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Expectations
Having expectations has always been a struggle for me. Often times I find myself having a disgruntled attitude, being snappy or sullen with my husDom, or just in general…feeling unhappy. When I truly stop and analyze where my thoughts are going, I find that almost 100% of the time, the cause is that I had an expectation that wasn’t met. Sometimes, I think they are valid expectations…reasonable ones, or expectations that are based on discussions and agreements that have been made regarding our DS, but are lacking the follow through. That is not always his fault. It may be that he just forgot, or life was too busy, or he recognized that it wasn’t best for me for us to play at that time, regardless of our previous plans or how much I think I want it. These are valid reasons for a REASONABLE expectation to not be met. I am working on changing my thinking to recognize that these things happen and I have to put on my big girl panties and just move on.
In addition to REASONABLE expectations not being met, more often I struggle with dealing with my UNreasonable expectations not being met. Often times it is because Sir and I just think about D/s differently. I am pretty much obsessed. I think about our D/s every day all day. Everywhere we go, I immediately locate and fantasize about all of the tie down points in the room. When we have 10 minutes alone, I have already thought of 15 different ways he could use that time to do unspeakable and delicious things to me. While I’m working, driving, cooking, cleaning, reading stories to the kids, sitting in worship at church, interpreting for Deaf people, talking on the phone, etc, etc….I am thinking about and planning D/s play. Sir is not. He is focused on whatever task he has at hand, and that is all. He doesn’t fantasize. He doesn’t have the creative mind that I have when it comes to planning scenes. He is proper, careful, organized, and traditional. Thinking outside the box is a stretch for him. Everything has a time and a purpose, and it is very rare that he sees thing outside of that black and white window. So, often times my expectations are based on my imagination…all of the things that COULD happen, but don’t. Sometimes I take it personally. My thinking naturally goes to negative. I would convince myself that he didn’t take advantage of that play opportunity because he doesn’t care. He isn’t interested in me. I’m not sexy. I’m a terrible submissive…and on and on. I get angry, pouty and sullen. The more I internalize, the worse it gets. I end up being disrespectful and angry, and he has no idea why. I am working on letting go of the control of this. I am working on letting him decide when and where we play, and trying to learn to ask instead of pout. Sir has said it is okay to make my desires known, but not okay to tell him what he SHOULD have done. I’m working on it.
The holiday season makes all of this harder. In some ways, I have more time on my hands, but in other ways we are both busier. The “specialness” of the holidays and the celebrations translate to more expectation in my head. It is hard to even maintain our regular play dates, DT, and rituals…let alone add anything new and special. Everyone else is doing “12 Days of Kinkmas”, and we’re not. This translates to disappointment. I want special toys and D/s related Christmas gifts, but there is little in our budget for that…and honestly, Sir has just about every toy he could possibly want after being in “the scene” for so many years. It’s hard to find something new or something that doesn’t seem like a waste of money to him. All of these things are making more expectations….more frustration. My Sir is kind and generous to me. If I ask, he almost always will give, but if I get what I want and I feel that I forced it, I feel disappointed and empty…manipulative. How do you all deal with expectations in your D/s? Especially with the holidays. Do your expectations change seasonally? Do you struggle with handling expectations, met or otherwise? - 4 Replies
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Have you tried keeping a fantasy journal or notepad of ideas? Something he could have access to when he wants some creative ideas he could use or mix and match into scenes he already is planning??
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Hi Angelica,
I 100% understand how you are feeling. Before D/s-m my sir would send me sexy texts during the day and I’d get home from work excitedly await until the kids were in bed to play. Then he’d go to bed early or just watch tv and ignore me. I felt like I had failed in some way. Then I was frustrated and upset, crying some nights but not all. My brain told me that obviously I had done something wrong or wasn’t sexy enough. I would then think back thinking maybe I misunderstood somewhere along the way, just to have it happen all over again a different night. It was especially frustrating if we had sex the night before (so he desired me enough for that) but I knew he had no intention to do anything with me at all as we never (I would underline the never but I can’t figure out how) had sex two nights in a row. So what happened?? What went wrong?In those situations I never asked. I didn’t want him to pitty me and have sex because he felt like he should cause I asked or was crying. I found out later on when we started D/s-m that it wasn’t me it was him. Kind of cliche but true. He is honest with me now and it seems to be all in his head. One thing was that he didn’t want to bother me. Hence why he was only touching me every other day, even if on the “on” day we wouldn’t be able to because of other known ahead plans. So if he left me alone every other night he wouldn’t be too much of a bother on the “on” nights. Another thing was that he was over thinking it. He was trying to get it “just so” in his head to just have something “go wrong” like dinner was 10 minutes later than he wanted. It would throw him off completely.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it could also be in your sir’s head. He could be way over thinking what he wants to do just to get paralized and do nothing. I can see it being the case especially with all of the other sirs posting about the 12 days of kinkmas and him feeling left behind in some way. Maybe you can ask him about it. I didn’t even think my sir would think that, but alas my crystal ball wasn’t working and he finally fessed up.
I hope you can work through it because I know it hurts and that hurt takes a long time to heal.
lots of hugs
Terenya -
Dear friends,
I was catching up in the forums just now and am in awe of all of the wonderful ideas that subs have shared to make the holidays bright. I am in grouchy sub-mode. My adult daughter is home, so there is little privacy to be found, Sir is crazy busy at work, my son has practice every day, and I am exhausted trying to find new, small family appropriate traditions for our family. We have not had a bondage scene, my fav, in a long time. I miss it because it is what takes those ugly emotions out of my head. He is not taking the time to verbally or physically bind/restrain me during play. This really messes with my mindset more than anything else. This is kind of a vent I guess. xxoo Thanks for reading 🙂
Regards,
Belle-
Belle! You have once again hit a nail on the head for me! I didn’t know how to dig out what I was feeling enough to put it into words. “He is not taking the time to verbally or physically restrain me in play”..YES! That messes with my head, too. I couldn’t pinpoint it until I saw your words. You have given me something to think about and bring to Sir in our next DT, which will probably be some time in 2019. LOL! Hang in there, girl. We’re all in this together. 🙂
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