JUST LISTEN TO ME!!

[loving-liege]

MyWolfsPrey,

I am so sorry to hear that your dynamic has dropped. The issues you raise are very real and it is obvious you want this dynamic for very valid and real reasons. Your Sirs commitment to the dynamic is critical as you both must be on the same page. I presume that since he wanted this dynamic he will find out what he needs to do to make it work. We over on husDom are always willing to give advice and counsel for those truly interested in finding their way.

My advice is to let this ride itself out for a while. Be mindful of why you want the dynamic, why you need it and how much you love your Sir. I recently had an eye opener myself which made me rethink and reevaluate why we are here. It is not something that is insignificant in the effort required of the Dom nor the sub. It requires more communication and trust than anything I have ever experienced. I wonder if your Sir has simply become overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start or how to proceed. It is hard being the Dom when you are suppose to know what to do when you are still learning.

I hope you both find the path back as it is such a loving and caring dynamic.

My best to you and Sir.

Loving Liege

[ssb]

MWP,
That has got to be one of the most frustrating feelings in the world for you right now. I’m so sorry.
The dynamic is something that requires effort from both sides. Loving Leige brings up a good point that maybe your Sir is overwhelmed…

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wiping the slate clean and starting fresh. Just start with maybe one very simple rule that you can both follow and build from there.

Our dynamic works best with simple, easy rules. My Sir and I both work full time and we have a kid so we just kind of take it day by day.

I hope that helps. My heart aches for you. I know what its like to want it so bad and then see your partner not put forth that same effort. Give it time lady.

♡SSB

[takara]

MyWolfsPrey,

Hearing the anguish and frustration in your words speaks to how much you love your Sir, and how much you desire this dynamic.

i think Loving Liege offers great insight and excellent advice. Taking a step back to allow you and Sir time to reevaluate, reconnect and communicate, being brutally honest with each other about your desires and fears may be a good place to start.

i pray you continue to come onto LK’s site to allow us all to offer you our love, friendship and support, as well as hoping your Sir can find the Dom counterpart to that on husDom.
Sending you lots of hugs.

Take care,
takara

[pixiegirl]

MyWolfsPrey,

I feel for you and can fully understand your frustration.
Apart from a few suggestions, the only thing I can really offer is a willing ear. Please dont hesitate to mail me anytime if you want to chat!

Extended downtime is probably for the best until you both figure things out.

Here are some of my suggestions- you know your Sir best. These might or might not work for you.

If your Sir is truely overwhelmed, it might be helpful to him if you sat down and wrote out for him exactly what D/s means to you, why does it feel right, which parts of it speaks to you, your soul. Also write down clearly what you see both your roles are, define your submissiveness, but also define what your research has let you think your Sir’s role is. It will give him an idea what your expectations are.
What qualities do you see in him that makes him a Dominant in your eyes, what does he do already that lets you see his Dominant traits. Spell it out for him. As a sub you have rules and responsibilities, but so does he as a Dominant.
Write it respectfully, let him see your love and admiration.

All your research might be some of the problem? If you build up a picture in your head of what a Dom is, a sub is meant to be, a dynamic looks like, you will run into problems straight away. No two dynamics are the same.

As your Sir, he might never fit your ideal Dom! Be prepared for him finding his own path

Write out what makes you struggle with submission and why, ask him for solutions. Keep the rules simple, one or two to start with. Pick the important stuff first.
He doesnt necessarily need to spend hours researching, many Dom’s dont. You’ve probably talked to him regularly about things you’ve read? Ask him if he could find time to read 10 minutes a day, it soon mounts up.

Tell him your commitment to him is complete and D/s dynamic or not you are sticking with him ( if that is how you feel of course). Give him reassurance and support, remember he’s learning as well 😉

Finally, ask him if he still wants this dynamic and give him time to work out where he wants to go from here.

Hopefully you find a solution, try and stay positive

We’re all here for you

Love

pixie

[Unknown Member]

Pixie, I know this thread is a bit old, but it’s so helpful. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful advice.

[nameless]

MWP and I have discovered that we are very much in sync when it comes to D/s. So I do soak up some of the advice given now. But my problem has a slightly different angle:

I only have an online/phone dynamic with my Sir, so far. It wasn’t meant to be like this. We’ve been talking for three months, and twice I backed out, because it got too intense for me. Sir has past D/s experience, I don’t, and there I was, kneeling next to my bed for a voice on the other end of a phone. I’ve never done that before. The very next day I went to buy a gag, on his request. Exiting at first, but then really scary, because was He even who He claimed to be? I still have no way of knowing.

But after I had quit the second time, I discovered that I was checking my phone constantly to see if there was a message from Him. I decided that if He did get in touch again, I would stop pushing Him away. And He DID write me, and I was over the moon happy about it! But the timing was again awful…

Sir is going through some personal issues, including some surgery, and He started changing His behaviour. Being absent, lacking interest. Finally He called a break. He had worked so hard to stop me from pushing Him away, and now He did it to me. It was extremely hurtful. That was when I found LK’s site, and thank God for that!

Five days “break”, and then Sir realised He missed me too much. I was happy that He missed me, but it’s been so confusing lately. Emotions all over the place, and I don’t have room for very much right now, as I came down with stress a few months back, and I have a big 100km/60 mile walking challenge for fundraising on next month, demanding a lot of my physical and mental energy.

I talked to Sir today, and told Him I think our conversations are missing the vanilla part. We don’t know each other well enough, and His questions are always what, when, where, with whom and wearing what. The other day I told Him I had booked a lesson with a new singing teacher next week. His reply was “Ok have fun”. When getting to know each other, to me there should have been questions such as “I didn’t know you took singing lessons”, “Are you any good?” etc. I feel like He has no interest in me other than the D/s side of things. And vanilla is, whether we like it or not, what forms the base, because no one can avoid the vanilla. We can only put D/s on top of vanilla.

