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When do I give up?
When do I give up trying to involve my husband in d/s and look at being a submissive without a dom? A little back ground we started out with bdsm in the bedroom about 4 years ago at his suggestion, I have always been interested in it but never brought it up as he had made a few off hand comments leading me to think he had no interest. It started to spill out of the bedroom a little over time. We work opposite shifts so he’s either asleep or falls asleep shortly after I get home the four nights a week I work, most weeks we only have one day off together. Finding time to sit down and talk can be challenging because of this plus we have a 6 year old daughter who still climbs in bed with us most nights after a few hours in her own bed. There’s been little to no d/s or bdsm in the bedroom for the last year and i miss it as well as what had spilled over into regular day to day life. We’ll make plans to have some fun with it and he’s backed out the last several times for one reason or another. I’m six months pregnant and finally suggested we take an official break from it last week even though he had said over the summer he was looking forward to our daughter being in school so we would have more time alone for a bit of d/s. He seemed disappointed that I suggested a beak and asked why. I explained why and he said he had been watching porn to get more ideas for us but it wasn’t like it was when we first started out because my job had changed and we couldn”t text about all night while I was at work. He agreed to a break but I sent him the husdom site to look over in the mean time. Last night he texted me that he wanted to talk to me about it today as we have today and tomorrow off together. So far today he’s watched a movie and took a nap and now our daughter will be home soon. I don’t feel like i should be the one to bring it up as it’s always me so I’m having a hard time believing he’s as interested as he claims to be now that I’ve I told him I want a break. When do I stop trying to have any sort of d/s with him and settle for being a submissive on my own?
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3 Replies
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It’s hard to sustain any sort of relationship (D/s or otherwise) when you are both super busy and kids are in the mix. It seems from your post that you are both interested in the D/s dynamic still, at least at some level. The more “seasoned” ladies around here seem to always suggest going back to those foundations when you hit a bump in the road. Trust, respect, communication, honesty, love …
For me it always comes down to communication, trying to understand what is going on inside someone else’s head is super hard (aka, not possible) without really working on communication. My husband and I have recently learned that we make a lot of assumptions about each others motivations, which are often wrong. Those assumptions quickly steer us down the wrong path, relationship wise. Learning to ask, and also learning to honestly share what’s in our heads, is taking time but really paying off.
I know you’ve been on chat the past couple of days and hope that you have talked some of this out with some of the other ladies, perhaps you can share with us what you have come up with (or suggestions that resonated with you)? These busy times when life gets in the way seem inevitable for all of us!
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He says he’s interested but does nothing to show it for the last year. His first concern and the only one be mentioned when I brought up taking a brake was that be didn’t want to go back to not having sex very often. I sent him the husdom site as something to look at and maybe give him some more realistic ideas for everyday things instead of it being just porn. Before we started any of the d/s but after our daughter was born the only time he’d show me any affection our say I love you was of he was looking for sex. I had brought this up to him and every time I’d mention it he’d say I was imagining it. He originally got the idea to try d/s from reading some fan fiction online. He mentioned us having a date night a few weeks ago which turned into lets just do something were we can bring our daughter. When I suggested a lunch date for just the two of us he agreed. We went out to lunch and he proceeded to play/read on his phone the entire time while I just sat and ate. The older couple next to us gave him more than one dirty look and I was hoping they’d day something to him. In the past when I have he’s blown it off so I was hoping hearing it from a stranger might surprise him enough to pay attention.
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Hey teasub! Sorry it took me a bit to respond. With Halloween, then kids sick, my Sir sick then myself sick all followed by a big event for work, it has been very busy around my house! Lol.
Ok, first I want to thank Meaux for jumping in and responding to you! Great advice Meaux! You have been paying attention at chats and I can see you are on a great path. Way to go!
Teasub…..Meaux is completely right when she spoke of the foundations. It always comes back to that. And from what I am gathering I can see that your foundation is not sturdy. So let’s break it down to see how to build it up.
First, Honesty. Yes it sounds like you are trying and being honest with Him but my suggestion here would be to write down in a journal a few things to show Him: tell Him how it makes you feel when dates are cancelled. When He doesn’t give His full attention to you. When you feel rejected. Give times and dates to show your commitment of how it affects you. Now speaking of Honesty….do you think you could be more honest with Him? Is this an area you think you can improve on?
Communication. It sounds like this area is broken right now between you both. Ask for a scheduled Downtime. You both set an appointment time to come together without electronics or any destractions. Make this known beforehand. You could even send an email invite saying all of this and let Him choose the time. Explain what you would like to discuss so He can be prepared ahead of time. During this downtime communicate your feelings. How you felt 4 yrs ago when he brought this to you. How you felt at every new turn. What things he has done that drew your attention. What he has done that has made you want to dive deeper into your submission. What all He does as a Dom that turns you on and motivates you more. Explain your vision of how you see the two if you a year from now and how you hope to get there. Ask his vision and see how they match up. Ask how he plans to lead you both there. Focus on the good He does and point out what works to help you both.
Trust….explain how you trust in Him and in you both. How you trust in your relationship to lead you both to a deeper connection. Ask how you can show this more or what you can do to trust more that He will be the Dom to lead your submissive side fully out.
Respect……if you notice, I never used the wordsame “tell him” I used “explain”. This is a part of respect. You are working together so it is not your job to tell Him how it goes, but rather explain your side to come together to join together and grow together. Make sure your respect for Him and all He does is first and foremost when you come to Him. Do this in a few ways…..start downtime off by kneeling to physically show your submission even in downtime. Next make sure to not raise your voice or place blame. This is a time to work together to learn and grow so open the doors by seeing how you have a part in the whole picture as well.Finally, I want you to take a look inside. I am not in any way trying to say you are not doing as much as you can but I want you to see if there is anything more you can do to help. I know when my Sir and I have lulls I eventually look to myself and ask “how can I show my submission more to encourage His Dominance “. Usually it just takes one person to put their pride aside and take the bull by the horns to restart the dynamic. And as many of us will tell you, this doesn’t stop. It will most likely never be perfect or that fantasy of you never having to guide and help in some way. You both need each other not only in your D/s but as a team in your marriage and parenthood. So just like you work together in marriage and parenthood you will work as hard in your D/s-M.
I hope some of this helped. Let me know if you have more questions or need more info on anything I wrote. Talk to you soon!!!!
~KLB
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