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Understanding how he must have felt
I look back at all the wasted nights and wasted years. How many times I told him “No…I’m too tired, I’m not in the mood, I’m on my period, I have a headache…” All the excuses, you get the idea. I recall nights when he would silently get up so as not to wake me so that he could go and take care of himself. I recall the arguments, the resentment, the hurt. Him asking me if I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. My hormones were a a mess after 4 kids, I was tired ALL the time. Many of the excuses were real but I should have made it a priority. Most of the time we had sex once or twice a week and I thought that was well above average of similar married couples in my circle. His recollection is at times going a couple weeks without. Perhaps after the babies…my mind is a blur from those sleepless nights…4 kids…running everywhere here and there.
My light bulb moment happened the other night. He had been gone on a 3 day trip. We had a great re-connect and reminder of our D/s dynamic the night he came home. He had only one day home before leaving on another 3 day trip. We were going to have a mini-scene during the day but time got away from him and when he came to get me from my office it was too close to another appointment that could not be rescheduled. I was disappointed but took some of the blame for not reminding him earlier –even though he saw me taking a bath and preparing–only to go back to my office and wait–I guess I should have pulled him away from his tasks. We will discuss this in our next downtime. I thought that we would have a good send off that night anyhow, well here is the “turn about is fair play”. We went to bed, he kissed me on the cheek and rolled over! Rationally I knew he was tired, I knew we had to get up at 4AM and that he had a long day the next day but irrationally I thought I was being punished, I thought he wasn’t attracted to me, I thought he was mad at me…. The next day is when it hit me…the Light Bulb..all those years and that must have been how he felt. He always had a much bigger sex drive than me, mine finally caught up with him the past two years. I probably think about it more than he does now a days! Now I honestly know what he must have been feeling! I have been feeling terrible these past couple of days he has been gone, not for myself, but for him and what I put him through all those years. Just another apology I will have to make to my DH now that I truly understand the feeling. I am one lucky girl he hung on with me and that we found this D/s dynamic. -
3 Replies
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I am sure he will appreciate your acknowledgement.
I have felt terrible about my past actions but as he tells me we cannot live in the past. No regrets. We are where we are now for a reason.
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Great light bulb moment! Thanks for sharing…I too tend to forget how Sir had felt in the past and get reminded in the most unusual ways now!
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Hello Bliss,
Life is strange and it’s funny how that saying ” what comes around goes around” hits you in a light bulb moment. Lol! We cannot change our past ” it is what it is” but we can apologize for the time we hurt and wasted our time on this earth together. All these moments that hit are for a reason to strengthen, bond, respect and communicate with each other towards a more wonderful D/s connection. Live for the future together and make up for the past as you go! Hugs!
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