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90 day Challenge- make or break
My husband and I are going through some major marital issues. Our past won’t let go of us. We have both had our transgressionss. We want to move on. I want to pursue my submission even of it doesn’t include him. He’s not very determined to research or practice this life like I am.
I’ve decided to give him 90 days to “change” and learn how to be a better dom. I am also working on my submission. At the end of 90 days if he isn’t where I need him to be, I’m going to move out and pursue my wants.
Does anyone have suggestions on this process? -
13 Replies
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Hi there,
I agree with trixie, you can’t force someone to do or become what he doesn’t want to. And if I’m honest then i think that of you haven’t been able to let go of the past it is very difficult to move on to the future vanilla or otherwise and ultimatums probably won’t do good in that case either.
So if you want things better I think more communication and an open view of his wants and needs will do more.Good luck!
Jezz -
*HUGS* Mrs_New_Man sweetie, I have to agree with Trixie and Jezz. It sounds like you already have one foot out the door, and THAT IS OKAY. I truly hope you find what you’re looking for. If he wants to be a better Dom, the HusDom site would be an invaluable resource.
Much love,Staci
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Have you very clearly communicated this to your husband? Do you have exactly what you want from him in mind and communicated that to him? If he is shooting for a moving target then the chances for success are minimal. Frankly it sounds like you have already made up your mind that he’s not going to give you what you need. The other thing to keep in mind is that moving out to pursue your wants might prove much more difficult that you imagine.
Be honest with yourself and your husband and communicate. Whether vanilla or D/s-m both honesty and communication are necessary for a successful relationship. I hope this works out for you. -
For clarification-we have began a mentorship with a married d/s couple helping us both grow individually and together. The deep conversations we’ve had as a group have gone great. They have given us small tasks to make us work on our relationship. My husband knows what’s expected, says he’s into it, but fails to complete assignments or do any soul searching. I fear he’s doing it only because I want to.
He knowsaid what is at stake. Let’s make that clear. We have also been practicing for a few years. We aren’t completely new. -
OP- I hope my post didn’t offend you since I really don’t want to do that.
It is a good thing that you both want this lifestyle however as others have said; everyone has their own pace they move in. And although I can really relate to the feeling where you feel it isn’t going fast enough, I also feel that if there are things you can’t let go of it will be very difficult to move forward. Now obviously I don’t know you or know anything more about the 2 of you other than what you shared it seems to me that you want to move past the issues quick and move on to something different. I apologize if I get that all wrong though. If you are in it for the rest of your life than why rush with things that might need some more time than you originally anticipated? If your foundations aren’t stable you can’t build a solid house and it will mean you have to get back to fixing the foundation.
Hopefully you and your husband will be able to move forward, if that is what you both want and in a while look back at this period and see it as a bump in the road you are travelling.Jezz.
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Sorry your going thru such strife. So here’s the thing; I don’t think ultimatums work, ever. That’s me though. I’m not sure what you mean by “change” either. Do you mean behavior or something else? People don’t really change behaviors and habits that quickly. It takes time and encouragement to make those changes. Just like it took time to develop those behaviors and habits. So there’s my thoughts on your time table.
The issue I see is there is a lot of I want statements in your post. Such as I want this done by such and such time and I want him to do this and I want him to be at the level of dominance and I want him to think like me in the second post. Sorry but you need to stop that. It just screams topping from the bottom for me. His personal growth might be slower than your own. That should be okay.
What may be the issue is the history of indiscretions and not being able to get over them. That is something both of you will need to work on together. Personally I would not leave that work up to another couple that is mentoring but a therapist whom can mediate between the two of you. But that’s just me. Working on letting the past go between both would be first on my list not on his dominance. How can you have trust, honesty, communication, and respect if you both can’t let whatever it was in the past go? D/s does not work well without those four things working together.
Sorry if any of this sounds harsh.
