Do you think this is normal?

[Kaninchen]

Sophie, First let me tell you Normal.. is not the same for anyone. Maybe natural or more common may work in that question. We are not advising or telling you what is right or wrond but talking from our own experiences in our own D/s-M’s. I can tell you from my mentoring hundreds of submissives what their experiences may have been. But with that said, subspace is different for each submissive. What you describe sounds like subspace. Please go into the blog and read posts about subspace and safe words. Safe Words are just a must especially if you are in D/s-M less then 2 years, they are your safety net. Sophie, I would need a lot of background info before I could expand on your issue with safe wording. If you want to Private message me with any questions please do so and I can get back to you asap. Thank you for posting here in the forum. Little Kaninchen… Please have your Sir regisiter on http://www.husDOM.com so he can get the info he may need to grow in his Dominance and know the importance of the issues you mentioned above. Again, thank you sooo much! XOXO LK

[subsoph]

Thanks! I understand “normal” is relative, and I only expect to find out what has been the case for others. I think the reasons I use that kind of verbiage relate to my job – I’m a psychotherapist. I have this nasty habit of analyzing everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) all the time…it’s exhausting. And needless to say it’s certainly made it more of a challenge switching from bedroom only to 24/7.

I have come to the conclusion that I believe my reticence in using safewords probably comes from my perfectionistic tendencies, which I understand to be ridiculous. I didn’t even realize that I HAD a reluctance to use them until a couple days ago.

Yes, Sir has an account as HusDom as well. 🙂

[Unknown Member]

I found this interesting and talked it over with my Sir. We tend to play well within our limits so for us a safeword is an indication getting outside of our intended range. In that regard my using a safeword might be interpreted as a failure to stay within our intended range. If we played nearer our edges or if I sought out subspace deliberately we wouldn’t see a safeword as a negative thing but rather as a guidepost that we’re at or near the right intensity. Does that make sense? If your Sir typically stays within your boundaries (like mine with me) that might be why you see a safeword as a negative thing or be hesitant to use one. I am sometime hesitant because I don’t want to disappoint him and I also want to know if I can take a bit more. I am much more likely to use our pause/ease-up-for-a-moment safeword (yellow) than I am our halt-everything safeword (red).

I recently read a great article about safewords listing why safewords often fail: many subs are rendered non-verbal by S&M experiences, if the sub hasn’t practiced using the safeword it can be forgotten in the heat of the moment, the sub may be more focused on pleasing their Dom than on their own safety, the sub doesn’t realize they are in trouble, the Dom doesn’t recognize the safeword because it’s being yelled or whispered, the Dom is in a groove at that moment so they are focused on the play and not the sub’s safety. Safewords are a very good thing to have and should be practiced. A Dom also needs to check in with their sub from time to time to make sure they are doing okay, as your Dom did with you.

[Veruca]

Subsoph,
The first (and only) time I called RED, was a disappointing moment for me because I felt like I let Sir down…but it was a fleeting feeling. It was so much more important to my Sir that I was OK rather than if I can “take it”. When I saw the concern on his face, my insecure feelings melted away and I understood completely why it was a good thing. He would’ve felt terrible if I hadn’t used my word and continued and possibly hurt me (and it wasn’t the good hurt). I have called YELLOW a few times as well and it has provided us great opportunities for figuring out TTWD and pushing our limits, but at the same time recognizing when things didn’t work. My Sir ultimately wants nothing more than to take me above and beyond during play, but he NEEDS to know where to go and which paths are best left alone. And sometimes it has given me an opportunity to discover things about my body….like when I am ovulating, I am a lot more sensitive to nipple clamps, etc. Knowing that I am to use my safe words when I need to also allows me to relax because I know that if he takes me in a direction that I cannot handle or if something just isn’t right, it will be handled immediately and he will not allow any harm to befall me.

[subsoph]

That was such a wonderful response Beth and Veruca! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels a real sense of disappointment when safe words are used. We don’t have the yellow/red just one safeword (mercy). I think that it would be an interesting idea to implement a cautionary word as well. It seems to have worked out well for you ladies! 🙂

Beth I especially liked your statement “If we played nearer our edges or if I sought out subspace deliberately we wouldn’t see a safeword as a negative thing but rather as a guidepost that we’re at or near the right intensity.” I think this resonates with me regarding my previous experience because we were stepping up the intensity to a point we hadn’t been before. This is one thing that I love about this community…no matter what is going on SOMEONE else has been through it and can share their experiences!

Thanks so much!
Sophie

[Veruca]

Sophie,
We use red and yellow because if I call red, EVERYTHING stops…there is no continuation.
If I call yellow, it’s just more of a, “I’m ok, but something isn’t right or this is a bit too intense, please slow down or ease up.”
It works well for us and like I said, has been a great learning tool. I haven’t called a yellow in a while, but I am sure as Sir continues to push my limits (like I’ve asked him to) they will possibly pop out of my mouth.
They are a good thing, the right thing and the only way Sir will have it while engaging with me during play.

[Unknown Member]

I think a lot of subs worry about disappointing their Doms. We need to realize using our safewords to help our Doms keep us safe is important. I know I am so eager to please my partner, it’s sometimes hard to remember that helping him keep me safe is part of pleasing him. After discussing this he said that we will be practicing using safewords and signals so I am less hesitant to use them and he is more familiar with hearing and seeing them even. I’m glad we could help you. And I’m glad this prompted a wonderful discussion between me and my Sir. Thanks!

[Unknown Member]

Great thought shares … Yes, all of us can only share our D/s thoughts and walk …For me …

Fully, TRUSTING my Hus/Dom has let us BOTH go farther ..as LK says ..Down the Rabbit hole YUMMY! Today , I don’t feel guilty or that I am disappointing Sir if, I use any of my safe words. Because , we both totally understand ..for us …If I didn’t and I got hurt, scared ..It would set us back …shake me up !

Curvey

[whispersweet]

I almost feel like a safeword does more for the dom than the sub in the relationship. Knowing that it is there, and trusting that his sub will use it if and when necessary is the only way a good loving dom can truly relax into his role and be the husDom both of them want him to be.

My own Sir at first didn’t see the importance in having a safeword, believing he knew me so well, it was unnecessary; he would be able to read me. But at some point he mentioned that he was having trouble letting go, and really getting into it, because he was worried about hurting me, and he decided that if we had a safeword in place, and he knew he could depend on me to use it, things might fall more into place. So far I have never needed to use it. The closest I have come is our version of “yellow,” which is actually “Wait!” But it works for us!

[rrsub]

WhisperSweet I think that is spot on!
My sir requires the use of safe words. He made it a rule because I wasn’t being verbal enough and his priority is my pain, my pleasure and above all my care and safety.