Communication

[Unknown Member]

Hi Natasha.

I really liked your post and agree with you that strong communication is the key to a strong relationship but it can be difficult especially when emotions get in the way. Like you I am quite empathetic and I worry about hurting others’ feelings. Things that happen to us cause us to have certain thoughts which then feed our feelings and affect our behaviour. I have found that looking at it like this means that I am able to explain it more easily to my Sir. Not all thoughts are truths but they can affect the way that you feel if you listen to them. If I share this with my Sir then he understands and can explain why he might have reacted as he did etc. I try to think it through myself so that I can explain it to him.

So I take an incident and go back over my thoughts – maybe I tried on a dress to wear out and he didn’t say much about it and so I thought that he didn’t like it, or didn’t think I looked good. Then I think about my feelings – I feel unattractive and a bit rejected. Then I think about how I behaved – maybe I go quiet and decide that I have to find something else to wear or that I actually don’t want to go out anymore. Once I have thought it through I try to communicate it to my Sir in the same way. I also often end up apologising if my behaviour was off! So I remind him of the event and then explain what it made me think and feel. Sir will then tell me what happened from his point of view – often he has been busy with something else and there was no reason for me to feel the way I did. Sometimes we will talk about what we need to fix things so maybe I need some reassurance etc. Maybe this seems an odd way of dealing with things but I have found that I can see it clearly and explain it to him too.

It has helped to strengthen our communication and it is something we both use if things have gone wrong in a situation. Maybe your Sir could even prompt you if you find it hard but if you have called downtime so that you can discuss it then he will know that there is something up. Hopefully you will be able to get an A plus for your efforts lol.

Love missy xx

[Unknown Member]

I often use Google for finding “how to” information. My Sir says “Google knows all.”? There are a lot of articles online for how to communicate effectively, like using “I” statements (I feel…, I need…, I would like…), and active listening. If you find verbally sharing personal thing difficult, would it be easier for you to write them out and either read them to your Sir or let him read what you’ve written?

Women typically communicate with more emotions and want emotional support; and men typically communicate more with facts and are looking for solutions. That’s often why we are given help to fix what went wrong instead of a listening ear. If I need emotional support and to get my feelings out I will ask my husband if I can vent (if it’s not about him) or I ask him if we can talk about us. That gives him time to finish what he is doing if needed and then he can shift his attention to me. That also give him time to be emotionally prepared for my emotions. I also recognize that even if I’m frustrated or stressed by something he did I may need to be the one to change because it’s a “me” thing not a “him” thing. I can be picky about how certain things are done and how it’s done often doesn’t really matter (like which direction the coats hang in the closet). He will see my frustration and ask me about it and I will let him know what happened but that I need to work through it and change my thinking, and he often helps or meets me half way.

The more you communicate the easier it should become and you will get better with practice. Good luck this week, you’ll do great! Especially with your Sir’s help.

Smiles – Beth

[Unknown Member]

Missy and Beth, I thank you for your lovely comments. They are very helpful. Even though I know I’m not alone in my struggle with communication, I need to get out of my head and hear the wisdom of others.

I know intellectually that communication will get easier the more often it happens. We have had some stumbling blocks there. Sir has said something and then I pack an overnight bag and live in my head for a couple of days. Something that is definitely not helpful. Sir has a habit of doing a lot of explaining. The more he explains, the more confidence I lose. I have to remind him I am not part of his work environment and don’t need that much explanation.

I am grateful for your thoughts.

Natasha

[hisblossom]

Very different communication styles.

I can relate to that and have been speaking about it in chat. I don’t expect our styles to change because they stem from who we are as people. We have been trying to be more clear in communication and checking to be sure we understand and are on the same page.

We aren’t a new couple either. My husband can talk and is very outgoing and social. He doesn’t do deep conversation on emotional things and things that bother him very well at all. One of the things he actually loved about me when we got together is that I didn’t poke and expect him to communicate on those things. We could just sit together even in silence and connect. I could give him comforting energy and he could give me the feeling of being where I belonged and feeling safe.

It’s different now and I don’t know if I should think trying to get him to speak more openly is a good or a bad thing.

Communication; it’s a complex thing, isn’t it?

[hisblossom]

“Women typically communicate with more emotions and want emotional support; and men typically communicate more with facts and are looking for solutions.”

Beth, that sums up the core of many conversations between my husband and I. I can get pretty overwhelming with what I can inject into a conversation by way of being able to look inward and share what I feel and think.

