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The D/s dynamic and sexual assualt
This is a fairly difficult subject to discuss. It will also be a fairly long post. However having had a frank conversation with the wonderful ladies of the Warren, LadyBird specifically, I’ve have decided to to lay all bare – as it were – and share my experience in the hope that it may help someone else. This is not a depressing story although it certainly started out that way. I would like to share with those out there like me that there can be healing within our dynamic for sexual traumas and mental blocks. To be frank I wouldn’t have been able to get over this hurdle without my husDom. In this situation he wasn’t just my Sir he was everything I didn’t know I needed to heal. Please be aware that this will not be a sugar coated version with euphemisms peppered about, I feel in order for it to be of value it is important that it is as honest as possible. So after all the chatter to bolster my courage here it is:
My Sir has always chatted about the possibility of Anal. I have always balked, avoided or otherwise dismissed the idea as not going to happen. Once we started to embark on our journey into the D/s lifestyle (for that is exactly what it is) He once again brought up the subject when we were discussing limits and hard boundries. For me Anal was a hard boundry at the time. He held me in the most tender way I had ever experienced from Him, and asked me why? It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to be honest, I promised that I would not shy. And I didn’t want to disappoint him. So I spilled an experience that still ocassionally gives me nightmares and fills me with dread and horror.
When I was fresh out of school and traveling the world I had my first boyfriend at 19. I’m aware that I’m a bit of a late bloomer and at the time I was horribly green and naive. I was what one would call a bit of geek and loved books more than booze and partying. I didn’t really know what the men of the world can and would offer. Sex was an interesting concept that I hadn’t explored to any depth and to be honest I really didn’t know much about the subject. That first boyfriend ruined what could’ve been an amazing experience at Anal sex for me for more than a decade. LadyBird has since explained that what was done was sexual assault. I was never warned by him that it would be a possibility(it hadn’t even occurred to me that it was an option at the time) and it was never discussed or explained. It just happened one night without a “could we try this, or do you mind”. I will not go into explicit details here. It was an extremely painful with physical damage that I will not detail here. When the whole debacle was over he literally got up and left me lying there crying my eyes out (like I have never before or since cried) with blood coating areas that literally horrified me to my core. I was told that I was over reacting and being dramatic. I didn’t know any better.
My Sir’s face when he heard the details was something that will be with me forever. I could see that he was viciously angry. But somehow this wonderful man reigned himself and his anger in (for me everything that a strong Dom symbolises). I will never forget the words he said to me as he held me that day( as if I was something fragile that had to be protected and above all cherished). Those words gave me the courage to try, those words gave me the courage to give my horror into His hands, those words gave me permission to JUST BE, most importantly it gave me permission to heal a broken part of myself. “Pet it will be okay, I am here to catch you before you fall. You are my most precious possession.” Looking into those glowing eyes I KNEW with every fibre of my being that I would do this for him, I knew I would do anything for for him. I knew I would take this dreadful experience and get a positive outcome in the end.
It wasn’t always easy and sometimes it was scary and often it made me cry. BUT my Sir was patient and kind and understanding, he moved slowly… so very slowly with re-introducing me to the idea of Anal. Then even more carefully he introduced simple touch. He made me face myself and held my hand while I broke down and built myself into a better version of myself. He encouraged me and was stern when required to keep me safe from myself and my own demons. He dealt with the emotional fall out with dignity and strength. I am more grateful to Him than he will ever really understand. He built a trust in his words and actions so strong that I was able to overcome an issue that has to some extent poisoned the core of my being for many years. Too many years.
Last night we declared victory against ignorance, abuse and personal demons. And He was proud of me. He was so very proud, I could see it in every strong line of his face and those hands that saved me from myself. I could see the absolute beauty of his Domination, the absolute salvation and absolution in those glowing blue eyes.
Now I am ready to try even more, ready to BE more. Ready to be what he needs and wants. He fixed me and I accept His dominance. Above all I am grateful that he found me worthy enough to try to fix a broken part of me. I know if we never embarked on this journey into D/s this wouldn’t have healed. The trust wasn’t there, the safety net was implied but not explicit and I couldn’t talk to Him and be honest before I gave Him my submission. Not really. He built that trust carefully like the castles of His homeland where they have been standing for centuries. He has that strength.
