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New subMrs
I apologize now for the lengthy post, but I thought a little background would help. I have been following the submrs blogs for some time now, and I formally asked my husDOM if he would go on this journey with me on April 8, 2021. He said he would try, and he has, but I know it has not been easy for him. I joined subMrs just a few days later, but it has taken me awhile to get up the nerve to introduce myself. I’m 51 (R will be 53 in a couple of months) and we’ve been together for 35 years, married for 33. We have 2 grown children and 1 amazing granddaughter. This is my story..
Looking back I can see that I have been submissive my whole life, to my parents, to my siblings and family, to my friends, to my job/coworkers, to my patients (I work in healthcare)… and to my husband. Except, when my boldness does come out, it’s usually with R because he’s the one I feel most comfortable expressing it to, so I think he feels like I’m changing because I am trying to be more intentional in my submission to him. He says I’m spoiling him and he doesn’t expect me to do many of the things I do for him, but I keep telling him that it makes me happy to do these things for him. He is trying, but still not totally in the “dominant mindset”. Maybe he thinks if he accepts that this our new dynamic that eventually I’ll come to resent him, or maybe revoke my decision to do this. I am confident that will never happen.
I am a service submissive. I receive so much happiness from doing things for other people that makes them happy or makes them feel cared for. It is my love language. I do not need praise, although an occasional thank you does go a long way. I do not do the things I do for praise, accolades or even thanks. I do it just as much for me as for the people I do things for.I never knew what BDSM or D/s was until I read the FSOG books. Even then, I thought, “That sounds sexy, but we could never do those things. R would never do that to me. I don’t know about that.”
I read…A LOT! Reading is my hobby and my escape. Wonderful new worlds are just a page away when you read. And so, I started seeing over the next few years that there were many, many new and established authors writing books with D/s or BDSM themes.
The first one I saw that sounded interesting, and I decided to read, was Brie’s Submission by Red Pheonix. It was a REAL eyeopener for me. I had done a little research when I was reading FSOG on some of the terms, but the explicit descriptions, not only of the scenes but of the emotions, really had me enthralled. And I began to devour every book I could about that power exchange.
Over time, I read some really great books that described the emotional and spiritual connections between the characters, and I read some very disturbing books that I felt bordered on abuse. I read them all to the end (because I just can’t NOT finish a book) and over time I began to realize that the emotional and spiritual connection was what I craved in my own marriage.Now don’t get me wrong, I have an absolutely AWESOME marriage! My husband is supportive, loving, hard working, loyal, faithful. He’s an amazing provider, a loving, supportive dad, and a phenomenal grand papa. He supports me, prays for and with me, gives me little surprises(like cooking me supper, bringing me flowers or a piece of jewelry for no reason, or just giving me a back rub when he knows I need it), plays with me (not just sexually)…and the sex is great! BUT, I felt that I needed that deeper connection. I felt that we could go so much further, deeper, in our relationship.
Over the next few months I began to search for ways to be a better submissive wife to my husband. I discovered a lot about DD (Domestic Discipline), but after MUCH research, it seemed it was just like everything else BDSM, just with more spanking and discipline. Some of it seemed borderline abusive. I’m not saying it’s wrong if that’s what you love and need, it’s just not quite right for my marriage. I don’t want a disciplinarian, I want a dominant husband. Someone who is so focused on my happiness and well being, that he may need to reign me in at times for my own good, but who can still have fun with me and let me be me without having to worry that he’s going to be monitoring my every move or word for discipline.
My husband is so worthy of my submission, but I feel that he is not always open and honest about what he wants because he may feel that he would be too demanding of me. I feel that I have very much contributed to his reticence over the years about him taking control, being the leader, and taking what he wants from me, due to some of my very innocent but naive words in the beginning of our marriage. Now, because he has conditioned himself to hold back and not be his full self, he is having trouble believing that he can “let go” and just be his real self. Does that sound stupid? Am I making sense?I have asked him many times to tell me just one of his fantasies. His answer every time is, “I don’t have any. I just think about you.” While that is very sweet, I don’t want sweet anymore. I’m not going to be jealous if he tells me he fantasizes about other people. I’m not going to be upset if he fantasizes about doing things to me that I may not be ok with. They are, after all, just fantasies. I have read very sexy “rape/non-consensual” stories that really turned me on, but they are not something that I have ever really thought I’d enjoy in real life. And real rape is NEVER sexy or fun! However, there are things I fantasize about that I’ve never tried, that I would love to try, but only in the hands of my husband…because I trust him with my life (literally). I know he would NEVER do anything to ever intentionally harm me. In fact, it was almost an argument to get him to try spanking me the first time. I know he probably thought I was crazy, and he kept saying, ” I don’t want to hurt you. Is this too hard? Is this ok?” And of course, it was probably not hard enough because I really don’t remember much about it except the questions. It was not very memorable.
I have told him that I would try anything with him at least once, because I know he will protect me, and I mean it. Even if it is something that I’m not sure I would love. If it pleased him and made him happy, I would do it. When he is happy, I am happy. But even more that that, when I can do something that makes him feel good, or that gives him pleasure, I feel more pleasure. I feel like that is my purpose…as his wife, his helpmate, his partner, and his submissive.Thank you for taking the time to read my intro. I really need some advise about what to do next. How to continue to encourage R. I am trying to be patient, and I have succeeded so far. I WANT this sooo bad, I just don’t want to mess it up.
- 4 Replies
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I hope this makes you feel better…your story is very common! Most of us have gone through something very much like what you are going through right now. (Is you husDom signed up with Husdom.com?) Unfortunately, patience (the bane of my existence!) is the key.
https://submrs.com/foundations-domination-submission-married-couples/
The foundations of Honesty, Communication, Trust, Respect, Intimacy and Love are easy to say and much harder to live consistently. Combining honesty and communication is very important. That type if raw, bone deep communication can be very difficult and ultimately satisfying. But it takes time and patience. Give you husband some time and grace to come to grips with this new normal. It takes time. You have been thinking about D/s for quite some time, he needs some time as well.
I can tell you from personal experience the change never happens as fast as you want it to! In the beginning BayoWolf was so tentative when spanking me. The first time he ever had to give me a punishment spanking he hated it. After 4 years he is no longer tentative and loves a punishment spanking. (Punishment spankings are a large part of our dynamic but they do occasionally happen.)
I was the one in our marriage that didn’t want to share fantasies. It had to do with trust and we have been married as long as you have and had a great marriage. That sort of sharing takes a level of trust that most couples just don’t have. We both freely share now. Again, it takes time and patience.
Welcome to the tribe! Keep reading and join in the chats as you can. We all love to share our experiences with new subbies!
Keep Moving,
Pearl
Foundations of Domination and submission for Married Couples, D/s-M
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Thank you so much for the advise. I am trying to crawl beside him and gently “guide” him, but I also don’t want to scare him off, so to speak. He is SO very unsure of the entire power exchange. It has been uncomfortable for him, I believe, to say the least. You know, the good Southern boy, taught to never hit/hurt a girl. It is certainly a different thought process to get to in this dynamic.
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I was right where you are! It’s all about baby steps. My good ole southern boy now loves flogging and spanking as much or more than I do. It is a process and you have to give him time and he has to give himself permission to enjoy impact play.
Has he signed up for HusDom? There are a lot of men there that could help him along in this process.
Keep Moving,
Pearl
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Not yet, but I’m talking to him about it tonight. He’s very private, so I already know he will feel strange about talking to others about this, but I know it would help him so much.
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