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How D/s-M is saving my marriage, self confidence, and past abuse.
I have always been a submissive personality and taken to caring for people close to me. That being said, my subservient attitude has betrayed me and allowed me to stay around people who have not always had my best interests at heart. It was my 12th birthday when my sister’s husband started sexually abussing me. I did not know what to think, say, or do about it so I just pretended to be sleeping, hoping he would stop and go away. He didn’t. This went on until after I turned 15. He made his intentions clear and said he wanted to penatrate me and asked if it I wanted him too. I said no. He left the room and I never went to his house to sit for my sister’s kids again. I knew that my younger sisters did though and the burden and guilt haunted me for years. From there I did a downward spiral. I let a married man seduce me into a sexual relationship with him at the age of 17. I told him no penatration. One night we were together and he told me I was too beautiful for him to hold back anymore. He had to make love to me. My submissive, nurturing, and by this point self destructive self did nothing to stop him. And if I am honest, in the heat of the moment, I probably wanted it as much as he did. And so the theme continued. Going from man to man includding another married man. I was so numb I began to think of men as nothing more than I sexual tool to be used and disguarded. That’s when I met another man at work and he was married. Or so I thought. He was actually separated and in the process of a divorce. I thought I would use him for my pleasure and hoped he would use me for his own. Then I would move on to the next one. But i came to realize he wasn’t like all the other men who were willing to use me and just move on. We did have sex shortly after meeting but he would start coming around just to hang out and for dinner. He took me out on pretty much my first date. We made a date one evening for him to spend the night so we could “connect” and he ended up leaving after dinner and just hanging out. The note read something to the the effect of how he didn’t want to get ahead of himself but he had a really good feeling about us and he wants to be sure it’s not just a sexual thing between us. I had never been turned down before. I was a little hurt and confused. I thought maybe he had another woman and he thought he had picked the wrong one to spend his night with. Well fast forward 14 years later and I am still his one and only. But after we were married I let my high expectations get in the way of our happiness. Life got in the way and things did not go according to plan. If I asked him to change career path for something that pays better he did. If I wanted to move because the house wasn’t “big” enough for our family we did. If I asked him to get a second job to play catch up on finances he did. He began to feel no matter what he said or did it wasn’t good enough and he was right. I needed more than he could give and I may as well have told him as much. We both let each other down so many times. Our relationship was non existent. I hated who I was and even worse I had given up on our marriage. I thought as long as he went to work, sent me the paycheck to support our kids it would be enough of a relationships for me. I was wrong. No matter how hard I tried not to I needed him. Sure we had sex but intimacy was none existent. We were polor opposites in the bedroom. I wanted it all the time. He almost never wanted it. Even when we were dating I knew I had a stronger sex drive than he did. There even came a time we went 11 months and 23 days without having even so much as four play. No kissing that wasn’t a goodbye kiss. I guess he missed it then because he was the one who told me how long it had been😊. I started to resent how much I needed him. I felt like I was making him come to bed with me. I would cry on my couch for weeks while he would “play” on his computer till late into the night. Sometimes into early morning. Then he would just walk right past me and go to bed. I came to find out what he was really doing on the computer by accident. I didn’t even go looking. He was just so careless, he didn’t even try to hide it. I felt like he had been cheating on me with a computer! He was giving his married sexual self to a thing and hundreds of other women. That’s the way I saw it and still do. I decided then I just didn’t have the mental, emotional, or even physical energy to continue our marriage. I confronted him about it and eventually he admitted what he was doing. He said he would stop. After many long talks and many sleepless nights full of crying and yelling. I decided I would not let this ruine our marriage. I had to get back what we had lost. Then after the holidays and new year I find out that I am pregnant with our 7th baby. Money couldn’t be tighter. Better job prospects non. And that’s when I find another back log of Internet sites that go back 3 weeks! I said I have to be done! Whatever we had is long gone and can’t be rebuilt. I don’t have anything more to give or change about myself! I am in my early 30’s 5ft. A slim 100lbs. Most men would consider me attractive. I am certainly not ugly but apparently my husband thought I was as ugly as Medusa because of all the nagging, hostility, and lack of respect I threw his way. I’m not excusing what he did. I am just saying this is what had happened. He said he was sorry and that in the past two days he had made a resolve to never do it again and that he needed my help and support to get through this. I didn’t know what to think anymore. But for the sake of our family I had to try again. I started to realize how much our fighting for position was hurting our marriage. I am not a dominant person by nature. I just felt like he wasn’t dominant enough so I had to take over the role. I started a search for D/s married relationship online and I came upon Husdom.com I knew from the minute I started reading that this was exactly what I was looking for in my relationship. I always wanted my husband to be the dominant and because he didn’t seem to fit into my expectations of a dominant I assumed the position. It turns out. He had assumed that my way of doing things was the way I wanted them done. Which in a way is true but also missguided. I wanted a man who would take charge with authority. Tell me no when he needed to. Tell me yes when he needed to. I have always liked being spanked and and my hair pulled. I had even taken to calling him Daddy while in bed but my submission was not always well received. But now he enjoys spanking almost as much as I like getting it! This dynamic has shown me that all submission is not poor thinking. I submitted to my abuser. I submitted to my married boss and others who only looked at me as weak for doing so. I came to think all submission was weak. But now I have found strength in submission. I am more confident in my body. In my mind and I am still working on my judgement and not second guessing myself all the time. I finally realized I have been submitting to all the wrong people and there is strength in submission if submitting to the right person. My Sir and I are now the happiest we have ever been in our lives since we met and even before. I just wish it didn’t take so long for us to figure this out and waste so much time being less than what we are today. All the hurt we caused each other. But if that’s what it took to get us here I guess it was all worth it. I don’t ever want to look back again😀
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