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Trauma and D/s
The effects that trauma has had on me have been deep and pervasive, extending throughout my adult life up to two years ago when i finally found a position of stability and the capacity to begin to do the necessary work of healing. I am in therapy currently, and have been working with the same person on and off for the past five years. i live in the Northeastern part of the US and i am in love with the landscapes, the garden, the animals (both domesticated and wild)…i am in love with my life here.
When i was five years old, i was sexually abused by my female babysitter. What made it so hard to pinpoint and process as abuse was that it wasn’t something that is easily definable as abuse. My abuse was weird. When i was 15, i was raped by a truck driver. As an adolescent and an adult, i’ve done a lot of sex work, re-living those horrific times, over and over, to somehow either end my conscious life or process through it. I think that the validation i received when i went to a trauma center in southern Cali was a strong foundation upon which to build a sense of safety and autonomy again, even if i didn’t recognize it or utilize it immediately. That was about 8 years ago.
I have self-injured since i was 14 years old. Although it’s considered to be a maladaptive and parasuicidal behavior, i just assumed that i would quietly injure myself until my life was over. It seemed like a part of me, a friend. Recently, within 2 months, my Dominant shared a powerful fantasy with me within which i sacrificed my flesh to Her. i made a commitment after reading it and talking about it with Her and have, because of Her extreme emotional reaction to the possibility that i might injure myself because of Her, decided to stop this finally. It’s genuinely difficult. My abuse drove home my self-injury, my substance abuse (also lifelong) – i was unable to tolerate the experience of being myself, living in my own skin with my memories. Now i am stronger and can tolerate far more.
What i’ve found with this trial is that surviving the impulse isn’t what is difficult, it’s the aftermath, the weeks where i feel that i’ve left something incomplete, that i MUST self-injure in order to survive and be okay. Fighting these urges is hard, but my commitment to honor my Dominant’s feelings is more powerful. I wonder if there are others out there who have struggled with some/all of what i’ve experienced.
i am hoping that in D/s, i’ll find a way to process through some of the trauma and work through scary and difficult experiences in a safe and loving environment. i hope that it’s possible. Reading LK’s post about turning negative experiences into positive experiences gives me so much hope! And i know it, in my heart: there is hope, there is a way through. i will be experimenting with working through trauma using D/s as a framework. i’ll post my results as they happen.
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2 Replies
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Hi consortandpet! I used to self-harm as well and eventually my Master made it a rule so I would hopefully stop. But just telling someone not to anymore doesn’t mean they stop. Longer I stayed away from cutting, the more my urge to cut went away. I encourage you tell your Dominant when you have those urges so she can possibly help you, the best way I think is to keep busy so you don’t have the urges in the first place.
I have stopped cutting for a few years now and sometimes my Master cuts me as part of a scene/play. It’s mostly a trust thing in our dynamic so maybe after you are healed you can please your Dominant by doing her fantasy or part of it and it’ll mean a whole lot to her!
“i am hoping that in D/s, i’ll find a way to process through some of the trauma and work through scary and difficult experiences in a safe and loving environment. i hope that it’s possible.” It is possible! It takes time and patience and love but you will get there and it’ll be great! I think your Dominant truly cares about you so it’ll all work out fine.
Yay you for honouring your commitment to your Dominant! You’ll continue to make good progress. 😀 -
Thank you, Emily, for your kind and encouraging words! It gives me such hope to hear that it IS possible to stop self-harming and to get through trauma safely and with love. Someday i hope to be in the place that you are in, offering words of support to someone else in need! Any fantasy that involves cutting or branding that my Dominant desires, i would gladly fulfill. It is wonderful to imagine all of the places W/we can go together in fantasy, and making those fantasies a part of the fabric of O/our relationship. Thank you again for sharing, it is truly a source of solace for me!
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