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I was new.. and I wanted those RULES
So when we started this new dynamic I was SO ready… .I had already been thinking about it for awhile.. I had ideas flying around in my head I couldn’t wait. I had built up this image in my head of what our life would look like in this exciting new lifestyle. He had not been thinking all of those things for as long as me. I never communicated my private thoughts to him. SO by the time we started, I was way ahead of him. I had taken time to research some things and had time to think a few things through.
So when it began he was, what seemed like, years behind me in thought. I am an impatient submissive. It is constantly something I struggle with. Having been the one that always ran the house and all things that go with it, I couldn’t believe this was taking him so long to “get”. He was inconsistent. He would be in the mindset one day, then I wouldn’t see it again for a week. My submission wasn’t enough to push him into just getting everything right away. He needed exactly what I already had.. time to figure it all out. He needed to figure out who he was as a dominant and what that looked like to him, and what it should look like to him when I was submissive. When he figured all that out it started rolling smoother. Sometimes we still are… we are constantly reevaluating our dynamic based on new interests and our life to accommodate changes.When the ball started rolling we got to the rules. I wanted rules to follow, I wanted consequence. I wanted some “funishments” also. I was like GIVE ME ALL OF THEM, GIVE ME TONS!! I CAN DO IT!! There is a lot of “I” in all of that. Problem is, this is a two person dynamic… even if I did all of them everyday without fail (and I didn’t I totally took on too much and set myself up for failure there) he still would have to come through everyday without fail with rewards and punish or funishments…. and he didn’t. For each time I remembered to do something I expected a reward… when he had his mind elsewhere and I got no acknowledgment I would get bratty.. hoping for a punishment.. but nothing. He needed more time and I jut didn’t see that.. I had to be more patient for him to catch up to where I was going a 100 miles an minute!! All my impatience did was cause vanilla fights and we were right back where we started. ugh.
We did this for awhile.. up up up… then crash and down down down…. his consistency was zero… his effort was dwindling… my submissive side was dwindling as I was going to try if he wasn’t.. we were 7 ways from sunday messed up.. TOO MANY RULES AND WE CRASHED. I had been told that.. I had been advised to take things slow, be patient.. but I didn’t want to.
So one day we communicated.. (LK talks about this as one of the KEY things in D/s there is a blog post on it.) I told him what all of this looked like in my mind if it was a perfect day… he told me what he imagined in that perfect day. Our ideas were similar in some ways, different in others.. but mostly, we realized we both WANT THIS, we both are willing to try over and over again if that what it takes and this time we were both a little more experienced through failure and had more information to work with because we communicated.
So we started again. He dommed up like he hadn’t before, like wow. When I asked for a bunch of rules, he said no. NO??? what? Ia m not in charge? NOPE. I am a submissive. and he said no. and guess what? I LOVED IT. He started us with one rule and he focused most of our time on rituals to keep our mindsets going. assigning collars for the day, his choice of panties etc. Many doms will do this and I am telling you. It helps to establish those rituals and it keeps you in the mindset. It makes you force your -usually in charge of everything self- to remember that you are a submissive. With a bunch of kids at home and me still running those rugrats all day, being in charge, I am STILL HIS SUBMISSIVE. it’s not always easy, but he helps me with those rituals.
I have like 2 rules now, 2. We are in this over a year now.. I am in no hurry to ask for more. Our rituals help me and I have learned that slow and steady will take us to higher dynamic faster believe it or not. We have to be consistent in the dynamic we have now before we add anything else to it. Some things feel second nature to us now.. some we are still working on. So when you feel yourself being impatient like I was in the beginning with your NEW dynamic.. try to learn from my mistakes and just take it slow and steady. I would encourage everyone also to use your downtimes as much as you can to do that communicating.. get all of those thoughts and images out of your head into the open and let him share them. He will need those. Best of luck subbies!! We are all here if you need us!
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12 Replies
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Charmed I LOVED reading this. Took me back to those first 2 years. The struggle is real. Just a great insight for new submissives and a reminder that if your running ahead your not following. I could relate to so much of what you wrote. Thank you for sharing. Really loved it.
❤Jsbunny -
You have no idea how much I needed to hear every single bit of this. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
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Jsbunny,
If you loved reading this, stay tuned, I am sure I will have more to write later to help everyone not feel alone in the ups and downs 😉
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Charmed, this is a great reminder. I still struggle at times with impatients and with wanting some ideal I’ve made up in my head. But overall, my Sir and I are both committed to this lifestyle and our marriage is stronger than ever.
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Happy that my experience could help mrsMoore!!
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Hisgirl,
I hear you. Stronger now, but patience will always be a weak spot for me… just keep swimming.. just keep swimming!
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You did what so many of us did and what we see so many newer subbies still do. We want it all and don’t want to wait! I am proud of your progress (even if it took some skinned knees to get there) and I think you guys have the tools you need now to keep growing!
Smooches,
V -
BRAVO! What you just described is what most new DEMANDING submissives go through when they get on site. You learn your role of submission sometimes the hard way. What I describe in this post,https://submrs.com/submissive-lessons-run-fall-scrape-knees/ .
You eventually run so long that you give up then IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH, you decide to take it slow, small steps are the way to bigger ones.
Congrats Charmed! You are on your way! I am so happy I can help you in your journey!
HUGS!
lk
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Love this! You describe what so many of us have gone through in some fashion. Thanks for writing it.
Hugs y’all!
pearl -
You might as well as add my signature to your post! Seriously! My thoughts, expectations, and results are very much the same as described. I remember when I was advised by many of the more experienced subMrs to “take things slow”, “be patient”, “start with only 1 or 2 rules”, “work on the foundations”, and “focus on your submission and what YOU can be doing”. All wonderful and truthful advice!
sub-Hugs!
suMarie -
Charmed!!! This is an awesome post. You have gained such wisdom in your journey. Thank you so much for sharing it. 🙂
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I really needed to read this. I knew about taking it slow but no one every said rituals first. Maybe my Love and I can talk about it.
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