-
Lifestyle Questions from a Noob *lengthy text
This is my first official post. I was wary of joining this community, but I thought that the experience of others would help guide me. I did read through many of posts here and think that you all have amassed quite a collection of great advice.
I apologize for the length of this post. My questions are at the bottom if you wish to skip the mass of text.
I have a distinct problem with control. At the drop of a pin I can become a volatile force to be reckoned with. At work I have a commanding presence and people bow their heads in effort to look busy lest I start doling out tasks. I feel that I must have control over all aspects of my life, at all times.
In retrospect, it was rather confusing for me when I started to realize my inclination towards a more submissive lifestyle with my boyfriend. It started slow, but has gradually become something much more than bedroom play now that we have moved in with one another. It is something that I yearn for; I want him to want this.
I can definitely see the difference in his actions when I am appropriately submissive, however the lack of clarity in our relationship is a barrier I am having difficulty confronting.I have done extensive research over the years, and did quite a bit of poking about on the forums here. I’m sure then that some of you will realize that I refer to my partner as my ‘boyfriend’ and not by a respectful title. There is a reason for this. Perhaps this is also telling of my need for control in all aspects of my life.
I WANT for him to accept my submission and name himself my dominant. However it is not a topic we have ever discussed, nor is it a topic that I even know how to begin. We have been together for two years-not long at all. I have never been involved with D/s previously, and he has not expressed any experience or inclination to the lifestyle.
During our everyday life, I FEEL that I must micromanage my work, school, and house upkeep. Though I delegate tasks to him, and our roommate, I still find myself second guessing them. I sometimes feel that I am playing a mother roll; this can be extremely aggravating as well as exhausting. I find myself not willing to submit to him because of these feelings.As well, my roommate (and best friend) does NOT know our kinks in the bedroom. She is accommodating of my dominant personality, and will let me run the household. She would be suspicious and blunt if I began to be outwardly submissive.
How do I approach the topic of a D/s relationship with my partner.
Do you think that in order to have a stable D/s lifestyle the couple must be married? (Is the level of trust and commitment worth anything if the couple is still checking the ‘single’ box while filing taxes?)
Do you think that it is okay for an unofficial submissive to bring up collaring with her unofficial Dominant, or should that conversation be separate, and far flung from the initial D/s conversation with said partner.
How do you approach the subject, if broached by a friend?
-
3 Replies
-
Hello Damsel. I really enjoyed reading your post and as someone who was also quite controlling once upon a time I can see why you found your inclination to submission surprising. My own experience has been that the more submissive I have become and the more I have given up control, the happier and calmer I have become. My Sir has also been able to grow in the space that I have given him. A D/s relationship is based on honesty, communication, trust and respect. These were foundations we hoped to have as a vanilla couple but I don’t think we ever really managed to sustain it. Being submissive and trusting My Dom to meet my needs has meant that my trust in him has grown to a level I hadn’t realised possible.
We have a busy home with our teenagers coming and going and have managed to establish a 24/7 relationship so I believe it possible without it being openly obvious to those who you live with. Your flat mate may notice a change in you being outwardly more respectful to your boyfriend, him playing a key role in decision making, or an atmosphere which is calmer and less confrontational but hopefully she would be accepting of that change.
I would sit with your partner and explain honestly that you are interested in changing the dynamic of your relationship and make sure he knows how and why. If you read LKs blog posts from the beginning then you will be able to get a good idea of how she approached things and will be able to get an idea of how you would like your own relationship to be. You could try printing off some of the ideas and suggestions to read or show to your boyfriend so that he has a clearer idea of what you want from him. If he is interested then I would suggest asking him to join HusDom as that was something that really helped my Sir.
Plenty of unmarried people live a D/s lifestyle. Everyone is different. Some couples are bedroom only and some do not live together. The majority of the submissives on here are either married or in long term relationships but as you are living with your partner then you may have found, as we did, that a lot of the research into D/s didn’t fit with our relationship. Collaring is something that some choose and some don’t but I would take things slowly initially to let you partner have a chance to catch up. In terms of friends, I have only told one and no one has asked. My 16 year old worked it out but that’s another story – I have posted the details on this forum if you are interested in how that went.
Anyway I am concerned that my response is now longer than your post so will end now. I hope that you enjoy the site and that you find some of the answers that you are looking for. I will hopefully meet you in warren chat which is a brilliant place for support, to chat to other likeminded people, or to have your questions answered. All the best. 😀
-
Thank you for your reply, your input is helpful.
I found your wording to be thought-provoking, and your phrasing in particular made me realize how tightly I am holding onto issues that shouldn’t bother me in such a manner. In your first paragraph you note that your “Sir has also been able to grow in the space that I have given him.” Which I believes denotes your ability to devote time and effort into caring for him without resentment. Often I get stuck with feelings of resentment which only pollutes my thoughts with negativity. These thoughts are useless and only leaves him in the dark when my out-of-nowhere tantrums explode.
Communication, on my part, is needed.I did read your thread, about your teenager figuring it out on her own. I do not have children but I imagine that any sort of conversation involving parental figures can be a bit awkward at first. It is impressive that she was very mature about the whole subject.
Scrolling through this site and reading other peoples experiences is quite informative. You are correct in your conclusion that much of the internet research I delved into has produced little information that fit married and long term couples. Much that the internet has to offer is regurgitated information. This forum portrays well thought out concepts and information.
Much more research will need to be done before I can ask him to sit down with me. I would like to have an answer for any question that he might present me…I almost want to make an informative presentation, or power point. -
Hi Damsel. Downtime is what has really helped me with handing over some of the control I had. I felt before that I had to make sure things happened or no one else would. I have found that during downtime Sir really listens to me. Because I know this, I am comfortable that he will make the best decision as he considers my feelings when doing so. He now takes the time to ask and tries to really understand. Before I would blurt things out as and when they happened. He’d be caught off guard and wouldn’t always be able to give the issue the attention I wanted. The result was often minimal discussion. I felt that he didn’t listen and nagged him a bit, raising the issue again when I next saw an opportunity. He felt that he was always one step behind as my head was always so full with things, that I would jump from one thing to another and he wouldn’t see the connection. I lived a lot inside my head, processing things on my own, and he wasn’t part of that. Now I will make a note of the things I’d like to discuss – new ideas for scenes, direction of our relationship, things to do with the family etc. Sir will arrange downtime when we are alone, without distractions, and we give each other our undivided attention. We both listen as the other shares their views, ideas and opinions. It can be quite emotional but amazingly supportive. I feel that we need this level of communication to bring about the emotional connection and intimacy in the same way as we need the sex to bring about the physical connection and intimacy we share.
Doing research is vital and reading on here will, I think, help you to develop a good idea of how you want your relationship with you Sir to be. I don’t think you could ever answer all questions though. I am no expert at this although my relationship is established and I am ‘living the lifestyle’and yet I still have questions all the time. That is what’s great about this community – there are lots of helpful people to ask. If your Sir asks you something you can’t answer then you can both try to figure it out together. That is often part of the fun. If he is willing to try and wants support in how to manage his part then I would stongly recommend he registers on HusDom and speaks with some of the guys on there. My Sir has found that so helpful and I know lots of ladies on here who say the same. I hope that you are finding your answers and that you are feeling more comfident about approaching your partner with how you feel. All the best. MrsW 😀
Log in to reply.