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Hello MrsNewMan,
Let me say first that I have been in D/s-M for 5 years and the whole method was created here for married couples in a way to enrich and not harm your sacred dynamic. The situation you have described here seems like you are already ready to leave your marriage. Nothing can be cured in 90 days. I am a life coach but I would say some therapy would be in order for you both to get over your things done in the past. D/s-M is about working together as a team. It is about Communication, Trust, Respect and Love (Intimacy)…… It sounds like you have many things to work on. I have to say D/s-M is not going to open up to you before you settle things with your “major marital issues- you mentioned.” You have indicated that you both have had “transgressions”, this is a BIG thing, trust and respect issues for sure. These things will have to be dealt with and settled before your Sir will take another step into his role. If you want to pursue D/s-M w/o your Sir, then there are bigger issues here I am afraid. Single in D/s is a tough place to be.
Quote-“He’s not very determined to research or practice this life like I am.” – You should sit with him and ask him why he is not engaged in his role, try not to threaten.Quote-I’ve decided to give him 90 days to “change” and learn how to be a better dom
This statement concerns me in many ways. You decided, not both of you decided. You are giving him ultimatum? Does he know he had 90 days? This comes off very bossy and NOT submissive at all. You sometimes have to make changes within yourself before expecting anyone else to do them. You said you’re going to move out after the 90 days? Are you threatening him with this? Does he know you want to do this? These are just a few questions…. I think you need to really decide if you want to stay in this marriage before you even try D/s again. COMMUNICATION is the key… I would read to him what you wrote here and see what he has to say… Wish you the best, LK -
Hello Mrs New Man
I would have to agree with all the ladies above. I have been in my D/s-m for almost 4 years and you have to start with a CLEAN SLATE. You mentioned your past transgressions these need to be dealt with and put to the past in order to move on to the future.
The main comment you posted was that you have “Given him 90 days” to be a better dom!! this in general sounds like you have a little control issue and that if he does not conform to your needs that you will be moving out. This just sounds like you have way more issues than him not researching his role and if you have been at this a while or a few years as you stated there should already be research made and your communication should already be at the level of that of a seasoned D/s Couple.
With all that being said, I would suggest you work on your communication with your sir and through therapy you work on leaving your past in the past and with your mentors you work on moving forward together. This is not a race its a lifestyle change and one that will move at a snails pace not in 90 days as you gave him. If he is willing to this lifestyle change you will need to work on it together and gather as much information from Submrs and Husdom as you can and work together to create solid and loving D/s-m relationship. It took my sir almost a year to commit and change our old vanilla lifestyle to what we have now a wonderful and loving and intimate relationship even better now after 31 years.
Good Luck with your journey.
Sweetness
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Thank you to everyone who commented. I apologize for the lacking details which may have helped my cause.
The poor choice of wording is on me. This “change” is more of a request for effort. We have discussed our relationship ship in depth as well as what we want in this d/s dynamtic. Typically the conversation ends with the ball I his court to make progress and nothing is done. This has gone on for years now.
This challenge has not been presented to him yet because I’m trying to go about it in a submissive way without demanding much. But he needs to understand I’ve given him time to show progress and he’s not shown any.
This all comes of course after consulting my mentors (married couple in a 24/7 d/s for close to 20 years). They are not ready to give up on him yet but my patience is running out. I’m passionate about something that I feel he thinks is a fad. Our mentors have given him small tasks that he has failed to complete. Not to mention he hasn’t reached out to either with questions. I talk to them daily.
I feel I have warrant to give him a time frame. I value my time and feel my life could be better used for things if hes not willing to commit to this.
I hope this sheds some light on the situstion.
And yes I am well aware our past needs to be dealt with and that’s part of this 90 days. I’m not expecting everything to be perfect but I want to know he’s trying on some level.
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If your husband doesn’t engage there is a reason. I teach a real sustainable method here on subMrs.com Perhaps look at my how to begin post. This will explain the steps to take when you want to have a D/s-M dynamic. This is different then the old style of D/s… LK
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Aww Mrs_New_Man. Hugs. I hear such sadness in your posts. I know trying to get our Sirs to be as enthusiastic as we are with this lifestyle can be very frustrating. Also, this lifestyle forces us to deal with our pasts. For me it brought up things I wasn’t even aware were bothering me. For this reason I would certainly reach out to a therapist just to make sure your personal past isn’t part of the problem. I feel your frustration. I have been there. All I can say is if you truly love him and he is your “one” leaving wouldn’t be on the table. Maybe he isn’t your “one” and maybe he is. Only you know the answer that. Hugs to you and your Sir for whatever you both decide.
SweetOne
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