[Unknown Member]

NF, WONDERFUL share …I think we all as subbies, wife, …humans ..struggle with how to really communicate .
For my share ….

I BELIEVE its a work in progress . It grows as you develop your way , your style and as always …PRACTICE makes PERFECT !! For me /Us the days of TRING to be a mind reader , look in a crystal ball ..LOL are OVER ! It didn’t work for us.. . To many hurt feelings, Im sorry , really I had no clue. etc ….

I think too …your job , volunteer work , speaking in public also …developers Communication skills….and YES I do think as you get wiser…..and look back on stuff…you can see mmmm Maybe I should have Communicated/shared better 🙂

I also , now have truly striped naked to the soul for my Hus/Dom ….let it all hang out …LOL….so , Communications CUMMING …easier these days . Less , bumps in our journey !
So, again RESPECTING EVERYONES D/sm, ways, styles….
What are you waiting for ? Try it COMMUNICATION……

Hearts, Curvey

[Unknown Member]

Thanks, Curvy! It is a work in progress and I know there will be setbacks as well as some aha moments when things take a leap forward. One of the things that needs some help his is tendency to dominate conversations. I know that I have not been the communicator, but he will often keep talking. When he takes a breath and I think it is OK to add to the conversation, I sometimes get, “I wasn’t finished.” How am I supposed to communicate if he has been talking for 20 minutes? :-\ I guess that is something I need to address in downtime.

[Unknown Member]

NF …My SHARE ….NExt time …you want to jump in COMMUNICATE …GO TOPLESS LMAO ….I bet Sir will stop talking !!

Yes, a work in progress !!

Hearts, Cs

[Veruca]

Natasha,

Thanks for sharing. What a great topic you have started. I too am figuring out this communication thing myself. You would think after having DT for 10 months, every week, that I would have this nailed…but I don’t and am still learning what true honest communication is. I can talk and talk and talk…but when it comes to truly communicating, I find myself struggling sometimes. I tend to “shut down” when I don’t like where the conversation is going or if I feel like he is just not understanding me….and then I can get a bit defensive. I will have an inner dialogue with myself during down time when this is happening, telling myself to stop, but alas, it still happens from time to time.
I have trouble with being vulnerable, I don’t like feeling weak and don’t like feeling like I’m misunderstood. I don’t like it when I am sharing something with Sir about how I feel (trying to overcome the whole not being vulnerable thing) and he will tell me I am wrong or at least understanding it wrong…ummmmm, I am wrong about how I feel? Sir also tells me I need to work on HOW I say things (I don’t have much of a filter, so things come out harsh sometimes). So yeah, I have “issues” with communication.
I have discovered that it is much harder to do than I thought. Sir and I have had some very difficult down times with tough topics and I am still in the process of learning exactly how to handle those. I may never be done learning how to communicate. It seems like it’s no different than everything else in this lifestyle…you are never done learning and growing. I wish I had some advise for you, but as you can see…I can’t give advise if I still don’t have a handle on it myself. What I can give you is subport though, because I feel ya lady!

Smooches,
V

[bookwormbeth]

One of the things that helps me the most is writing it out first. I always feel like if I just try to say it, it comes out wrong. So if there is something important, I take the time to write it out, and sometimes over a couple of days, to make sure I’m saying everything I want to say, and in the right way. (Sometimes I backslide into passive/aggressive, so writing it out and waiting makes me think about how I am presenting everything, and presenting it in the right tone.) This has helped our communication immensely, as I am now thinking “How do I present this so that we can solve the problem” rather than “I’m mad at him and want to yell.”

[Unknown Member]

I am so glad I made this post. Sometime having ideas rattling around your own head is dangerous. It may sound strange, but It really helps me to know that others also have their communication struggles. Sometimes, when you hide in your head, it seems like everyone else has their D/s down. We are all working hard.

Beth, I have often written my thoughts down. I often have difficulty remembering and if I don’t write the thought down immediately, I won’t remember it in my next breath. The act of writing also causes you to pause and reflect on your thoughts. I have kept a journal in the past, but I am better at writing notes that I can either save or toss.

Our downtimes can be lengthy and cover difficult topics as well. I just make every attempt to respond openly and honestly (instead of hiding) and things go well. As long as I am open, honest, and participate in the conversation Sir is pleased. I wasn’t always good at this and just recently have been doing better.