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A little Overwhelmed and Confused
Last night, I was to demonstrate two positions from the kneeling/positions entry. So I came home from work, did some cleaning, and got the kids ready for bed. I took my time shaving and showering, but I knew something was off. Normally there were instructions for me by now. We had spoken about our plans for the night so I knew we were still planning to play a bit.
I saw a Facebook post. Sir seemed a bit down, but kept saying it was okay (we discussed the post after).
So I put on a nice thong and a shirt and sat on the couch. He was playing his DS and had not acknowledged me in any way. Was this a test? After a few moments I slid from the couch and knelt beside it. I stayed that way for some time, while he found a save point. And then waited a little longer.
Nothing went according to his plan, he voiced later. I am not going to list details of the scene. It devolved into a very Vanilla event. He seemed sore, exhausted after. So I brought him a bottle of water, popped open the massage oil, and started gently massaging him. I reminded him that it’s okay, it’s not always going to go how he planned it, and that I was enjoying taking care of him.
And god I was. It wasn’t subspace, but some other place. It was pure love and respect. I could have massaged him for hours. I didn’t get off at all during or after the scene, and even though I’m allowed to myself, I didn’t. It felt wrong. I went to bed content that I had done my job as wife and as his submissive, and put his needs first.
In the morning, that contentment has slowly faded and given forth to this exhaustion and anxiety and neediness. Patience is not my strong suit. Part of me wants to act out, to earn a punishment, so I know I’m not in the right mindset. He will usually pick up on this and refuse to indulge it anyways. When I come home tonight I will likely try to clean or perform some sort of service that will center me. But all of this is so new and intense and what was probably a very vanilla event, I’m unsure he knows how much of me went in to taking care of him last night.
Honestly what I need is to go back to bed and to wake up and be thouroughly thouroughly used, played with.
Unfortunately we are adults and have adult duties, so I’m waiting to get into my building at work instead.
Sorry if this is jumbled. My anxiety has been up the past few days and that contributes to my confusion. I am trying to balance being a good kitten with being a good wife, and giving my Sir and husband everything he deserves.
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I wanted to add, I really just think that I am overstimulated and that’s just confusing me. I am thinking too much and since Sir isn’t feeling well I am on my own to calm down. Both Sir and my best friend (another sub who we know irl) know that when I get like this a basic set of tasks helps calm me. But sometimes I am on my own and I have to get through my panic on my own.
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You are not alone…we are here to support you. It is important to communicate your feelings/needs as quickly as possible. Do you and your Sir practice regular downtime?
When I feel myself spiraling, I usually request an unscheduled downtime as soon as I’m feeling unsure or needy. If we are at work, I text it to him and Sir will text me or tell me that we will have it that night and give me the time. More times than not, just that acknowledgement from Sir helps calm me and get me back in mindset tremendously!
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Our dynamic is not incredibly formal so I can frequently speak freely, however I do best in text and with journal entries.
We have been talking. He expressed his sincerest praise and gratitude and we discussed my emotions and feelings and fears. I think it was a lack of release/aftercare for me because he was hurting so bad. I sympathize I also have chronic pain issues but i was very overstimulated and confused until we got to speak.
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Hi kitten,
It can be really difficult at the start of your D/s and I can remember hitting those bumps. This is a good post which may be helpful for you and your Sir.
ttps://husdom.com/ds-relationships-ebbs-and-flows/
We have got much better at navigating them now and for us, using downtime was the key. Communciating the confusion and anxiety you feel means that you can talk about it and also put some strategies in place to stop it happening the next time. You can also begin to learn more about how your Sir was feeling and why he reacted the way he did. You could ask him what would have helped him and how you would have been best to meet his needs. My Sir and I found that, although tough at the time, these bumps actually helped us to learn and grow together so we could see them as something positive that we had worked through together.Good luck kitten – hang in; nothing this good is easy all the time ?
Love missy xxx
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Thank you Missy. That was a lot of good advice. We need to incorporate downtime.
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Hello Kitten, It was nice to meet you and chat with you Saturday night. I have to agree with these ladies. The foundation of D/s is built on open honest communication, trust, respect and love. Journaling does help you and your Sir in many ways express yourself and helps your Sir understand your needs, your frustration, and your mindset. But downtime is the key to build an intimate open honest bond between each other so when you hit the ebbs and flows in the journey you are both on the same path together. I also believe aftercare is very important after play for the submissive’s well being in her mindset and that she fulfilled her requirements to the best of her sub-bility to her Sir and to herself.
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Kitten ,
I Love all the shares you got ……my add….Sometime, I write it all out a letter to Sir and this SHREDD it cause I released it out and that alone Healed worked for me ….Sub -On , Cs
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This was all wonderful information, and I want to thank all of you.
Some stff I’ve brought to him, some I haven’t yet, but will as I get the chance. We are both exhausted. So last night when we got home from our family thing we put the kids to bed and followed suit – me with my iPad, him with his phone. We just snuggled up and were out within the hour.
As working parents sometimes we forget to just rest. Everything is go go go. It was nice to slow down.
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I am glad to know I am not the only one! We keep having these types of ups and downs as well. In the beginning I thought it was simply because it was new but after almost a year we still have them. They come more at times when Sirs schedule is changing and we spend less time together. The lack of time alone seems to make our scenes somewhat of a challenge. Almost as though we don’t know each other as well or can’t read each other. Like most have already said we take downtime to hang out together and just catch up on the day to day things. One of may favorite things is just sitting on the floor and having Sir pet my head while we talk. It seems to calm us both and we end up in a much better mindset after a long day.
Thanks for sharing!
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