At a loss

[Veruca]

Hi Sage! Welcome to subMrs! I am glad you have the courage to reach out to all of us. There are a few things that you’ve said that I would like to talk to you about. You have such good questions and I hope my opinion on some of this helps you figure some of it out.

” I know if I give in (I’ve let him do it in the past) that it goes to a level that is not ok with me, even if I tell him I am not ok with it, it’s going too far, or whatever.”
You should NEVER have to give into something that you are not ok with. D/s-M and BDSM are about trusting each other. A Dom should never push a boundary with out discussing it completely with their submissive and the submissive agreeing to it. That is why we use the terms soft limits (limits that may scare us or make us uncomfortable at first, but we may be willing to do when we have discussed it and have built complete trust in the situation) and hard limits (limits that under no circumstances we would we want to do that activity). A hard limit should always be respected by both at all times. Even if you are engaging in something that you love that isn’t a soft or hard limit and things get too intense, that is when you have your safe words…so that no matter the situation, when you call your safe word (mine are green, yellow or red) your Dom can either ease up (yellow) or stop the activity completely to make sure you are ok and assess the situation (red). That is why so much honest communication is an absolute MUST in this lifestyle.

“how do I get him to understand that it’s not about the kink”
How you get him to understand is to encourage him to read the posts on HusDom. It really talks about the D/s-M lifestyle and what it means to be a Dom. There is a huge difference in being a Dominate and being domineering and unfortunately, too many new Doms get their information from sites that is not a healthy reflection of what a good Dominate should be. HusDom is an excellent site that really helps new Doms differentiate what being a Dom means vs just being domineering and controlling. Think of all the great resources on here for us subbies…it’s the same environment, but as my Sir says, “it’s man speak”. Kinky fuckery is fun, but yes, there is more to this than just that.

“or if my question is how do I get my head wrapped around constant sex when my body is always off.”
Now, when it comes to this issue, I will use myself as an example for you. We communicate and negotiate our D/s-M. I have consented to my Sir using my body for his sexual needs when ever he wants, BUT my Sir understands that he has a responsibility to make sure I am mentally and physically able to do so. If I am having a day where I do not feel good, can he still take what is his? Yes, he can…BUT he knows that if I am really not feeling good, that sex is not right in that moment and he respects me and my body enough to wait for a time that I am more able to fulfill his desires. It is his responsibility that regardless of what he may want in the moment, he is to take care of me at all times and if that means he has to wait, then that is what that means. He ALWAYS gets what is his eventually, when I am feeling better and I always try to put even more effort into it to show him that I appreciate him taking care of me by waiting. I can’t tell you what to do about the situation when you say your body is always off because I don’t deal with that, but again I feel honest communication will be the key element for you two to understand each other when it comes to both of your desires, needs and inability.

Ah, kids in the house! Yes, I deal with that too! We’ve had some seriously embarrassing things happen. It does make it a challenge, but Sir and I work very hard to find ways to connect in our D/s-M that are non-sexual. Our rules and rituals along with protocols keep that connection alive 24/7.

Remember: Being a submissive does not under any circumstances mean that you are a doormat and have no voice in the dynamic. Honesty, Communication, Trust, Respect and Love are what we teach here in order to build your foundation…but before you can start building you have to clean the slate. If you follow the steps here that LK talks about, I have a feeling that it may help resolve a lot of this because I really think it comes down to learning how to communicate what you need from him, him communicating what he needs from you and you both hearing each other and negotiating your dynamic. Go to the top of your computer screen and there is a drop down box that is titles “Where to Begin” click on that and start reading. The more you focus on your own role, learning what it means to be a submissive and work toward that goal; the easier processing all of this should become. I know that when I was new and so wrapped up in what my Sir wasn’t doing “right”, it hindered me from learning about my role in all of this. Once I switched gears and focused on my submission, his inner Dom started to shine through and he became more interested in really learning about D/s-M.
I hope that was helpful!

Smooches,
V

[sage]

Thank you for your words. I did have a conversation with him this weekend. He seems like he’s willing to look more into a research, but we shall see. I let him do some stuff Saturday night and Sunday morning that showed I was willing to accept the sub part. I thought all was good until we got home (we were driving from San Fran back home…7.5 hours) and he was pissed because I didn’t do anything in the car ride. Ugh…he didn’t ask for anything specific and I thought he was joking when he mentioned some of it….idk….guess I’m supposed to be a mind reader too

[Veruca]

When Sir and I first decided that we were going to make our D/s a full time part of our existing marriage, we learned very quickly that although we “talked” a lot we did not know what it meant to really communicate with each other anymore. Sitting down with each other and just acknowledging that pushed us and when we started doing regular, weekly Downtime sessions, we finally learned how to communicate. Read this, it will explain what I am talking about.

Downtime

Smooches,
V

[Kaninchen]

Sage welcum to the site!

I wanted to quickly comment to your post. First you’re not alone. I hear this story one way or another a few times a year well..lots but I do feel your confusion in regards not only to D/s-M but to where you are in your marriage. I warn all ladies when you begin this dynamic it can be the beginning of something wonderful or the beginning of the end… Many things we have you try when you take on these methods to build the essential foundation of D/s-M it will make you purge everything, not only your doings but your husbands as well. You have to wipe the slate and forgive everything before she, D/s-M will cum to you both. D/s-M is all about the relationship, unlike what you find D/s means on all other sites. It’s not based on kink. It’s the frosting to the cake, but we all know you can’t live on frosting alone. But I can see your vanilla marriage or your cake may need to be sorted out before you can move onto D/s-M. I ask that you look at your overall relationship and think about what you want. Where do you want to be 1 year from right now? Do you love your husband enough to forgive and not look back? Sit with him discuss what you said in this post. Honest Communication is the Key… so read him your post… See what his thoughts are. I also invite him to register on husDOM.com. There he can get a great sense that this is not about KINK… its sooo much more then that. He can lurk, chat on live chat or just email MrFox@husDOM.com . I know you were referred here by a wonderful subbie member. Sit with her and her Sir some night and they can testify to you both about the workings of a wonderful D/s-M. They are one of the best examples out there of how to do it sustainably. Write me anytime… LK