissive” or my husband will step up to become my Dom I want my journal to reflect me and my thoughts AS a submissive.
So… writing them again, re-writing those entries, served me to look back on how things had happened and write each entry focusing on how I felt without overly victimizing anyone, without insults or words of that sort, focusing on how each negative situation affected me and how it could’ve been different by a positive change in both of us. Even if our reality is tough, even if our D/s life has been close to “nonexistent”, what I wish to convey isn’t the negative happenings, but my emotions and my wish for things to improve. It’s not easy… cause my emotions are usually in disarray when something bad happens or something doesn’t happen, but it’s definitely worth it, not because of getting my Dom to read them… but because now I feel those entries feed me as a sub; by reading my devotion and my love for the one I married instead of a contaminated version of our life together.
First I wrote down a message in the first page of my NEW D/s-thoughts-journal, basically saying this new notebook replaced the old one to reflect a better more positive view of my life as a submissive, and then a small note for my Dom, that if he ever reads the journal, I am grateful for his courage and his love for me, acknowledging the difficulty of taking my journal in his hands knowing I could be damning him for his mistakes in it and to remind him I love him, so this journal is a reflection of me, as a submissive and my love for him, as my Dom.
I decided as well, to write at the bottom of each entry a small word of thanks to him, thanking him in each page for that courage and that love he is showing me by continue to read, reminding him that it is difficult for me to admit my own weakness and the pain he makes me feel but that each entry means how committed I am to make this work and more than anything that my love for him is far stronger than whatever negative thing I recorded there.
I’m not sure whether this would help any of you submissives here in Lk’s Warren, I guess I just wanted to share my personal discovery and growth.
Hope you all, also find your own journals fulfilling and feeding your inner sub.
Neko-chan
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5 Replies
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Neko that is amazing!
Something else I read tonight made that same point about hurting your spouse with your words. A good thing to remember that we can express our feelings without attacking. It does take more thought and practice responding that way when that’s what you know.
That is a really good exercise. I hope you ask him to read the new journal. 🙂
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Very wise words Neko, thank you for sharing!
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I’m glad it helped! 🙂 Once you start thinking in this way you will find it easier to continue! HUGS
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I keep a journal that alerts Sir when I finish a “post” and I find it really cathartic. Before we started dating years ago he would read my online blog and I his and we got to know each other better that way. And it is again drawing us closer together as I write and he occasionally writes me notes back in it. It is much easier for me to get my feelings out on “paper” then in words as we discuss. We still discuss but my mind processes slower and deeper then the moments of aftercare/downtime. So I journal and he reads the words I couldn’t put together before.
What I really liked about your post is that when you started over you said you put a note at the bottom for him:
I decided as well, to write at the bottom of each entry a small word of thanks to him, thanking him in each page for that courage and that love he is showing me by continue to read, reminding him that it is difficult for me to admit my own weakness and the pain he makes me feel but that each entry means how committed I am to make this work and more than anything that my love for him is far stronger than whatever negative thing I recorded there.
I haven’t done this so far but as my Sir is very much a words of affirmation person I know it would make a huge impact on his heart as he reviews my writings.
Thank you for taking the time to share.
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Thanks everyone for your kind words. 😀
I’m glad you consider the post helpful and my husband did read one or two of the entries, actually said he found those quite revealing… I’m still writing the journal, although not as often as before, it is quite difficult to get around to do it. We are no longer D/s so it has become a part of how I keep myself grounded, how I remind myself of my submissive nature. It does not serve the same exact purpose as before but I still pretend to use to improve my communication with my husband, hopefully it will work… cause when I open my mouth things don’t usually come out so good.
Thanks again for the comments on this post 🙂
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