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The skeletons
Alright not really good at sharing my story but was asked to write it here.
When I was a little girl starting at what age I don’t remember my mother did not want to deal with me in the night so she would put me in my oldest brothers room. He was very abussive and mean. He was my half brother. I did not know anything had happened until after my first son was born. So I have blocked out so much!! The memories started rolling in, the flashbacks. My brother would rape me, I told my mother and she laughed and said I deserved it. She to was severely abused as a child by her father. She wanted everyone to know that abuse. She would go into very graphic details and tell my sister and I that we needed this to. My sister was hurt by her father. After telling my mother about this and telling her I didn’t want to go into his room again she took a belt to me, I don’t remember how bad it was… I woke up several days latter. My memory is not very clear, I get bits a pieces. After my son was born My husband would simply try to hold my hand and I would freak out, I would go into rage. I would scream and yell and try to hurt him. Several times I took a belt and would beat him so severly. And he took it knowing that it was not him I was hitting. He took my abuse and my lashes so that I could have the satisfaction that I was a able, in my mind to fight back.
For an entire year my husband could not even touch me. He sat by and watched me cry and hurt. During this time I would have a flashback and immediately start having a seizure. It was my coping, I tried so hard to keep these memories burried. After a lot of talking and going through these things I decided to go see a therapist. And I just wanted 1 question answered… Can I cut these people out of my life and it be ok? They got cut and all was better. Life went on its merry way and I was put on medication to control my PTSD. And I secretly cut in my closet to keep from hurting my family.
It has been 6 years since my last memory came to surface.
We started toying in bdsm in October 2014, at first it felt very wrong that something that has caused me so much pain now excites me. It felt wrong that sex could be something that I would want and enjoy. But we loved it, we didn’t dig for skeletons. We thought they simply vanished with the people that we cut.
Oh how I was wrong!! After hearing about others story during sub chat I had a flashback and a thing Sir does has always been very uncomfortable to me, I remembered why. I reverted back to my bad habits and caused such a big fight, and went to cutting. Sir would not allow me to hurt myself, after he held me and would not let me go I let down my walls and broke into tears. He knew without me saying anything what had happened. And I’m not comfortable saying what my need is, but from that he and I have learned a need of mine. And he can help me with that now.
Anyhow I don’t like to share, I don’t let my wall down very often. I don’t allow people to know me. So you Subbies, Sir, the people that did this, and a therapist, (and she only knows of my mothers story not my own) is all who know.
Knowing that there are more memories coming out im sure the road ahead is going to be bumpy. But I know that Sir has an understanding of what I need to work through it all. -
7 Replies
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Thank you for sharing lady…it is very courageous of you and I have a lot of respect for you willingness to let us get to know you. I will keep you in my thoughts and send good vibes your way whenever you pop into my mind!
Smooches,
V -
Thanks V! I hope it helps or at least lets someone know they aren’t alone in their journey. It’s a lifetime scar, but it’s something I don’t like to dwell on. I am a very lucky girl to have my Sir, he’s an incredible man. And I’m so incredibly thankful for this site, the support and encouragement has been tremendous. Even though I don’t know any of you, I feel a connection. Thank you!! ❤️?
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It took real courage to talk about your abuse. Thank you for sharing.
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Hismsub,
Your story is heart wrenching ! Many many subs have past abuse nightmare past So, you have Sub-port here. My share is ….if you still have haunts maybe seek therapy, get it all out, kick its butt……Truly be set FREE. Your Sir , will be there every step of the way. Don’t waste any more of your life, or in pain anymore. For me ….if you truly don’t honestly get it all out …it will rear its ugly head , Xoxo, Curvy
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Thanks Curvy! It’s not had any affects in a very longtime, but hearing others definitely brings back memories. Sir has been tremendous about helping!! And it’s sometimes so frustrating not remembering it all, as nuts as that sounds. But it’s like a ghost, you know it’s there you just can’t pin point it. A lot of the pain left when I left my biological family behind. It was a decision to not continue that abuse, break the cycle. It’s hard but so important!! Thanks curvy!! I have loved this site and all the amazing Subbies!!?❤️
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Wow. Good for you, opening yourself and sharing. You are brave and remarkable. When dealing with trauma, and in the form of flashbacks and memory distortion, it is a very raw primal kind of pain. Thank you for trusting in your subbie pals. If you ever want to talk pls msg me. *hugs* i hope today brings you sunshine
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This is actually similar to my own experience so I definitely understand. After having being raped on multiple occasions (as an adult though and definitely remembering most of it), Sir was actually the first partner I had after t the last one and definitely had to stop eeven the most gentle of scenes. I would start to feel overwhelmed but wanted to handle it and ended up breaking down crying abruptly so He had to switch gears and hold me instead. I still can’t O really, years after the first one but Sir intends to work on that. So I definitely understand you and am happy to find other people who understand that healing process.
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