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8 Replies
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Thank you for sharing Pet. I know how hard it is, though my story isn’t here I have had similar experiences and they are traumatic and hard to work through. For a long time I didn’t see what happened to me as assault although in hindsight I know it was.
Stay strong and thank you for being brave enough to share.
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Dear Schatzi,
Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. I hope that you find your own solace in your Sir’s hands and heart.
Just know that we are here for each other as well
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Dear Pethellion
I am so very proud of you for writing this: I know how hard it has been for you to face this nightmare, to share this with you HusDom, and to to take the journey together towards healing is the most important thing you have done in D/s so far. Thank you for sharing your experience it will help and inspire many others and if the the average holds true for women in D/s as it does in the vanilla world then 1 in 3 of us here will have experienced some form of sexual assault – from something that doesn’t hurt our bodies but screws up our heads to outright physical and mental trauma including rape.
I have been molested – my GP and two friends’s fathers. I wasn’t hurt but it screwed up my head because I took on the shame for it so I have always hidden much of my sexuality behind a fairly quiet vanilla front.
Thank you for telling me your story first. I am very honoured and hopefully I was able to pass on the healing techniques a very close relative of mine had to use to recover as an adult from being sexually assaulted as a child.
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Dear Pethellion-
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. My heart hurts for what you’ve been through, but it also rejoices in knowing what an important step you have taken towards healing and recovering.As Ladybird said, there are many of us who have experienced forms of trauma and abuse – be it physical or emotional – and letting go of the experience is such an important part of recovery. Your Sir is a fine husdom in deed to help you through this.
Many hugs,
june -
Dear Pethellion,
It took great courage to write this and I’m proud of you lady it shows that you are making progress in healing and loving yourself again. You have already taken the biggest step by telling your husdom about your past trauma, let him heal you and guide you. I can relate with you sincerely lady I went through 2 years being sexual abused by my step father when I was 15. Met my husdom when I was 17 and tried to keep him away but he just wouldn’t walk away. It took my husdom 1 1/2 years of just talking with me before I could take my life back to even think about ever having sex. He was my best friend! I’ve been with him for 34 years and I will trust him with my life. Anytime you want to talk, my ear is always here. P.S. I know that look also because my husdom wanted to kill a few people back than also. You have a very special man that loves you for you lady!
Stay strong Lady and Big Hugs! x♥x♥x♥x♥
Lt♥
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Pet, I like that name. It reminds me of lovable and sweet, soft and cuddly, cherished. I am sure your husband feels the same of you. I understand the pain and anguish of being broken, feeling unworthy of love and affection. Standing outside of my life and looking in, I often wonder what my husband truly sees in me. Though we are just getting started on this journey and not sure where it will lead, one thing I am certain of, men like your husband and mine are loving husbands first and foremost, Doms second. I spent the first few years of our relationship being only in it for the sex. Never getting too attached, being a bitch and raving lunatic at times. Pushing and shoving him away, and yet he persisted. He finally convinced me enough that I was worthy of his love and accepted his marriage proposal. There are still days here and there where my mind gets reeling and I think, “what have I done???” Those days, I ask for my staples. Love, hugs and kisses. They hold me together and help me remember that he is my partner, through the good, bad and ugly. This man has seen me at my worst and at my ugliest and yet he still loves me. I am sure your husband loves you dearly!!
Sometimes, staples are needed to hold the shit together.
Luv you
Peace Out, sister -
Pethellion,
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I am so thankful you have such a loving and supportive HusDom to help you heal. This journey of D/s-M, brings up past feelings and hurts, and insecurities. You are truly on your way to full healing and full trust in yourself and your HusDom. May you both continue to share and encourage each other to be the best you can be. Hugs, LR, please pm me if you need someone to talk too, we are all here to sub-port and encourage each other.
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This. Brought tears. I was assaulted and beaten on New Year’s Eve by someone I went to school with, someone I thought was harmless. It was only 4 months ago. I am still devastated. I try not to discuss it with my Dom, as I do not want to upset him. He was furious as well. I have nightmares every night and walking alone in a parking lot still makes me want to scream and run. This is hard to talk about but I wanted to tell you that I understand. Thank you for sharing your story, that was incredibly brave. <3
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