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Trying to find our way..
Downtime has been one of those things that we just can’t seem to find something that works. We tried to ritualize like I’ve read where we each sort of reestablish our places within the dynamic. But Sir has said he doesn’t like it. He says that he doesn’t like being over me in downtime because he thinks of downtime as us being equals in the dynamic. Not submissive and dominant but just us. It bothers me because I like the ritual aspect of it. I like having that reminder of our places within our established relationship. Part of me thinks that he believes I won’t be open and honest in downtime having the dynamics of Dom and sub present during this time. I’ve tried to explain to him that we can still have the dynamic present and still be open and honest. Is there a good article on downtime on the husDom website? I feel like I can’t get through to him on this. But I also don’t want to be too pushy.
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3 Replies
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kitten,
I highly recommend your Sir talk to husDoms on husDom. Is is not uncommon for those new to D|s-M to have Sirs uncomfortable with Downtime or even kneeling for a variety of reasons. You Sir can search “Downtime” on husDom in the search field. You can also share with him the articles on subMrs with him related to Downtime. If you can, join Sweetness on her chat Saturday morning. I am sure she has some great insights she can share with you.
~subMarie
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Hey, kitten. Good for you for not pushing your Sir on this. Each dynamic is lived out differently, and ultimately, he is your Sir and what works for you in your own dynamic is what you need to do. If DT has to look different for you, so be it. I don’t know if it would help him to think of it as a business meeting…an employee review, of sorts. When a boss has an annual review with their employee, they are both still within their roles of boss and employee, but they are taking time to discuss the job itself. “What’s working? What isn’t? Where do we want to take this business arrangement? What are your goals in this company, and how can I help you achieve them?” It’s not degrading or demeaning for an employee to stay within their role of employee as she/he meets with her boss to discuss the job, and a good boss is just as interested in feedback on his/her performance from the people who work under them because they want to always be growing and learning how to be a better leader. The employee wouldn’t go around and sit in her boss’s chair just because she is honestly expressing her thoughts and feelings about her job. She would have her expected position and he would have his. They would be able to talk respectfully, but openly. That’s how I see it, anyway. Maybe if you present it that way, it would help. 🙂
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@angelica thank you for this! Presenting it this way may help him understand this better.
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