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Who Am I?
One of the most common questions for anyone in general is “Who am I?”. It is a question that I come into contact with often and work with my clients toward answering in the therapy room. Most times, the answer is complicated and involved since it is an answer that must be all encompassing. Identity is a personal thing made up of experiences, lessons, interactions, values, personality, and perception gleaned from every domain in our lives. These domains include but can’t be limited to our spiritual, physical, cultural, gender, sexual, religious, and family influences. One identity affects and pulls from the other. Like a tree, the root system branches until the roots find purchase in each of these areas and draw nutrients from them. To deny one aspect of our identity is to deny all because poison in one root will affect the whole tree. Embracing and integrating every domain and aspect of ourselves leads to a healthy and vibrant tree.
This being said, it is impossible for any identity to be the same. We are as unique as snowflakes since perception is reality and every reality is different. Two people can experience the same event in different ways and their reality of that event is different because their perception is different. The perception is different because their experiences and identities are different. It is a complex and beautiful tapestry made up of many colored and textured threads.
Why, then have I allowed myself to assume that all journeys toward D/s-M must be the same? It makes no sense since that is logically impossible. Each sub is a unique individual, each Dom/me is a unique individual. Their experiences and the history of how they relate to others as well as their partner is unique as well. Therefore, it only stands to reason that every D/s-M journey is different and should be celebrated for that diversity. My own included.
So one sub struggles more and longer than another with overcoming the conditioning and lessons of childhood and experiences in order to submit fully. That’s not wrong, just different and unique. So, one Dom/me has taken longer to come fully into their Dominant identity and role than another. Not wrong, just different. So, one couple has more stops and starts and tends toward a slower progression than couples who ease in naturally and consistently. Again, not wrong, just different and unique.
The problem isn’t with the dynamic or with how important that dynamic is or whether we’re doing it “right”. It’s within myself and how I’ve embraced my identity and journey. Baby steps forward still counts as progress, even if they take longer than an adult’s sprinting gait. It’s time to celebrate that progress. It’s time to celebrate who I am.
So, who am I? I am a sub who is successful, intelligent, and in control. I choose to hand that control to one person whom I trust with my whole heart. I am a woman who revels in letting go and letting someone hold and save me for a change because I spend my day doing that for so many others. I am a conservative Christian that can find joy and acceptance in my submission because of my faith and not in spite of it. I am a mother, a counselor, a wife, a minister, a daughter, a friend, and so many other things at any given moment. This is all part of who I am as a sub. I serve, I love, I care, and I protect. I can embrace the kinky naughty girl, the playful bratty little, the hard working professional, the nurturing mother, the top of the class graduate student, the compassionate counselor, the savvy business woman, the quirky comedian friend, and the devout pillar of the church because they are me and they add to my journey and what I have to offer my HusDom. They are the reason my Sir has named me his Prix, his Prize. Who am I to say that it is not enough when my Sir insists it is priceless and more than enough?
Today I will look at my journey and our progress through grateful and celebratory eyes. Our journey is slow but steady. We grow together in the flows and learn when it ebbs. We nurture and guide each other with sustainable progress. Not wrong, just different and perfectly right for us.
My perception is my reality and my reality looks pretty good. -
4 Replies
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This is amazing! I Love this post so much! Thank you for sharing. Yes, we are all different and we grow at different rates. That’s what I love so much about this community. We all subport each other and build each other up rather than drawing comparisons.
” I am a conservative Christian that can find joy and acceptance in my submission because of my faith and not in spite of it.”
-Love that! Amen, and I agree! I love how the whole concept of D/s-M has helped me to embrace submission rather than resent it. I was built to submit and I am able to fully commit to submission now whereas before I fought it just because society tells us women that it’s “the thing to do”. “Don’t take orders from your man!” But…what if I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my brain was hardwired to do just that? I’m so glad to have found a kindred spirit in you!
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Thank you for your kind words, Yoz. This was a big light bulb for me. LK and so many others have said, don’t measure yourself or compare yourself against others. It’s one thing to say it and another to do. I am happy and I am content and that is enough.
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Yes, I do often tell people to NOT MEASURE your D/s-M or your submission to another’s due to their measuring stick and everyone else’s is different, NO TWO are the same.
To compare however is human and we all do it from our bodies to our homes ect… Everyone will compare but know that your measure of what makes up you and your relationship with your Sir can not be exact for everyone else. Everyone’s circumstances and how they live has a very custom make up. So whenever you get that feeling or say to your self ” I wish I had.. or I wish we were like…” Then sit back and know you are in control of your life. What works for one’s life may not be practical or sustainable for another.
You can only gain from the knowledge of others and let them gift you with ideas to try within your D/s-M. Then take, try and see if it sticks for you… Think of it as an ice cream bar… take the candies, sprinkles, syrups and try and see which ones taste good to you, keep them and keep making your ice cream the best it can be with the ideas that stick! Everyone’s is special. You make it the MORE that both you and your Sir wants.. HUGS! LK
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This is an amazing post. I love how you embrace all of the things that God created you to be…all of the different roles that combine to make you who are, fulfilling the purposes you were made for. This is something I strive for, and I find great encouragement in your post. 🙂
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