- February 11, 2019 at 1:29 pm #32098Kleine/KönigParticipantPremium subMrs™
I have been spiraling for a while now. Trying to hold on to my submission but questioning at every turn. “I don’t know if I’m meant for this, my personality is too strong.” This is a statement that most make when they are new to the journey, but I didn’t feel like that until expectation started going unmet. I started looking back in my journal and realized we are having some of the same conversation that we did a year ago! Ugh. Talk about frustrated. Because of my spiral I started to become disconnected from sumMrs, feeling like maybe I wasn’t one. I love my subbie sister and through their subport I’ve stayed connected. My Dom also showed concern at my lack of involvement and urged me on to a couple of video chat. But my spiral came to an end. The Storm got thick but then came the rainbow leading to the pot of gold called D/s-M.
The clouds started rolling in. There was a situation with the kids and my mother we weren’t seeing eye to eye on. When we woke up the next morning the tension was still there. And all I knew was that I wanted to be happy. So I took a shower to wash away all the negative energy from the night before. Once I was done I waited for my Dom on my knees. When he came in I looked up and told him all I wanted was to be happy. He sat beside me in his chair and traced over my skin with his rough hands while acknowledging my point from the night before. He re-enforced that he was the Dom. The rest of the day went smooth.
After a good day before I thought things were on the rise but my anxiety had other plans. I knew I was feeling anxious because my thoughts were scattered and I felt tense. We sat down for breakfast and I realized that Sir had given my daughter a cup that I had asked him multiple times not to give her. He starts asking me why and I snap. I felt attacked and grilled in that moment, like why can you not just do what I’ve asked. (Now that emotions have passed I understand he was trying to understand why so he would remember not to give her that cup. ) I spiraled. I questioned, “why do I have to get on my knees for you to hear me?” The day got worse as I pushed him away. Finally he left me to my own demise to workout whatever was going through my head. As I sat in my room feeling defeated, listening to him play outside with our daughter, I remembered a list I had made for myself in a bright moment that would help me overcome my anxiety when I felt out of control. Number 1 was KNEEL. I hadn’t been fighting with my Dom. I had been fighting with myself. I gathered myself and all the strength I could muster and went to face him. I asked him for his attention, then begged for his mercy. I took my strapping that night and we grew.
In that dark moment I remembered something I had let myself forget. I had went vanilla and didn’t even realize it. Yes I kneel to feed my Dom, but I also kneel to feed my submissive. The day before when I knelt I felt loved, safe, and heard. The next day when I decided to be a brat and have a power struggle I felt alone. So why should I have to kneel? Because maybe on my knees is where I belong….
Living in a vanilla world can be hard. When your constantly told to STAND UP for what you believe in. But when I kneel in front of my Dom he stands in awe of my strength, and gives me his undivided attention. When I come to him on my knees I am bare of all walls, and that is the strength I seek.
- February 11, 2019 at 3:44 pm #32324pearl/BayoWolfModeratorPremium subMrs™
Oh, sweetie, you make me cry. We have all been there and will be there again…unfortunately. We all know and often forget that it takes a lot of strength to submit. I have met some of the strongest women I know here, and you are certainly one of them. Hope to see you around more, I have been away a lot lately myself.
- February 11, 2019 at 10:49 pm #33277Colibri/JKParticipantPremium subMrs™
OH, Kleine!! Thank you for sharing!! I know you are a strong woman, for there is “strength in submission”. I have learned so much from this journey in a short time. I truly believe when you kneel or submit to your Sir, you are “standing up for what you believe”, your marriage.
I have been in a complete spiral. Something I really didn’t understand?? We had been on a trip with vanilla friends,so most of our D/s- M was put to the side. I wish… I had handled myself with kneeling. Instead, I had a very bratty week then a talk with Sir. (Not submissive, mostly respectful) We had reverted to our old ways. It was killing me. I hated it, how it made me feel. Thank you again!! Next time, I will know better how to react. To find my knees and my submission.
hugZ!!💞 Blessed Be,
- February 12, 2019 at 12:03 am #33461Fantasea/KnotsParticipantPremium subMrs™
Bravo your Dom gave
You the respect and time
to clear your mind. Kneeling
Is empowering and your self
realization gained such insight
to share. Pre-vanilla life
can creep in and cause internal
crazy emotions. To kneel is so powerful
I needed to read your post and be reminded. Thank
you for sharing. Long live your
love and Submission to your Dom.
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