After first scene…

[Veruca]

Hey there! Great thread question! I know how hard it is in the beginning to get used to all of the new emotions that come with the very literal ups and downs of having a scene. I have a couple questions for you though…
#1 When you are trying to discuss this with your Sir, have you requested that time or are you expecting him to pay attention to you when you approach him with it? In other words, is this immediately when the urge to talk comes into your head or are you requesting a Downtime?
#2 Did you receive aftercare following this scene? Have you two researched the importance of aftercare? BDSM is can be seriously intense and aftercare is a must…but the key is knowing what kind and how much you need depending on the intensity, and then making sure you communicate that effectively. In my experience, aftercare minimizes a lot of the fluxing of emotion in me after a scene. That is not to say it prevents me from having drop, but it definitely helps.

[claimed-kitten]

I didn’t ask for downtime, just tried to talk right after the scene while we were both laying in bed…I’m just not sure he understands the intensity of what I just felt… We have researched aftercare and the like, yes there was alittle of this ( maybe not enough?)I feel like I’m just pushing to hard to talk about something that I’m not sure he really understands yet…sort of a rant… :/

[Veruca]

Maybe he wasn’t ready to have a full blown conversation right after because he was also trying to process what had just happened as well? It’s hard to do, I know, but it’s important to remember that our Doms are getting used to all of this new intensity and emotion as well…just in their Dom way, lol. Sir and I wait to discuss details of a scene during DT unless it’s something that has to addressed right then (like if I use my safe words). But I will say that he checks me during aftercare and asks some simple questions like if I’m ok…that’s my signal that we can talk if I need to, but I’m usually so spent and curled up in blankets that I fall asleep for a few minutes. Maybe ask for a DT and bring this entire thing to him then, when he knows a discussion with protocol is going to be had.

[mntjulp]

What has really helped us is the downtime…I’m not sure that is the exact right term but my Love(he told me to call him my Love) calls it chair time. We have a recliner type chair and he sits in it and I sit on a pillow on the ground and he asks me questions or I ask him and we talk. Last week I had a lot of trouble with a scene and actually pulled away from him. I did some reading and realized I had violated his trust by not being honest with him and not using my safe word. We used chair time to talk about how we could communicate better and it was really helpful. I think we got that idea from either this site or that husdom site. I just noticed that he is really open with me that way and I with him. It’s good.

[claimed-kitten]

Thank you both very much. I didn’t realize until afterward how deeply involved(emotionally) you become during a scene. Just alot more to this then I had realized, alot more ins and outs that I’m just now realizing.

[Veruca]

The learning never stops…let us know your progress with this issue so others can take the opportunity to learn as well!
Smooches,
V

[claimed-kitten]

OK so update…more downtime was absolutely necessary. I also found that making love( the vanilla way ) was very helpful as well. I do struggle with a past of abuse and have ptsd from these issues and the intensity of the scene and the marks that were on my body were triggers that I didn’t expect. I explained everything to him in a scheduled downtime, then we made love and cuddled and seem to be progressing. Wow what a journey this is going to be and hopefully a very healing one at that. Thank you ladies for all your kind words and support…Much love….

[Veruca]

Awe…that’s a good update.
In my experience, BDSM is a roller coaster ride of emotions and our communication has been key in navigating those extreme ups and downs…especially when either of us have a reaction to something we are not prepared for. Good job recognizing some things and making sure you communicated with you Sir about them! Always utilize your D/s-M tools that you learn here.

Smooches,
V