I suggested that Sir visits husDom, either just to read, or maybe to talk to some of the other husDoms. But He doesn’t want to talk to others. He thinks it’s enough just being Him and I. I’m clearly not able to convey my thoughts to Him the way I want to, so I would like Him to talk to someone else. To get over the idea of it just having to be the two of us. D/s isn’t us against the world. Quite the opposite: we have two worlds, vanilla and D/s. And even if He doesn’t want to talk about the emotional side, then at least read the posts about the “technical” stuff, how to use toys properly, so I don’t get hurt unintentionally.

Sorry for my long rant. I hope that no one will think badly of my Sir when I’m telling this. He’s doing what He thinks is best. But it’s not what I need. He says we will meet soon, but to me it’s still just a voice on the other end of a phone, and I have anxiety attacks relating to the thought that He could be a fake, my pictures could be on a number of dodgy websites, I don’t know. I’m sticking with this despite my anxiety, because He has heard a lot about my background and not run away from it, He never raises His voice with me, He makes sure I take time to relax when I’m stressed out. I need Him to be real. And I need Him to talk to other Doms, so maybe He would understand better why I ask Him for certain things.

[bratty]

Hi nameless,

I was very interested in your post. In my opinion, you sound like such a wonderful person with a wide variety of interests that I cannot see why anyone would not want to talk with you about the “other” vanilla things you do. But then, I am not a Dom, nor am I your Sir. Every relationship is unique. Having said that, I do have some experience with online Doms, and I would very gently suggest caution and safety as you proceed. I have been with several Doms I met online (some several years ago and some as recently as two years ago.) The minority of them were very nice men who wanted what I did: a good time with no strings attached (that’s what I wanted back then) and some experience. I was just starting out. Two of them were awful and scared me. Most of them I only met with one time only because I was too scared to go further. It took me many years before I found a very wise older Dom who refused to meet with me until we had talked and texted for many many months. He taught me so much about D/s, life, and myself.

What is paramount is your personal safety. I know this now. If and when you do meet any Dom for the first time, be sure someone you know well, knows where you are going (make it a public place) and tell them you will be calling them at a specific time. Set your phone timer so you don’t forget! Don’t agree to go anywhere with the Dom the first time and be sure they can give you a reference of a friend you can call. Any reliable Dom will have NO PROBLEM doing this! If they won’t, THERE IS A PROBLEM. I am telling you this, even though I don’t know you, not to scare you, but for your protection.

Never ever agree to sex unless He uses a condom until you know Him and His history well. You could end up with any number of terrible illnesses. Never agree to something you are uncomfortable with! A good Dom will NEVER force you! It is about respect and trust.
I once had a so-called Dom tell me he knew I was a submissive, and when I asked him how he knew, he would/could not answer. That to me is not a Dom. I once met with a man who forced me to do things I hated to do and told him previously I didn’t want to do. That is no Dom, he was a cruel sadist. I “may” be a masochist, but it must be consensual!

I would be happy to talk with you more and I wish you loads of luck as you start your journey!

[nameless]

Thank you Sassy 🙂 it was nice to get a different view on things. Just to ensure everyone: I am always very careful when I meet a date for the first time. Brilliantly displayed when my safety-friend who asked me last time I went exclusive with a guy “Can I delete your list of man-friends now?”, haha.

I spoke to Sir about my worries a few days ago. He said He was sorry that I felt like He wasn’t taking an interest in me as a person, but that I should know that He was always listening and taking in everything that I told Him. It did help a bit, and He is a bit more proactive now.

Right now we’re just in a phase where one minute He makes me feel like the most beautiful thing on earth, and the next I feel completely inadequate without it being His intention. But when you’re at the other end of a text message, things do get lost in translation. And He’s lived the D/s lifestyle a lot longer than me, so I’m starting from scratch with everything, in particular wardobe and accessories, and if He could have His way, we’d be a lot further ahead, and I would have several outfits to choose between. But it’s an expensive lifestyle, and I can’t spend every dime on it. It will have to be a slow process of building up costumes and toybox.

My concern wasn’t really what would happen when I meet Him. It is rather will I get to meet Him at all? It’s been 3½ months now, and it is extremely hard wanting someone so much, but not being able to have them. I’m scared that I am spending my time (and money) on someone who will turn out to be a fake, and I’ll end up looking like a complete and utter moron. I’m 31 now, and I’ve never had a long term relationship. Last boyfriend was six years ago, and before that five years earlier. Both relationships ended beyond badly. One in suicide and one with the guy turning out to be a compulsive liar and being booted of to military by his family to get back on the straight. Because of that I’ve been extremely cautious with letting anyone in, but the first time Sir called me, I instantly knew something was about to change. If this turns out to be me just having built castles in the sky, there will be a lot of self-loathing on my part. I get small anxiety attacks these days, because until I’m either face to face with Him, or until He admits we will never meet, then I don’t know what will happen. And God forbid anything should happen to Him before we meet, I would have no way of knowing. He would just stop contacting me, and I would not know why.

I’ve handed over control to Him, willingly, because I need that. But it’s making me a giant ball of equal amounts of happiness and misery. And I’m not sure if I’ll be able to complete my challenge next month if I’m constantly bursting in to tears for no apparent reason and my mind not being able to focus completely on the task ahead. I’m hoping with all that I’ve got in me, that He will make the right decisions over the coming month, and help me get to the finish line. But right now it’s hard for me to see how it will play out.