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Two Year Wall in D/s-M
This thread is for opening up discussion regarding “The Two Year Wall” that happens in your relationship in D/s-M, usually about 1.5-2.5 year mark. Also, this is where you can ask questions regarding this wall to L.K.
I will be posting the post blog regarding this topic here very soon. LK
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6 Replies
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I originally wrote/posted this August 9, 2017 in the regular forum…but I thought it fit better here, so I moved it.
Roadblocks
If you’ve been on site for a while, or new but devouring the blog posts and forum threads…I know that you have come across talk about the natural Ebbs and Flows of a D/s-M dynamic. I remember reading those when I was a newbie sub and thinking, “yeah, ok…”. When the first ebb hit, is was jarring, but we came through it intact. I am going to be honest with y’all about why they happen in my D/s-M dynamic…it’s called life. I am not just a sub and my Sir is not just a Dom. I am first and foremost a wife and mother. I have a full-time job where I am the manager of my sales department. We have kids, a house, dogs, cars, extended family…in other words, LOTS of vanilla. In the beginning, I wanted to pretend that I could mesh all my vanilla into my D/s-M; essentially putting everything (that should never have been) under my “submissive umbrella” and give Sir total control and all authority over EVERYTHING…except my job, lol. It didn’t take very long for Sir and me to realize that this was not a good plan and was not a healthy decision for our family. This was because most of our ebbs were coming from real life, adult situations with in our vanilla world that had no business being managed as D/s, but we were trying to do just that. As we tweaked our D/s-M, there were more ebbs…but we didn’t worry because by then, they didn’t seem as bad and we realized that once we got things flowing again, we could look back a see the huge lessons we learned during that time and use it to make our dynamic even more DYNAMIC. Ebbs were always caused by little stuff, just general life getting in the way. It happens!
What I am writing this post for though is not about the normal little ebbs and flows that we have experienced in the now 2 years of being D/s-M…but what happened when we hit a road block…a BIG road block. Now, Sir and I had experienced one road block before this and we climbed over the damn thing to see the light on the other side. I thought for sure after that one, that if it came around again, we would hop over with ease! Oh, how wrong I was!
In the span of 1 month (January-February), I had three entirely separate personal, family issues rear their ugly heads. Each one was something that messed with my head in its own way, but they piled on to create one hell of a storm inside me. When the first one hit, Sir handled the situation and then let me have my space to process and we maintained our D/s. When the second one hit, all Sir could do was let me have my freak out until I could wrap my brain around what had just happened and we moved closer to ebb territory, but we still maintained. When the third one hit…I shut completely down. The third one also involved and affected Sir. We were both blindsided and both dealt with it in our own way. Our D/s was immediately road blocked…and the road block seemed to stretch for miles between us. I had no interest in being submissive and I don’t think he had it in him to get me back into mindset. Sir would still pick out my panties every morning and kiss me good bye (one of our little rituals) and Sir also would place my collar ON said panties if he noticed that I had taken it off. Sir wasn’t done with our dynamic…but I was fighting against my submission with fervor.
A couple months of us living like this (vanilla) passed and one evening we FINALLY addressed the issue. Are we going to get back on track or are we going to give up and stop pretending that we are still D/s? The conversation was brutal at times. I pointed out that my biggest issue was how I felt he sat back and just watched me spiral out of control. During that conversation, I also realized that I resented him being the head of our house when it came to the kids…that my putting all of that on him and removing myself let me BLAME him for what had happened with the final issue that caused this road block…and I came to realize how UNFAIR that was to him. I was punishing HIM for taking up the role and control that I gave him! By the end of the conversation, we were sitting on our outdoor love seat, he was kissing me gently as a cried and cried and cried. I wanted US back so badly. I NEEDED him to step back up and retake control of me, but we needed to redefine roles when it came to our family. We knew we needed to get back on track and climb over this together…and that is what we did. One day at a time. One correction at a time. One re-established rule and ritual at a time. -
Thank you for sharing this, Veruca. It is so raw and real. I appreciate you. 🙂
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Awe, thank you lady…I am glad you liked it.
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So we’ll be at the 2 year mark next month, and I don’t know if I’d call what we are experiencing a wall. It feels more like a plateau.
There is no doubt in my mind that we are both committed to D|s-M. The rules and rituals that we have in place have been there for over a year and we are both very consistent in our roles. In fact, we are so consistent that in our Downtime discussions we have discussed escalating our protocols to keep things exciting. And THAT is where we have fallen flat. Thew new things that have been proposed have not materialized. We’re not slipping into vanilla mode, but with W’s extensive business travel, and my exhaustion/dissatisfaction with my own current job, neither of us seems to be able to muster the energy to take the next step.
I am thankful that the foundation we built is strong enough that we didn’t let the whole dynamic fall apart. And even though we’re not moving forward, we are not going back. The place where we are stalled is still a whole lot better than most vanilla marriages, and for that I am truly grateful.
🙂
Staci -
Dear Staci,
I relate to what you are going through because we went through the same type of thing. It is definitely difficult to explain what is happening with the two-year wall. I am on the other side now, and feel like our D|s-M is stronger than it was before. It is harder to find the, “Sweet spot” than in the first year, but there is a sense of permanence now. It really helped me to find something to look forward to like a D/s field trip or vacation to stay motivated. I totally agree with your feelings about D/s making the marriage stronger, even when it’s not moving forward at a fast pace. I understand the work issue, Staci. When my job is not fulfilling it makes things very tricky. It may be time to move on to a different position at work? Thanks for posting your story Staci, it helps to know others are going through similar experiences in the second phase of D/s.
Warm regards,
Belle Soumise -
https://submrs.com/submission-year-2/
https://submrs.com/phases-of-dominance-submission-fsog-lifestyle-my-reality/
When I first wrote the 2 year wall post, I had a heading and couple paragraphs in it called plateau’ing….. So funny Staci mentions this…. It is true many couples do plateau and do not have a 2 year wall. They do not fall and fall, they may get to the top and just phase out….or fizz out, plateau. I have to say, go back to the basics, review and make them new again. Take everything up a notch or two. Figure out how to get inspired again! All the things I tell the “WALL/WELL” couples to do. Either way ask yourself this, “Does submission still feed me?” D|s-M, I told everyone in the beginning that she is a finicky BITCH! She will cum and go and she will disappear when you least expect it. Timing is everything! XOXOX lk
Sub-spicion, the Wall, the Well & the Phoenix | Year 2 in D/s-M
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